speck
Student
- May 5, 2020
- 178
Those of you who have been here have seen me vent about my situation: I'm in love with a narc, we've been together for more than a decade, the stability of the relationship is in flux at all times- but I can't bring myself to leave.
Let me be a cautionary tale to any of you who are young, who decide to recover, who are on the fence about leaving your abusive relationship.
I recently graduated, and I followed my abusive relationship across the country to a new place where I know no one because my partner expressed renewed optimism and promises for the future. By the time we arrived, the tables had turned again and I was a burden, a regret and had "tricked" him. I had put my car in his care under duress and it was withheld from me for over a month. By the time the car arrived, a calm wind had blown and he loved me again. When I had no job prospects, he belittled what I contributed to the household in its stead. When I finally received a job, the wind blew again and he loved me and we should make expensive vacation plans and he would pay me back. I bet you can guess where we are now: after two weeks of new promises and new commitments, I am the person at fault for his decision to take all of those good things and discard them as being "built on lies". My single mild act of outward frustration has once again been a catalyst to strip away our good moments, to tell me I'm boring and unchallenging, I'm garbage and slime, I'm lazy and I never listen and I make him miserable and he will find someone so much better than me. In fact he will take those vacation plans we made for this weekend to go out of state and actively sleep with someone else to show me how little he cares for me.
If you are in a situation like this: leave before your brain turns into scrambled eggs and you find yourself constantly apologizing and begging for forgiveness and the return of the good version of your partner from the version of your partner who is actively psychologically abusing you. Go before you have to beg your partner not to cheat or to at least not leave you if they DO cheat. Go before you tell your partner the truth as a reflex, that you do not feel that you can not go on without them and you are now a villain too. Now you are also a jailor- are they here because they want to be? Now you are heartbroken- Are they taunting you with this information in subsequent fights as an effort of speeding up the process? Now you're a martyr- Will they be free and better and did you make them like this? Will your death be a salve for everyone? Is there no way that you can live and have harmony in this relationship?
This is what your brain will do- and you will do it without addressing the tangible, inexcusable facts that he is verbally abusing you, and that the abuse has turned physical and you have been battered over ten times this year with increasing unpredictability and blamed for it happening. Go before you are saying sorry to someone who hits you.
I could bear it if there were not the moments three days ago where he told me he was in love with me, that he was excited to buy dogs together, he wants to have a family with me and if we had to adopt that wasn't an issue. I know that the worst part of narcissistic abuse is living for the high, but even though I know the wind is going to change I still find myself trapped under the rubble everytime. I feel like I live with two people and I can't leave because I'm afraid to leave the good person behind.
I am ashamed that I can't go on without that good person. And now even though that person says I make them miserable, it's impossible to imagine leaving for anyones benefit. Every other part of the world feels empty without him. I literally can't go on. I am ashamed to be selfish in this way, I am ashamed that I couldn't listen to anyone here or my friends or my therapist and get out- I am ashamed that I want to die because I can not live like this and I can not live without this.
I am making plans for the end of the year, I am getting things together so that I can ctb. There is nothing beyond this for me and I can't outrun it or try to radically accept it or heal when everyday is a series of painful flashbacks and I know even my dreams will be haunted by him.
I am sorry. I am so sorry.
Let me be a cautionary tale to any of you who are young, who decide to recover, who are on the fence about leaving your abusive relationship.
I recently graduated, and I followed my abusive relationship across the country to a new place where I know no one because my partner expressed renewed optimism and promises for the future. By the time we arrived, the tables had turned again and I was a burden, a regret and had "tricked" him. I had put my car in his care under duress and it was withheld from me for over a month. By the time the car arrived, a calm wind had blown and he loved me again. When I had no job prospects, he belittled what I contributed to the household in its stead. When I finally received a job, the wind blew again and he loved me and we should make expensive vacation plans and he would pay me back. I bet you can guess where we are now: after two weeks of new promises and new commitments, I am the person at fault for his decision to take all of those good things and discard them as being "built on lies". My single mild act of outward frustration has once again been a catalyst to strip away our good moments, to tell me I'm boring and unchallenging, I'm garbage and slime, I'm lazy and I never listen and I make him miserable and he will find someone so much better than me. In fact he will take those vacation plans we made for this weekend to go out of state and actively sleep with someone else to show me how little he cares for me.
If you are in a situation like this: leave before your brain turns into scrambled eggs and you find yourself constantly apologizing and begging for forgiveness and the return of the good version of your partner from the version of your partner who is actively psychologically abusing you. Go before you have to beg your partner not to cheat or to at least not leave you if they DO cheat. Go before you tell your partner the truth as a reflex, that you do not feel that you can not go on without them and you are now a villain too. Now you are also a jailor- are they here because they want to be? Now you are heartbroken- Are they taunting you with this information in subsequent fights as an effort of speeding up the process? Now you're a martyr- Will they be free and better and did you make them like this? Will your death be a salve for everyone? Is there no way that you can live and have harmony in this relationship?
This is what your brain will do- and you will do it without addressing the tangible, inexcusable facts that he is verbally abusing you, and that the abuse has turned physical and you have been battered over ten times this year with increasing unpredictability and blamed for it happening. Go before you are saying sorry to someone who hits you.
I could bear it if there were not the moments three days ago where he told me he was in love with me, that he was excited to buy dogs together, he wants to have a family with me and if we had to adopt that wasn't an issue. I know that the worst part of narcissistic abuse is living for the high, but even though I know the wind is going to change I still find myself trapped under the rubble everytime. I feel like I live with two people and I can't leave because I'm afraid to leave the good person behind.
I am ashamed that I can't go on without that good person. And now even though that person says I make them miserable, it's impossible to imagine leaving for anyones benefit. Every other part of the world feels empty without him. I literally can't go on. I am ashamed to be selfish in this way, I am ashamed that I couldn't listen to anyone here or my friends or my therapist and get out- I am ashamed that I want to die because I can not live like this and I can not live without this.
I am making plans for the end of the year, I am getting things together so that I can ctb. There is nothing beyond this for me and I can't outrun it or try to radically accept it or heal when everyday is a series of painful flashbacks and I know even my dreams will be haunted by him.
I am sorry. I am so sorry.