Venting Are you in peace with the idea of dying?

[Notwinnernotawin]

Are you in peace with the idea of ending your life? Because even tho I am complete hopeless about my future, I feel a little shaken by the idea of giving up. It's almost like the "what if" it's the only thing stopping me from moving on with killing myself. That stupid hope. I never do it today because what if things change tomorrow? I know they definitely won't change, but I'm afraid of arriving on the other side just to find out I was moments away from a great change. I know it sounds stupid... But what if?

 

[Yomyom]

I need a time machine or a huge miracle, my problems is not with myself my problems is with the reality
And since reality is not going to change I prefer to try my luck with death than keep living

 

[SleeplessSoul]

I think that makes sense? I'm waiting to hear back about PhD funding and it's one of the main things (besides coronavirus) stopping me at the moment. I failed a few months ago and was in shock for a couple of weeks about the fact I almost died but was still alive.

I don't see the point in still being here so I'm getting close to being at peace. Death makes more sense to me and is more comforting than being alive.

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

I can relate. One way I cope is by imagining completely unrealistic scenarios that would immediately fix my life, this gives me unneeded hope that clouds my judgment. There are several other things that make me hesitate as well through, for example if I die today I will miss the sequel to one of my favorite animes. There are a bunch of things that really don't matter which makes it so much harder to ctb. I think our brain just pulls out anything it can as a defense mechanism.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I need a time machine or a huge miracle, my problems is not with myself my problems is with the reality
And since reality is not going to change I prefer to try my luck with death than keep living

I relate so much to your words.

 

[Wheelz1985]

If I was at peace with the Idea of Dying, I'd already be dead.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I think that makes sense? I'm waiting to hear back about PhD funding and it's one of the main things (besides coronavirus) stopping me at the moment. I failed a few months ago and was in shock for a couple of weeks about the fact I almost died but was still alive.

I don't see the point in still being here so I'm getting close to being at peace. Death makes more sense to me and is more comforting than being alive.

I hope everything works out well for you.

I can relate. One way I cope is by imagining completely unrealistic scenarios that would immediately fix my life, this gives me unneeded hope that clouds my judgment. There are several other things that make me hesitate as well through, for example if I die today I will miss the sequel to one of my favorite animes. There are a bunch of things that really don't matter which makes it so much harder to ctb. I think our brain just pulls out anything it can as a defense mechanism.

Yes, I've been doing that thing too. But lately I'm just considering getting infected by the virus and letting it kill me. Worst case scenario, it won't even reach the small town I live in.

If I was at peace with the Idea of Dying, I'd already be dead.

Makes sense.

 

[biboty]

It's the only alternative I have to get rid of the pain of being a human failure. I stay at peace when I think of death

 

[PartingGlass]

Absolutely not. I do not want to die. But I'm so tired of being lonely and miserable.

 

[Donk]

i dont wanna live but i dont wanna die either. im gathering as much info as i can so if i do decide to ctb i will be fully ready.

 

[faust]

I have already surrendered. I crossed the point of no return, so death would be less stressful than life itself.
I am expecting the great changes and they are terrifying.
Don't want them to meet face to face.
So in few words my life is a wandering serpentine which inevitably leads to abyss.

If you have strengths to wait, then of course you can see what happens next. At least of curiosity.
But once you will have to choose, to leave everything as it is or die/recover.

 

[Mr2005]

Are you in peace with the idea of ending your life? Because even tho I am complete hopeless about my future, I feel a little shaken by the idea of giving up. It's almost like the "what if" it's the only thing stopping me from moving on with killing myself. That stupid hope. I never do it today because what if things change tomorrow? I know they definitely won't change, but I'm afraid of arriving on the other side just to find out I was moments away from a great change. I know it sounds stupid... But what if?

Even with the most peaceful method ever it's still scary knowing you're going to die. This is all I've known for 33 years and it makes me sad because I know it didn't have to happen. The only hope I really have is for time travel to become a reality as someone else already said.

 

[miguel6565]

I can relate. One way I cope is by imagining completely unrealistic scenarios that would immediately fix my life, this gives me unneeded hope that clouds my judgment. There are several other things that make me hesitate as well through, for example if I die today I will miss the sequel to one of my favorite animes. There are a bunch of things that really don't matter which makes it so much harder to ctb. I think our brain just pulls out anything it can as a defense mechanism.

i can realte,everytime i get thoughts of oh what if you could be a rockstar or bullshit like that,i think brain try to stop us by making that impossible scenarios

 

[Sweet Release]

Yes I am at peace with the idea of ending my life.
The thought of not having to live with the pain anymore fills me with peace and I just feel so done with life.
Also part of me feels like my suicide will be like a parting statement.
I know it sounds bitter but its like I am turning around and saying to life YOU HAPPY NOW? YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED? YOU TOOK AWAY ALL MY CHANCES AND HAPPINESS SO FINE, TAKE MY LIFE!
I know its not much but I do feel a sense of satisfaction with that.

Now also, there is is that sense of "but what if life gets better?" and yes that has made it difficult for me to go through with it.
After all if JK Rowling had gone through with suicide (she openly talked about the temptation to end her life when she was in the lowest point of her life) then we would never have had Harry Potter and she would not have become such a successful writer, if Sanders had gone through with his suicide then he would never had set up KFC, if Juliet Lewis had gone through with it then she would never had become a successful actress and various other examples.

However, I don't have youth on my side anymore.
If I was younger then I might keep trying but the older you get the harder it is to believe that life will get better.
So, yes I am at peace with it.
The thought of having to keep living with my past is far more frightening and unpleasant than the thought of death so I will great death as a friend.

It's the only alternative I have to get rid of the pain of being a human failure. I stay at peace when I think of death

You and me both friend.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

No not yet.

 

[Sweet Release]

I relate so much to your words.

I have often wished for that time machine.
I feel your pain

 

[a.n.kirillov]

But I know that the letting go part will be the single most pleasurable moment of our entire lives. It will be pleasurable I can guarantee you that—all the pressure you felt from the moment you were born falling off your shoulders... Just read some NDE stories on Reddit.
.
It makes sense if you see pleasure as the alleviation of desire/ need that giving in to death must be orgasmicly pleasurable.

 

[Sweet Release]

i dont wanna live but i dont wanna die either. im gathering as much info as i can so if i do decide to ctb i will be fully ready.

I waited a couple of years when I wanted to die just to be sure that my life couldn't be saved.
At this stage I can now safely say I am certain about what I want.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I am not at peace with it, I guess I am scared of dying, that is why I can't ctb, but at the same time ctb always seems like my only goal. I always sabotage anything else that might improve my life because I feel that I don't really care about anything else but ctb.

I'm only afraid of being murdered. Other than that, I'm okay with the fact that one day, out of nowhere (unless I'm critically sick), I'll die.

But I know that the letting go part will be the single most pleasurable moment of our entire lives. It will be pleasurable I can guarantee you that—all the pressure you felt from the moment you were born falling off your shoulders... Just read some NDE stories on Reddit.
.
It makes sense if you see pleasure as the alleviation of desire/ need that giving in to death must be orgasmicly pleasurable.

I've seen death up close a few times. The last time, I tried to ctb by taking a lot of pills. Kinda enjoyed the feeling of letting go. But then I had to open my big mouth and my mom called an ambulance. I hope I feel the same when my time comes.

 

[StillWaiting]

I accepted it. Can't see it changing no matter how I try. I don't have family members or friends who even care about my well-being.
It is too tiring to keep struggling

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

Yes I am at peace with the idea of ending my life.
The thought of not having to live with the pain anymore fills me with peace and I just feel so done with life.
Also part of me feels like my suicide will be like a parting statement.
I know it sounds bitter but its like I am turning around and saying to life YOU HAPPY NOW? YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED? YOU TOOK AWAY ALL MY CHANCES AND HAPPINESS SO FINE, TAKE MY LIFE!
I know its not much but I do feel a sense of satisfaction with that.

Now also, there is is that sense of "but what if life gets better?" and yes that has made it difficult for me to go through with it.
After all if JK Rowling had gone through with suicide (she openly talked about the temptation to end her life when she was in the lowest point of her life) then we would never have had Harry Potter and she would not have become such a successful writer, if Sanders had gone through with his suicide then he would never had set up KFC, if Juliet Lewis had gone through with it then she would never had become a successful actress and various other examples.

However, I don't have youth on my side anymore.
If I was younger then I might keep trying but the older you get the harder it is to believe that life will get better.
So, yes I am at peace with it.
The thought of having to keep living with my past is far more frightening and unpleasant than the thought of death so I will great death as a friend.

You and me both friend.

I also have that feeling. Killing myself will be a great way to make a statement. A lot of people want to see me dead anyways, so I don't think it will affect them in some way. The only person I know that will, in fact, grieve my death is my mom.

I accepted it. Can't see it changing no matter how I try. I don't have family members or friends who even care about my well-being.
It is too tiring to keep struggling

I'm sorry it has to be this way.

Absolutely not. I do not want to die. But I'm so tired of being lonely and miserable.

If you ever want or need someone to talk to, I'm still here so feel free to message me.

 

[Sweet Release]

I also have that feeling. Killing myself will be a great way to make a statement. A lot of people want to see me dead anyways, so I don't think it will affect them in some way. The only person I know that will, in fact, grieve my death is my mom.

I'm sorry it has to be this way.

You know what?
My mother is one of the reasons why I didn't go through with it before.
My "statement" as I call it isn't directed at her and it genuinely pains me to think of her grieving my death.
However she can no longer talk me out of it.
She loves me and I love her but she gets tired of trying to talk me out of my most depressive states and support me through it.

Also, yeah there are quite a few people who hate my guts so a lot of people couldn't care if I died.
Mind you, some of them hate me so much I'm almost tempted to stay alive just because it pisses them off that I exist.

I accepted it. Can't see it changing no matter how I try. I don't have family members or friends who even care about my well-being.
It is too tiring to keep struggling

The struggle is so tiring.
Hope you find peace.

 

[Erase.myself]

I am for sure at peace with dying. I have accepted this decision to ctb. I'd do it in a week or so if I wasn't stuck in this damn psych hospital for opening my mouth to my therapist out of pure emotional breakdown and inability to lie to her. Once I get out though, I'm back to planning, writing goodbye letters, purchasing my SN and attempt to obtain meto (tried to get meto yet he gave me different script). Im am done with this cruel 32 years I've lived. I see no hope for my future that I fucked up as a drug addict years ago, I'm tired of fighting all my mental illnesses and see myself defective (,in and out of psych whole life, in and out of drug rehab, and currently relapsing on anorexia while in treatment. Im just a hopeless, messy case of a human, grieving, sadness in my chest I can't rid of. I wanna be free already.

 

[Sweet Release]

I am for sure at peace with dying. I have accepted this decision to ctb. I'd do it in a week or so if I wasn't stuck in this damn psych hospital for opening my mouth to my therapist out of pure emotional breakdown and inability to lie to her. Once I get out though, I'm back to planning, writing goodbye letters, purchasing my SN and attempt to obtain meto (tried to get meto yet he gave me different script). Im am done with this cruel 32 years I've lived. I see no hope for my future that I fucked up as a drug addict years ago, I'm tired of fighting all my mental illnesses and see myself defective (,in and out of psych whole life, in and out of drug rehab, and currently relapsing on anorexia while in treatment. Im just a hopeless, messy case of a human, grieving, sadness in my chest I can't rid of. I wanna be free already.

How awful!
I'm genuinely sorry to hear what you've been through.
I've been in psych hospitals too and didn't find them helpful to be honest.
Well anyway, heres a hug from one messy case of a human to another.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I am for sure at peace with dying. I have accepted this decision to ctb. I'd do it in a week or so if I wasn't stuck in this damn psych hospital for opening my mouth to my therapist out of pure emotional breakdown and inability to lie to her. Once I get out though, I'm back to planning, writing goodbye letters, purchasing my SN and attempt to obtain meto (tried to get meto yet he gave me different script). Im am done with this cruel 32 years I've lived. I see no hope for my future that I fucked up as a drug addict years ago, I'm tired of fighting all my mental illnesses and see myself defective (,in and out of psych whole life, in and out of drug rehab, and currently relapsing on anorexia while in treatment. Im just a hopeless, messy case of a human, grieving, sadness in my chest I can't rid of. I wanna be free already.

I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.

 

[Foresight]

I'm less at peace with it than I'd like to be.

 

[Disintegration]

It sounds like you shouldn't do it. I'm afraid, but I know it's what's best. I tell myself to be brave and to be at peace with it. I know I'll be okay, my intuition tells me everything will be alright and that I should relax about it.

 

[Blutsager]

It is a complicated process,

I have written many posts about it already, sharing my feelings as I develop an acceptance over the matter.
Just today I wanted to share something, perhaps you may call it a poem, or a mere letter to our old friend, Death.

I am slowly but steadily accepting it's presence, doing my best to receive with welcoming arms when his hand knocks on my doorstep. His work tireless, his responsibility thankless, I wish at least to welcome him as a guest on my home, with the happiness of being reunited with an old friend I have not met since my childhood, when I was very ill as a baby. And to be thankful to him for in his work, he will lead me to the heavens, and the eternal peace of the Afterlife.

 

[Living sucks]

Nope. Not At all. I do not want to die but physically the torture is beyond unbearable. I'm dying a slow miserable death and need it to end but I'm a coward to do it myself although I know it's coming to that. I wish I wanted to do it, it would make it easier.

EDIT. I was at peace with death when i thought i would die naturally of old age but taking my own way too young bcuz of illness is where there is no peace with it

 

[Mooshi]

Yes, most of the time I am at peace with it. I sometimes have moments of uncertainty and maybe fear of the unknown, but I'm almost always at peace with it.