I think I am the latter one. It is really hard to find new ideas for threads currently. But I remembered a conversation I had in the psychiatry/clinic for people with psychosis. I used that wording because the staff in the clinic used it.
In this clinic for people with psychosis I have met a lot of people with way different lives than me. Many were drug addicts who ruined their brains/lives with drugs.
I thought about one guy (number 1). I can remember I think he is now probably on welfare. Many people there were rather dull. Many were not that bright. But I realized many of them could deal with depression way better than me. I think David Foster Wallace made this experience too. Sometimes self-awareness and certain thinking abilities can be very detrimental and counterproductive. I have made this experience a lot. Especially the ability to be ignorant as fuck can shield you a lot from self-doubts and sorrows. I see this with my dad almost at a daily basis. Though there are also smart people who are ignorant.
Logical thinking is sometimes not enough to find a solution. Not every question can be answered by that. I think DFW had some sophisticated thoughts on it. Though he was way smarter than me. But his mind seemed to even more tormenting than mine.
There was another guy in the clinic. (guy number two) When I had a self-help group with other patients at the clinic he made pejorative comments about our group. Something like we were self-absorbed and would think too much about our illnesses. He did not use the word self-absorbed probably because he did not know the word but it was something similar. I had the feeling this guy had like 2 brain cells but there was a certain potential truth in his comment. The members of this self-help group were into concepts of mental illnesses and how to approach our problems. But sometimes a practical approach is more helpful especially when it reduces the time to ruminate about a certain topic. By the way guy number 2 made a very silly joke about masturbation. He confused the English term and I found it kind of cringe. But due to the fact he was not self-aware about his mistake he probably evaluated it as a successful witty pun. Yeah I can remember shit like that despite the fact this happened several years ago. Lol.
Now I come back to guy number one. I think he was even more dull than guy number two. He sometimes used his cigarette lighter to basically create scars at his body. I don't think this was self-harm. I had the feeling either he was very bored or he wanted to induce emotions because due to his schizophrenia he had way less emotions/negative symptoms. When I was at the clinic I had major depression with extreme existential pain. My brain tortured me with racing negative thoughts and extreme psychosomatic pain. I think fast racing thoughts often can make me feel very horrible. Sometimes it is really very torturous. But guy number 1 told to the clinc staff he wished he was like me. The clinic staff told him the following. There is a simple dichotomy there are people who tend to be theorists and others are practitioners. ( I know the terms are not perfect.) They included me into the first category. It was kind of ironic. But my mind tortured me 24/7 with nightmarish pain and then there is someone who tells you that he envies you straight to the face. I had the feeling there is a diffference between me and many of them. Often there is emptiness in their head/mind. I barely know that feeling. I think emptiness is not that seldom in people with schizophrenia. I really barely know emptiness in my head. I rather try to cool myself down by becoming introverted and analytical about my mind on a meta-level. I think this lack of emptiness is a reason why I am able to write so much daily in this forum. But believe me it is a huge price one has to pay. And despite this ability I am probably not even able to hold a job/ get a stable income. So there is not much benefit of it.
I think another reason why these people had less existential pain was they were not self-aware. Moreover they did not think much about the future. Most of them could not work either but they did not worry much because their parents helped them. Me instead I am already planning my suicide when my parents die. I worry daily, my mind is obsessed by that fear it torments me ect. And they they just fade it out/can ignore it. I am thinking too much about the past and the future. Things I barely can change anyway.
Can you relate?
In this clinic for people with psychosis I have met a lot of people with way different lives than me. Many were drug addicts who ruined their brains/lives with drugs.
I thought about one guy (number 1). I can remember I think he is now probably on welfare. Many people there were rather dull. Many were not that bright. But I realized many of them could deal with depression way better than me. I think David Foster Wallace made this experience too. Sometimes self-awareness and certain thinking abilities can be very detrimental and counterproductive. I have made this experience a lot. Especially the ability to be ignorant as fuck can shield you a lot from self-doubts and sorrows. I see this with my dad almost at a daily basis. Though there are also smart people who are ignorant.
Logical thinking is sometimes not enough to find a solution. Not every question can be answered by that. I think DFW had some sophisticated thoughts on it. Though he was way smarter than me. But his mind seemed to even more tormenting than mine.
There was another guy in the clinic. (guy number two) When I had a self-help group with other patients at the clinic he made pejorative comments about our group. Something like we were self-absorbed and would think too much about our illnesses. He did not use the word self-absorbed probably because he did not know the word but it was something similar. I had the feeling this guy had like 2 brain cells but there was a certain potential truth in his comment. The members of this self-help group were into concepts of mental illnesses and how to approach our problems. But sometimes a practical approach is more helpful especially when it reduces the time to ruminate about a certain topic. By the way guy number 2 made a very silly joke about masturbation. He confused the English term and I found it kind of cringe. But due to the fact he was not self-aware about his mistake he probably evaluated it as a successful witty pun. Yeah I can remember shit like that despite the fact this happened several years ago. Lol.
Now I come back to guy number one. I think he was even more dull than guy number two. He sometimes used his cigarette lighter to basically create scars at his body. I don't think this was self-harm. I had the feeling either he was very bored or he wanted to induce emotions because due to his schizophrenia he had way less emotions/negative symptoms. When I was at the clinic I had major depression with extreme existential pain. My brain tortured me with racing negative thoughts and extreme psychosomatic pain. I think fast racing thoughts often can make me feel very horrible. Sometimes it is really very torturous. But guy number 1 told to the clinc staff he wished he was like me. The clinic staff told him the following. There is a simple dichotomy there are people who tend to be theorists and others are practitioners. ( I know the terms are not perfect.) They included me into the first category. It was kind of ironic. But my mind tortured me 24/7 with nightmarish pain and then there is someone who tells you that he envies you straight to the face. I had the feeling there is a diffference between me and many of them. Often there is emptiness in their head/mind. I barely know that feeling. I think emptiness is not that seldom in people with schizophrenia. I really barely know emptiness in my head. I rather try to cool myself down by becoming introverted and analytical about my mind on a meta-level. I think this lack of emptiness is a reason why I am able to write so much daily in this forum. But believe me it is a huge price one has to pay. And despite this ability I am probably not even able to hold a job/ get a stable income. So there is not much benefit of it.
I think another reason why these people had less existential pain was they were not self-aware. Moreover they did not think much about the future. Most of them could not work either but they did not worry much because their parents helped them. Me instead I am already planning my suicide when my parents die. I worry daily, my mind is obsessed by that fear it torments me ect. And they they just fade it out/can ignore it. I am thinking too much about the past and the future. Things I barely can change anyway.
Can you relate?
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