At what point is it just not worth it?

[iDieUDie80]

It doesn't matter how happy I get during the day, every day I think about and consider suicide. It doesn't change. Every day I think, "I'm going to hang myself".

This year I've been to inpatient twice, I've been in treatment for OCD and depression/BPD for months and I still feel the same way. It doesn't change the negative prospects I have about my future. I feel that if I can't shake the desire and thoughts, I should just do it and get it over with.

I wanted to post this today after realizing I'm not buying a car for myself, or moved forward at all because I still haven't decided if I'm going to end my life or not.

 

[Sensei]

I don't know your whole situation or how severe you're pain is, but if you're ambivalent about killing yourself maybe you should wait. It's after all a very important decision, arguably the most important one, and I don't think you should proceed unless you're 100 % sure. Just my two cents.

 

[elfgyoza]

I don't know your whole situation or how severe you're pain is, but if you're ambivalent about killing yourself maybe you should wait. It's after all a very important decision, arguably the most important one, and I don't think you should proceed unless you're 100 % sure. Just my two cents.

Even though I can relate to feeling like this sometimes, I've got to agree with you. I guess you could call it chronic suicidal ideation, even the okay days have thoughts like 'wow what's the point though? I'd rather just be dead', but if there's still some kind of hope I'd say it might be worth sticking around for a bit

 

[iDieUDie80]

I don't know your whole situation or how severe you're pain is, but if you're ambivalent about killing yourself maybe you should wait. It's after all a very important decision, arguably the most important one, and I don't think you should proceed unless you're 100 % sure. Just my two cents.

I detail some of my situation in this post. I just can't motivate myself or convince myself my future is worth seeing.

 

[justanotherstar]

I have few words to help but I sure do relate to having that chronic suicidal ideation you described. It sounds like there is a spec of hope, which probably makes your decision harder in all honesty because it would be easier to walk away if you were wholly convinced it was the right thing. I'm glad you're here with your spec of hope (or you probably have a better name for it, it may not be hope at all, maybe something else) but I hope you're able to find support here and explore it so you know what comes next. Sending hugs

 

[Sensei]

I detail some of my situation in this post. I just can't motivate myself or convince myself my future is worth seeing.

I won't give you any platitudes. Let me ask you this instead: if you should be completely honest and rational, what do you estimate the odds are that things might get better? If you say 1:1 or 1:100 I won't believe you.

 

[iDieUDie80]

I have few words to help but I sure do relate to having that chronic suicidal ideation you described. It sounds like there is a spec of hope, which probably makes your decision harder in all honesty because it would be easier to walk away if you were wholly convinced it was the right thing. I'm glad you're here with your spec of hope (or you probably have a better name for it, it may not be hope at all, maybe something else) but I hope you're able to find support here and explore it so you know what comes next. Sending hugs

Two of the most important people in my life told me that they're proud of my accomplishments and have both told me they believe I am still capable of living a fulfilling and meaningful life. I just can't see it. I don't want to hurt either of them. That's one reason, the other is that it's still a scary (for me) and obviously final decision.

 

[justanotherstar]

Two of the most important people in my life told me that they're proud of my accomplishments and have both told me they believe I am still capable of living a fulfilling and meaningful life. I just can't see it. I don't want to hurt either of them. That's one reason, the other is that it's still a scary (for me) and obviously final decision.

It can be so hard when others hold so much hope for us but we don't see it. I do believe things can change though but it's up to each of us to decide whether it's enough for us, only we can make that decision. I'm no expert but my personal experience with treatment is that it takes many years a lot of the time to get better so maybe consider if there is more time and treatment out there that can help. For me I spent my whole life with complex mental health problems, I can't expect 6months, 12 months or whatever to be enough time so before my current exit plan I made the decision to give it more time to try and recover. I've seen many people get better and move on with their lives. I'm just not one of them it appears. CTB is really scary, probably one of the scariest decisions we could ever make, that's why I think it's good to take your time to weigh things up, I'm glad you found SS, there are many fellow weary travellers here who will be happy to support you

 

[iDieUDie80]

Just got rejected by the girl I'm madly in love with. The only thing that could have made life worth it was being with her. Now that I know her and a comfortable future and career are impossible, I feel I can end my life now.