Venting Autumn is so lonely

[prettyclam]

It's a shame because theres lots of activities to do. There's pumpkin carving, hay rides, corn mazes, haunted houses, movie nights, halloween decorating, ect. Simply being outside feels nice since the leaves are colorful and the weather is cooler.

I wish I had someone to enjoy this season with, someone who willingly interacts with me (not out of pity because I'm depressed/suicidal). I have nobody though. All my friends, family, and girlfriend only stay because they think I'll kill myself. I'll ctb either way but it hurts knowing I'm kept around so they can be "heros". I barely bring up this mental illness yet that's all they see in me.

I want to visit fall festivals. I want to eat donuts with pumpkin spice lattes and apple cider. I want a horror movie night. I want to plan halloween costumes together. I want to explore graveyards. I want to play games at the state fair. I want to do everything. If only I were normal, then those dreams would come true

 

[LapseInTime]

It happens. I've come to feel this way all year round. Summer means vacation but I'm broke. Winter's cozy, mine is not and the holidays can be really sad. Springs remind me of how ugly I look. Even if I did have somebody by my side, chances are I wouldn't be able to sustain that relationship, not for long. And then it would only get worse.

But sometimes I muster up the strength to just maybe get close to feeling something good. I like going to the supermarket just to look at all the Halloween themed stuff and maybe help myself to a silly treat. Doesn't fix anything and I still end up crying but yeah, this is what " " " works " " " for now. People must think I'm crazy but jokes on them.