Attempting to die on fentanyl and be revived

[Princess Picta]

I lost my closest friend 17 months ago, I miss him every day and never go more than 5 minutes without thinking about him.
I've had thoughts of suicide since I was about 8 maybe younger.
But now without him I just don't think I can handle it, the weight of the grief is too much. I also refuse to stop grieving and say I plan to grieve until I see him again. I'm a smoker, for a few years I tried to drink myself to death, I gravitate towards dangerous people and criminals. I've been low key trying to die for awhile now. I'm not brave. I second guess myself constantly and then end up regretting everything.

I have a risky idea. To overdose to the point of medical death and then be revived with something like narcan. Lots of people I know have died and come back this way but their overdoses were accidental plus 1 guy who died during surgery. With how available and potent fentanyl is nowadays it seems like the obvious choice.

I talked to my girlfriend about this. My plan was to take just enough to die. Have her stand by and wait until my heart stops and then give me the narcan. I begged her. She's my shoulder to cry on and understands my reasoning.

I just want to see him again, even if I end up not remembering. Most people who die and come back have no memory and report only nothingness, about 2% have vivid memories about the other side. I'd take the chance. And if I die completely well that's probably for the best. Even if there's no afterlife and everything disappears, at least I'll be the same way he is.
Maybe dying temporarily will still make me feel like I've atoned because I hold myself responsible for him. I was responsible for him since I was 4 and he was a baby.

So my gf got the fentanyl and the narcan. She said she was ready right now. I wasn't ready, I didn't know she was getting it. I wanted to have a few things sorted out first since I may die permanently after all.
She was crying so hard. I cry like that almost daily. I hated seeing the pain and fear on her. I don't want to hurt her and I know this will. Inducing grief on her to assuage my own grief, it just didn't add up to me at the time. I know seeing me die in front of her is a great deal to ask, but nobody else would do it and she's the only person I can trust.

This was about 4-5 months ago and I don't know how to bring it back up to her because I still think it's my only option before truly commiting. Like a suicide lite.
Maybe I'm just doing mental gymnastics because I'm trying make it easier on myself.

What do you think?

 

[avaruus]

First of all, i'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

How much fentanyl did she get? Do you or your girlfriend have prior experience with opioids?

If i understood correctly, you want to have a near death experience that will let you meet your friend again?
I don't want to crush your hopes but i don't think that possible, atleast with opioids, since opioid overdose is just basically lights out.
I recommend to look into a drug called Ketamine for experiencing near death experiences.

 

[Princess Picta]

First of all, i'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

How much fentanyl did she get? Do you or your girlfriend have prior experience with opioids?

If i understood correctly, you want to have a near death experience that will let you meet your friend again?
I don't want to crush your hopes but i don't think that possible, atleast with opioids, since opioid overdose is just basically lights out.
I recommend to look into a drug called Ketamine for experiencing near death experiences.

My gf does, she now takes methadone but used to take a variety of opioids. I've never taken them. I'm not sure if can actually get ketamine but I'll look into. Is there a revival method like the narcan?

 

[avaruus]

My gf does, she now takes methadone but used to take a variety of opioids. I've never taken them. I'm not sure if can actually get ketamine but I'll look into. Is there a revival method like the narcan?

Ketamine overdose is called "K-hole", it basically feels like dying, first all your vision turns to black and then you shift into this state that cannot be properly put into words. It's not deadly so there is no need for an OD stopper like narcan.
If you are interested about the idea of seeing/meeting your friend again without dying, that would be your best shot in my opinion.

Then about catching the bus with the fent, it's possible, you just need a lot of it. I see your account is fairly new, have you yet unlocked the search function on this forum? That would give you more accurate information about overdosing with fentanyl.

 

[Princess Picta]

Is that the search bar above where the threads are? I think so.

I tried acid but didn't get what I needed, someone suggested I try shrooms for a spiritual experience. I'm fine with taking hallucinogens for fun but I wonder if I'll ever have one of those powerful life changing experiences that some people talk about.

 

[vitbar]

Grief is both horrible and imo testament to the person you lost and what was between you. I believe our selves are dependent on our interactions with other people. That in a sense they and you build something new that is part of both of you.

Having lost my partner I came to dislike the idea of getting over it, or moving on. I don't think it will ever not be a part of me and this is fine, right even. At the same time it has got easier. Early on the waves of grief come so thick and fast you can't tell one from another. It hurts so much. Never cried like that, didn't know I had it in me. As time went on the waves became more spread out and not all of them were so powerful. Started to be able to think about her without breaking down. By now, years later, I still get surprise waves of grief, but not so often, and I think of her with happiness to have known her more than anything.

 

[didntmeantohauntyou]

I don't think you're going to get the results you want using this method. I'd recommend trying to lucid dream, i use lucid dreaming to talk to loved ones that have passed all the time. You might feel weird about it at first but it's amazing how well just your mind can replicate the personality of someone in a dream. Plus you'll remember the lucid dream. There's many methods to induce lucid dreaming you can find on youtube. Atleast try it before attempting An overdose.