Discussion ASH and the holiday quickening

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

Pointlessly long post. Just ignore. Lol

My first really deep dive into CTB techniques involved reading archives of the old ASH Usenet group. The full name, alt.suicide.holiday, was tribute to the fact that it seemed more people wanted to CTB this time of year. I'm curious what y'all's experiences with the urges are for the holidays.

I worked in hospice for several years, and the opposite was true. Deaths typically tapered off in November and December and then spiked in January. The common thought was that people were "hanging on" for their families. But who can truly know?

I used to DREAD the holidays. I have a toxic rural family on my dad's side, and I would get so anxious in the days and weeks leading up to gatherings. I discovered drugs could help, but when I became old enough to just decline, that helped a ton.

This year will be my first since separating from my wife. She is coming to visit with my niece and nephew, and I find myself alternating between wanting to just get it done and waiting until later. The kids call me "Daddy," so it's confusing for me.

My need to CTB isn't really tied to anything in my life, so I'm in no hurry, per se. But as I've shared here before, my CTB need is due to urges that I constantly have to resist. There's no logic. It's just something that I have to do. I'm in DBT and on medical leave for it, so it's stupid to feel this way when so many people have REAL problems. Little things, like paying rent late, can make the urge 100x stronger, but overall I feel selfish for wanting to CTB. Like I'm a poser.

That's one thing I love about SS. I feel like my role here is to be a non-judgmental peer amongst individuals with whom I share a common interest. I try to keep people from getting maimed, and provide straight answers to anything medical. I was a skydiver and base jumper all through college, and like to participate in those conversations as well.

The part of SS that I'm most grateful for is the goodbye thread. It's also the hardest part. It's an honor to be able to comfort or just be present for the brave ones who have chosen to seek peace. But it makes this all very real for me. Lately, we've had several active SS users CTB, which led me to the original question, are the holidays worse for people?

I'm curious, how do you feel about the holidays? Do you feel rushed to CTB before they come? Do you feel the need to wait until after? Do you not care at all? Would love to know.

And if you're still reading, know that I love all of you and am so thankful to have found you.

 

[Neverod]

Not a poser, no selfishness, nothing of that. Every reason matters, no matter what, it could be a lot of "tiny" thing, or one single "big" thing.
I hate the holidays, but only because people tend to make much more noise, which really annoys me, really loud music until past midnight.
No rush, but i preferred to be before it, so i could at least get a last night of good rest.

 

[Green Destiny]

Wish I could remember the time I used to like Christmas and the Holidays but I just can't stand it now. The music, the constantly replayed christmas specials and how commercialized Christmas has become in general (to me at least). It honestly feels like Thanksgiving is just a bump in the road now, played down to make room for the big Holiday.

 

[UninformedLover]

I would first like to say you're not a poser. There's no wrong reason to want to ctb. Every reason is valid. Yours included.

Anyway I feel like I am the odd man (or woman haha) out because I really do like holidays. I think Christmas in particular is beautiful and my favorite holiday. I love colorful things and all the lights and decorations make me feel happy inside.

Sometimes I think about all the fun I used to have with my mom decorating the tree ,all the gifts my parents used to get me , the innocence & naivety that came with believing in Santa Claus and all the times my ex-best friend and I used to play in the snow together.

While these times are all but distant memories in my head I am thankful I got to experience them. Times are different now and Christmas is less exciting to me but I still like it because I enjoy the gifts I get from my family.

I waited to long to ctb so now I have to do it in a month where my family doesn't celebrate it's holiday like February (since my family doesn't care about Valentine's day). Originally I was going to do it soon but I don't want to ruin my sister's future holidays.