I've felt this way for quite a while (if you check my account, my last post was years ago). I'm 25 now, and I've felt this way since I was 8. I thought maybe if I did all the tasks, I'd feel like a normal, integrated member of society - after all, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, right?
The internet and therapists told me to go outside and get active and I'd be happy. I'd say I'm relatively jacked and still want to die.
My family told me if I went back to school and got a respected, high paying job, I'd be happy. I got a nice little STEM degree, work a relatively well paid job (idk if you consider a trader at a fund respected or prestigious), and I don't work that many hours. I still spend most of my workday thinking of how much I hate this earth. I'm on a macro desk, so I just watch a stream of headlines about the world burning for 9 hours a day. Plus, I hate that I'm making these soulless rich people even richer.
The guys told me to get a girlfriend and I got an attractive genius girlfriend that's way out of my league. She doesn't understand me, but she tries her best.
My friends are all neurotypical dudebros and the rest of the people I meet see my awkwardness as rude or uncomfortable.
Therapy hasn't helped. Medication doesn't do anything but reduce my volatility. They told me after my diagnosis that this would do something.
Fundamentally, I just think this is a hostile planet. However, to live with autism is to feel like an alien on one. The natives, they know the culture, the social structures, how to traverse the terrains.
I know by now that nothing I do that society deems as goals will solve the fact that I just don't belong here.
Why can't they just let me leave? I want to go home. No amount of money or status or adoration (not that I get any) is going to solve the fact that I simply don't like it here.
How many more tasks does society want us to accomplish before it trusts our judgment that this just isn't for us?
The internet and therapists told me to go outside and get active and I'd be happy. I'd say I'm relatively jacked and still want to die.
My family told me if I went back to school and got a respected, high paying job, I'd be happy. I got a nice little STEM degree, work a relatively well paid job (idk if you consider a trader at a fund respected or prestigious), and I don't work that many hours. I still spend most of my workday thinking of how much I hate this earth. I'm on a macro desk, so I just watch a stream of headlines about the world burning for 9 hours a day. Plus, I hate that I'm making these soulless rich people even richer.
The guys told me to get a girlfriend and I got an attractive genius girlfriend that's way out of my league. She doesn't understand me, but she tries her best.
My friends are all neurotypical dudebros and the rest of the people I meet see my awkwardness as rude or uncomfortable.
Therapy hasn't helped. Medication doesn't do anything but reduce my volatility. They told me after my diagnosis that this would do something.
Fundamentally, I just think this is a hostile planet. However, to live with autism is to feel like an alien on one. The natives, they know the culture, the social structures, how to traverse the terrains.
I know by now that nothing I do that society deems as goals will solve the fact that I just don't belong here.
Why can't they just let me leave? I want to go home. No amount of money or status or adoration (not that I get any) is going to solve the fact that I simply don't like it here.
How many more tasks does society want us to accomplish before it trusts our judgment that this just isn't for us?
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