I hate life. I hate life so, so much. I love this forum, but the fact that I'm here shows that I can't stand being alive anymore. I just want to kill myself without anyone stopping me. Too bad I'm surrounded by a Catholic pro-life family. This family is both a curse and a blessing. They love me unconditionally, but this love is stopping me to CTB. This hindrance is torturing me alive. This love is ironically torturing me alive. I want a family who respect my decision to CTB. A kind of type that will only stop me through words, not action, to stop me from suicide. Knowing my family, they will call the goddamn PSYC Ward on me once they find me attempting suicide.
I want them to understand that I'm in unbearable pain. My future is already ruined in ways they can't even imagine. I have depression, life-long anxiety, socially awkward, slow and a dumbass. To be frank, I don't know why they keep me around. They want a man-child in their home forever? Last time I accidentally revealed that I was suicidal, they told me that they failed as a parent if one of their children died by suicide. In my head, they were doing everything right, they have no fault in this. They raised me as best as they can and sacrificed everything: money, status, career, time, etc. But I just want to die. I want them to respect that. I want to buy N or SN without them physically stopping me.
I want to repay my financial and personal debt to them, but then again, I didn't choose to be born. As a Filipino Catholic, I'm expected to take care of them in their retirement until their natural death. I want to do that, I really do, but since my future is going downhill and I am going to be a liability to them, a disgrace and a burden. I might as well cut ties by CTB, but that is hard to do when they're always checking up on me because I have been looking quite depressed lately.
I really can't stay like this. I don't know how much longer I can stay like this. If I tell them that I'm suicidal including the reasons, my dad may suffer heart attack, stroke, kidney failure, or any stress-related disease or illnesses. My mom wouldn't be able to handle this logically once I reveal this. If I die by suicide, they will be both in deep, unrecoverable depression, which they don't deserve. I'm trapped. I'm such a shitty son. I don't know how to proceed this life with these kinds of problems. I'm sure as fuck that I will not be able to fit in in this society, or become a productive member of the workforce as expected to immigrants. I'm such a disgrace to my family and to immigrants who worked so hard.
Yeah, I have it better than most of you guys. Some of you have bigger problems with no emotional support whatsoever. I get it. It just shows just how much of a crappy son I am who has lived a privileged life and fortunate enough to be born to perfect parents. I hate myself so fucking much. There is no one to blame but myself. Why was I even born at all?
