Story At the lowest possible point now. Only two possible outcomes from here: to go up or to end myself.

[FrankieVallie]

Well, today I'm at the lowest possible point I can imagine before I CTB. Lost the only person I considered a friend due to a stupid disagreement over politics and her not caring about me at all, despite telling her how messed up I am and that I might end it all. She was so beautiful, and I truly loved and cared about her. 99% of people are truly disgusting. Now, I legitimately have 0 friends or people to talk to. None. I'm all alone, like a lone wolf. I do have family but I have to put up a strong act around them all the time and can never tell them how I truly feel, so unfortunately they're useless.

My academic career and dreams are still salvageable, but by a hair. They've been hurt a lot over the past 8 months due to my declining mental health but are still decent enough to salvage.

We'll see how it goes from here. Any farther down, and I'll end it all for sure. Already have a full SN setup ready to go at any time (I've even pre-measured the water, sorted the pills into ziploc bags, and prepared a scale for when I unseal the SN bottle). I guess the only thing I can try to do is to go up...I'll give myself one last shot at improvement with all the strength I have left.

The sad thing is that, even if I pull myself out of here, I'll always, ALWAYS, be a lone wolf as a result (hence my profile picture).

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry you are in a dire situation now, at a crossroads between two potential outcomes; victory and continuation or peace and death. I too, had a similar crossroad over a year ago, while not the same situation, it was quite decisive for me too. I was nervous but persevered knowing that I had a method to rely on (the firearm) should things go awry. I could have been dead May 2019 had my encounter gone poorly with my 'ladyfriend' that time (see story here). I'm not doing great at this time either, partly due to the pandemic, but also personal circumstances as well.

I hope things go well for you either way and that you find peace in whatever decision you end up making.

 

[bravotess]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. Could a good nights sleep and a heart-to-heart convo tomorrow potentially fix things?

I'm super jealous BTW. I'm having a terribly shitty night too. Unfortunately all I have is the SN. If i had the full setup, tonight would be the night.

 

[Ghost2211]

We are all friends here. You will always have people to talk to. I hope we can bring you some comfort.

 

[FrankieVallie]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. Could a good nights sleep and a heart-to-heart convo tomorrow potentially fix things?

I'm super jealous BTW. I'm having a terribly shitty night too. Unfortunately all I have is the SN. If i had the full setup, tonight would be the night.

No, sadly it's already over with her. I know that she's just pretending to care about me because it makes her feel self-righteous and like good person. At least she wasn't trying to use me for any material gain, and if she was, she wasn't able to do so. She's only willing to talk over text/Instagram even though I had some great face-to-face conversations with her at school earlier in the year. I have lost countless so-called "friends" before, but losing her has been particularly painful as she's incredibly gorgeous and was truly my last friend/person to talk to.

Damn, it's painful to think about her. Sometimes I feel physical pain in my heart from it. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life, both physically and with regards to her personality. The perfect height, a slim waist and curved body, and the cutest face I've ever seen with long, flowing blonde hair that covered her forehead. She had a soft, soothing voice, a great sense of humor and practicality, and emerald green eyes.

Oh well. As a lone wolf, I have no choice but to turn away, hide my tears, drown my feelings, and carry on.

We are all friends here. You will always have people to talk to. I hope we can bring you some comfort.

Thank you so much. Venting like I am here has been wonderful for me. As I said in an earlier post, this is the ONLY place where I have ever been able to freely express my deepest, darkest, thoughts (including the suicidal ones of course) without being mocked, harassed, or ignored.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I'll give myself one last shot at improvement with all the strength I have left.

The sad thing is that, even if I pull myself out of here, I'll always, ALWAYS, be a lone wolf as a result (hence my profile picture).

I think it's worth it to try. If you have even a bit of hope and willpower left, you may as well play those cards.

 

[FrankieVallie]

I think it's worth it to try. If you have even have a bit of hope and willpower left, you may as well play those cards.

That's what I'm going to do. I'll start Sunday, give it every bit of energy and strength I have left.

 

[Ayvoia]

Just to share.. Improving yourself, or your position in life isn't guaranteed to fulfil you, or bring sudden happiness, or anything in between. While I'm sure you're aware of this, it's always important to point out for others..

Should you attempt to keep fighting, ruminating about the past, or being in isolation only fosters depression, and it's a fairly awful cycle.. Again, I doubt you wouldn't know these things..

May I ask whether possessing a means to end things gives you some peace of mind, or a measure of confidence that has changed your behaviour in any way?
I occasionally like to imagine that my own behaviour would change if I had a way out at the end of the day, that I could rely on.

Oh, and to add on losing your friend, while I'm sorry that you're going through this, even if on reflection it wasn't the best or most true of friendships, losing contact with school peers isn't the end all of your social life.
Arguably, I've been more social in my work life than school life, and while personally I feel both are equally important, you may feel differently going forwards, should you choose to keep going.

 

[bravotess]

Damn, it's painful to think about her. Sometimes I feel physical pain in my heart from it.

Im so sorry. I'm completely familiar with that actual, physical pain in your heart that you feel when you lose someone you love.

 

[greyo]

Lost the only person I considered a friend due to a stupid disagreement over politics

Talking about politics is like talking about sports or the weather, I think its all a smoke and mirrors circus and you shouldn't take it serious. Feel bad that this happened to you, but I think you can still salvage the friendship anyways if you care about it, and if you can't salvage it, who cares about people anyways?