Asshole magnet

[Forever Dead]

Why is it that the good people of this world always seem to attract the assholes of society such as the narcissistic personality types ?
I am no angel myself, but I have never intentionally harmed anyone either physically or psychologically and am probably best described as a non-conformist and empath who just doesnt fit into society. The problem is that before becoming a full-time loner, every single one of my so-called friends, girlfriends and even family all turned out to be assholes. The worst of it is that these toxic types dont show their true colours until its too late, and then you are confronted with the shock that they are not the people they are pretending to be, like the proverbial wolf in sheeps clothing. They talk shit about you behind your back, have affairs, steal from you, turn others against you and kick you when you are down. Yet they swear to your face that they love you and will have your back when the shit hits the fan, while all the time laughing inside to themselves. I have given much more to these people than I ever got back, and some of the things they have done to me are just downright cruel, such as my family completely ignoring me when I was sectioned, no phone calls, no visits, nothing, yet they say they care. And my ex having an affair with my so-called friend, and them both laughing in my face when I found out about them. I feel like I am some kind of asshole magnet, so I just keep to myself now. Does anybody else feel this way ?

 

[Sister of the Moon]

Yes, most definitely. It's hard to say for sure why this is a thing, because I've been gaslit so many times to believe it's been a product of my perception.
There are actually articles though which address the toxic magnetism between what they call empaths and narcissists, though I hesitate to use those words as they are overused, those are the buzzwords tossed around.

I have been in the same situations you describe many times, and have at times become a loner through not wanting to get hurt again. I've been lucky though in that I've got a lovely group of friends who invite me to do stuff and don't hassle me if I need to be left alone. And they would never treat me like that.

The hardest thing is being shocked because you know you'd never treat someone like that but they have no problem doing it to you.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Lack of boundaries. If someone notices you ignore red flags or let people get away with minor violations or try to give too much, that's a clear sign this person is ripe for the picking. Would be abusers are attracted to more vulnerable people who are primed for victimhood by past experience, why bother with a healthy individual who will defend themselves when you can find someone who won't resist, or will even make excuses for your behavior?

Vid somewhat related (really good channel, highly recommend):

 

[Ligottian]

Yes. I also attract people who are misfits in some way, shape, or form. Of course, I'm one myself.

 

[WishfulThinker]

Yes I do.
And on some level, I knew it was because I deep down wanted to 'right the wrongs of the past' therefore attracting what I wish could have been fixed
It's left me jaded enough that I just wish to be permanently alone

 

[Kristicide]

Lack of boundaries. If someone notices you ignore red flags or let people get away with minor violations or try to give too much, that's a clear sign this person is ripe for the picking. Would be abusers are attracted to more vulnerable people who are primed for victimhood by past experience, why bother with a healthy individual who will defend themselves when you can find someone who won't resist, or will even make excuses for your behavior?

Vid somewhat related (really good channel, highly recommend):

This is a great answer why. I do the same. I'm aware of this and realize it comes from a non-loving relationship between my father and I. So I seek people like him...trying to get them to love me, be affectionate, and want to stay with me long term. But the guys I pick aren't those type. It's self sabotage. Every once in a while I would date someone who was good for me but I found them boring. I struggle with maintaining boundaries so I get hurt repeatedly. It's the fear of them leaving me that I accept the bad things they do. And then I regret that. I don't know how to act appropriately in relationships because of how my parents were to each other and to my sibling and I. I'm an adult so I only have myself to blame for not making changes esp. knowing what my problem is.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

If you grew up with your boundaries trampled and ignored, as I did, you will get destroyed by stronger human beings. You might even gravitate towards them, their confidence and purpose making up for your lack thereof.

 

[Rockman]

Of course they show their true colors. The thing is, you must learn to recognize red flags early and have clear personal boundaries. It is effective protection.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I would say I'm maybe the opposite, I have in the past sought out people I knew were toxic. Since in a way their insulting reinforced my internal beliefs of myself and no one else would give me that and it all felt fake. Plus those types of people tend to be strong and make decisions, which I often can't do for myself. I can honestly see myself going into a toxic relationship on purpose since a part of me knows that's one way I could survive - someone else completely controlling me so it was out of my hands and I wouldn't have to think.
The funny thing was so many people tell me I'm sweet and kind and whatever, and internally I'm so awful and toxic. In the past even I was told my presence made other people act nicer too, a guy who would usually troll everyone else told me that. I think I'm still very lucky and tend to attract/encounter great people, but I might still seek out toxic people the longer I'm stuck here. For now not seeking anyone though since I will hopefully succeed with something.