Venting at what point am i making excuses to not progress in my recovery or suicide?

[monetpompo]

it's raining today, so the forest will be muddy and slippery if i go tonight. it also rained yesterday. my general drowsiness and the cold are also making me not want to go outside. it feels like i'm just making excuses to not commit suicide. i remember back in june, there was also heavy rain that stopped me from ctbing for a week. even then, i still didn't do it because i was a coward that wanted to be comforted.

i've just gotten really tired of listening to myself vent. i've gotten tired of writing all this stuff while simultaneously keeping it from everyone in my life because it's too emotionally heavy. i'm tired of imagining the relief i'd feel once i sent out my scheduled email to my friend and didn't have to cancel it. all i want to do is die so that i stop daydreaming, researching, and feeling like i'm lying by saying i want to do it. i genuinely have no reason to keep living because of how long i've been in this cycle of ideating, researching, and isolating from the people around me. i don't even like the people in my life anymore because i know that they would leave me if i talked about wanting to kill myself.

society never factored in what unemployed, lazy, depressed, and socially inept losers are supposed to do with their lives. i still can't get my license. i need more lessons. all i wanted to do at the end of this year was be able to drive but i can't even do that. i just want to lay my body on the road and hope that cars run over my head first. even if the people in my life act like they like talking to me i just feel repulsed that they haven't realized i'm a bad person yet. it doesn't feel like there's a point in keeping any of my friends. i can't get rid of this bubbling feeling in my chest every time i wake up. i don't want to keep waking up. i have no intentions of recovering because i want to kill myself so badly it's hard to think of anything else. i would do anything if it meant it would get rid of this aching. i have no desire to get up unless it's to use the bathroom.

 

[pokerrkitty]

I know this may be a simple response to complicated issue, but you should give yourself some grace. We (as in, the people on the forum) don't exactly want to kill ourselves because we are highly motivated and functioning people in most cases. I have had days where I couldn't even bring myself to SH because my nose was running or I didn't feel like getting antiseptic wipes out of the closet.

It is so hard to feel isolated when you're actively ideating but haven't gone through with it, but it doesn't make you lazy or bad to just be too tired or for things to not be exactly right to ctb. I hope you find some kind of small peace soon.