Always.
[extremely self-pitying post]
I had severe incontinence for the first twenty-three years of my life, every time I laughed, which was every day (why couldn't I stop?) and I hid it from everyone, including my parents, who vaguely knew but didn't care. I explosively wet myself in girl scouts dozens of times over seven years and my mom was our troop leader and never intervened or acknowledged that it happened. In retrospect, the incontinence was probably a function of the stress of having a mom who was so big on surveillance and so neglectful emotionally.
Being 100% detached from humanity is not like fun, empowered independence; a whole piece of what it is to be human is missing from me, and from all the trauma of 20 years of daily semi-surreptitious pants-wetting (I always strategically tied a sweatshirt around my waist), I'm psychologically and emotionally paralyzed. My mind is static, it never wanders, and I pretty much have no emotions. My inner life is a barren wasteland I don't know how to seed. It might have been possible in childhood but I'm 27. I've tried years of therapy and meditation and acid trips and of course every SSRI out there ("All of this—the alienation, the hopelessness, just sounds like depression") but I will always feel more like a body than a person—sex is like eating cardboard—death not only sounds like my only option (from trauma I'm profoundly flaky and unable to manage basic adult things like holding down an easy job) but it just feels logical.
Nothing holds interest for me; whatever activity I'm doing, I feel like I'm still stuck in a chair, desperately trying to hide an accident. I'm like that dog Pavlov tazered that wouldn't leave its cage when he opened the door. I just finished grad school and from the outside my future looks bright; people are going to be shocked when I CTB and I don't really know how to prepare them for it. They all think I love them because I go through the motions of being kind and emotionally present—in fact for years I put a lot of energy into that, to compensate for what I knew deep down was a disturbing lack of connection. I never miss them when I'm away and when someone dies I never grieve. My father loved me more than his own life and constantly made sacrifices for me and last year I spent five straight weeks watching him die of a brain tumor and I felt absolutely nothing.
I've never been close to anyone and I never developed the capacity or desire to. All I have is the desire to have the desire to.
tl;dr watch toy story 4 where the spork guy keeps saying "i'm trash" and trying to throw himself in the trash can. that's me omw to ctb in my childhood/mom's house
Don't know if I've ever read anything I relate to so well. When I'm with people, doesn't matter who, I feel like I'm just using a drug, or it's a distraction. I can enjoy being with people, laugh, smile, participate. But it's all learned behavior to act in a socially acceptable way. When I leave, it's like a comedown and I'm filled with discontent, emptiness, and the "connection" that I participated in makes me feel nothing. People are always telling each other how much they love each other. I only ever say this to two people- my mother- who I think, maybe I love, and my father, who I can't stand but I hate conflict and to not say it would pose a problem. It seems screwed up to me that I can't readily identify if I feel love for a person, or say for sure, yes I love them. I just don't know. Anyone else, the best I can muster is- I'd probably be sad if you died tragically tomorrow. Your inability to attach or grieve over death is heartbreaking though. I have been able to grieve somewhat before so I may not lack attachment to the same extent. I'm sorry it's like this, as, so I've heard, what makes life worth living is supposed to be our connections to people. I'm no expert, but, attachment forms starting about in the first 6 months of life with a primary caregiver. Traumas associated from here and later can severely impair one's ability to have healthy attachments. Incontinence- in contrast to the fked up way society used to look at, is not something to blame yourself for. There may be underlying biological, neurological, psych factors particularly if the parent(s) failed in ways to provide the environment and care which helps kids complete this milestone. But, again I'm no expert and I can't speak to your situation, just my thoughts on it.
Does anyone else feel no attachment to anyone?
I keep reading about attachment and running into the same spiel about how there are four types but nobody raises the possibility that some people feel no attachment at all.
I only feel capable of caring about someone, like I'm a complete person with a full range of emotions, when I'm on MDMA. It lasts an hour.
I want to die.
Ohh, sorry, final thing. You were talking about the four levels of attachment, but there is a condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder. Maybe you've read about it, so I don't want to waste your time. It's diagnosed in kids, and I'm not sure what the applications and implications are for adulthood, however it's a rarer response to trauma in childhood (abandonment, neglect, abuse, being institutionalized, having multiple caregivers and no primary etc.). It's rarer because most kids, even in these circumstances, go on to be able to form or learn attachment, but in RAD the child fails to form attachment to caregivers, may be isolated, flat affect, not engage in social situations, may have indiscriminate familiarity with strangers, lack of interest in activities with people, doesn't seek comfort or help etc. If you haven't heard of it, maybe look into it. Discuss it with someone. I obviously don't know you well enough, not a professional, but, for your sake, hope things get better.
