I've been unemployed since 1996, and when I did work it was low paying jobs, not a career. I never felt established financially and because of both my mental illness (anxiety, depression, social anxiety, PTSD) I struggled to hold onto the jobs I did get...but I never stayed at a place of employment longer than a year or so. Since then I've had to be dependent on others for everything in life and I HATE IT. Besides never knowing what it's like to feel independent and in control of my own life and choices and finances, I've never known what it's like to purchase a new car, or take a REAL vacation, things like that...I know those things aren't necessary to life and are considered luxuries, but I'd still like to have experienced them. I've applied for disability a few times and despite my literal YEARS of poor and increasingly declining physical health combined with being basically incapable to managing a full-time job due to mental illness, I've always been declined. So I'm stuck in the unhealthy, miserable relationship I'm in that causes both he and I frustration and unhappiness (and I believe has contributed to both my physical and mental decline; everything truly is connected) and for me, SO MUCH GUILT because I know I am nothing but a financial drain and albatross to him. And I feel purposeless and useless. So being unemployed has definitely been a huge factor in my wanting to ctb, especially since it has gone on now for decades and when I was younger I was stupid I guess and thought "Oh I'll get better one day and get out of this situation and be financially independent and do all those things I want/ed to do." But that never happened and now I know it never will. I'm too old now and no chance of a career and anyway, my health will never improve to where I can handle a full time decent paying job. So why stick around just to keep going down this path?
However i do, if i think about it, feel like a burden on society on everybody and a drain on everyone because i'm unemployed- absolutely useless and worthless. So many judge a person's value by their work status.
First, I'm sorry you are going through all that you are. :( I relate and understand.
I feel like you: useless and worthless and a drain on everyone. It's hard to not allow not working to NOT affect one's feelings of confidence and self-worth and self esteem.
And I sure hear you about how people judge others' value based on work status or job/career. I have not worked in 25 years and about 5 years ago I went through a period where I thought I could handle a small, part time job. It took a LOOONG long time to reach that point, and I went through so much with my health (physical health) prior to that and so even considering that working a part time job was feasible was a BIG deal for me. I told this person I thought was a friend at the time about my plans and this person said something like "Oh, a hobby job would be good for you." Felt like I'd been punched in the gut and that one remark minimized everything. (this person would also always talk about mutual friends and their 'professional' girlfriends or how this or that person was a 'professional' so I shouldn't have been surprised by the insensitive remark they made but it still stung and made what I thought was a major step forward into something that made me feel pathetic).
I hate when people I meet online ask "So what do you do for a living?" :( Too many times I've had my answer either made fun of or gotten condescending attitude in return for being honest so now I try to just avoid the question at all by not answering and then avoiding that person. Not an ideal plan but I just can't handle the humiliation anymore.
