No joke, I would say when I was born. I've tried to kill myself when I was 5. I didn't come from an abusive family or anything like that. But it started before I was born where my parents had to work extremely hard for what they had. Like my dad at times would go to work at 8 AM and come home at 12 AM regularly to keep a job (there is hard evidence to prove he was really working and not messing around). My mom in a similar boat. And since I didn't live near anyone, my family literally told my parents to tell me to stop calling them, and no one in school liked me. I was extremely lonely. My sister gotten into drugs and drinking at a young age, and you can read some of my lengthy past post to see what it is like today dealing with her.
I mean I can keep going on and on, but at the end of the day it was when I was born. When I was born, the doctors had to revive me because I lost oxygen for a bit. I wish they didn't. I wish they made a mistake or whatever so I could've just not experience this. Why in the hell was I born with disabilities, a shitty family, in a time when I was younger there was nothing to do but get heat stroke or look at 4 walls, and there is still no opportunities now that I'm older? Hell, I didn't even ask for a hand out. I went out of my way to get a few degrees, and just getting a good job is a nightmare. I've literally been laughed out of an interview even when all the answers I gave was 100% right. And because my life has just been so fucked up for so long, I just want to retire or die. In fact, I'm not in a relationship and I don't think anyone outside of my parents would really care if I died. I don't know what is keeping me from making the final act. Maybe fear of what might happen after?
Thinking about it, maybe the only thing that is keeping me alive right now is the handful of games I play once in a while, anime I might watch once in a while, and ability to play with tech like lasers. I think the last is maybe the biggest since it gives me some hope that maybe I can make a better life for myself if I just figure out how to make money with it. Maybe then I can buy a better life. But that is quickly fading. (Part of me believes that if I had access to modern home 3D printers, lasers, etc. Then I would've been a lot better since I might've found a way. But then I remember I did make things like an electric cutter to cut shapes out of paper (plasma ball, metal and hold some metal while having the paper you want to burn shapes in between), and I made other things. But since my parents weren't around and no one cared. I would've been stuck and right back to where I'm at now.)
At least when I die I can say I tried.
I mean I can keep going on and on, but at the end of the day it was when I was born. When I was born, the doctors had to revive me because I lost oxygen for a bit. I wish they didn't. I wish they made a mistake or whatever so I could've just not experience this. Why in the hell was I born with disabilities, a shitty family, in a time when I was younger there was nothing to do but get heat stroke or look at 4 walls, and there is still no opportunities now that I'm older? Hell, I didn't even ask for a hand out. I went out of my way to get a few degrees, and just getting a good job is a nightmare. I've literally been laughed out of an interview even when all the answers I gave was 100% right. And because my life has just been so fucked up for so long, I just want to retire or die. In fact, I'm not in a relationship and I don't think anyone outside of my parents would really care if I died. I don't know what is keeping me from making the final act. Maybe fear of what might happen after?
Thinking about it, maybe the only thing that is keeping me alive right now is the handful of games I play once in a while, anime I might watch once in a while, and ability to play with tech like lasers. I think the last is maybe the biggest since it gives me some hope that maybe I can make a better life for myself if I just figure out how to make money with it. Maybe then I can buy a better life. But that is quickly fading. (Part of me believes that if I had access to modern home 3D printers, lasers, etc. Then I would've been a lot better since I might've found a way. But then I remember I did make things like an electric cutter to cut shapes out of paper (plasma ball, metal and hold some metal while having the paper you want to burn shapes in between), and I made other things. But since my parents weren't around and no one cared. I would've been stuck and right back to where I'm at now.)
At least when I die I can say I tried.
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