I am glad I can be fully honest in front of my closest friends. I was open to other parts of my support system too though I don't reveal some details about my pain/suicidality. I opened up to my psychiatrist she seemingly forgot it when I did not mention it further. No clinic or professional can help me to hold a job. Moreover bipolar usually proceeds in cycles. And these two are like death sentences for me.
One of my 3 closest friends could not handle anymore my talk about suicide and this forum. He said it makes him depressed. He is still a very very good friend but I have to protect him. The other two of my closest friends know how desperate I am and that I plan to kill myself after the next relapse (which I try to postpone as long as possible).
I have the feeling most average people have no clue of severe mental health issues. Some people know I am mentally ill at college. One guy was extremely helpful and friendly. I think secretly he considers me somewhat insular and self-absorbed. Which is kind of true. Still he genuinely cares about me.
Others are puzzled why I am studying only part-time. Many people tend to prejudices on mental illnesses. My second best friend at college is really confused about me. First when I revealed to him how few courses I attend he had to hide how cringe he considers that. It was kind of offensive. I already explained it in detail this incident. I think he just considered me lazy and thought I would use mental illness as an excuse. Which is ridiculous I am eager on an insane level and conscientious as fuck. I think he is really confused currently. He realizes how hard I study. I always make jokes with him and we have good discussions. In front of my college friends I completely play down my pain and suicidality. Personally I think it is good for me to share my true pain with some close people. At the same time I want to have the ability to hide the pain when I want it. In the past I had horrible social skills and was awkward as fuck. People realized there was something wrong with me which was very uncomfortable for me. Due to psychotherapy and training I regained these skills. And I am proud of myself that I am now socially more skilled.
However seemingly I am so good at it that my college friend does not think maybe it is all acted. Not everything is acted though. But of course for example the standard question: how are you? I always have to lie. Noone wants to hear a long sad and tragic monologue on that question. He is pretty smart so I am kind of surprised he does not get things like that. I think "tears of a clown" would capture my sadness when I am joking with him. He is still pretty young but it is shocking how uneducated people are on mental illness. And many of them are also very ignorant. I struggle how I am perceived by others a lot. However I have to remind myself strangers don't care about me so I don't have to worry about their opinion. I struggle with that.
Some people are for me like a safe space for talking about my pain. Others don't really get it. I think especially people who live on the bright side of life most of their time have no grasp how fucked up life can be for some people on a regular basis. I would be curious what he would say to the fact that I am suicidal since a decade more or less daily. However I won't tell him that. I am good at guessing how empathetic people are on such issues. And he really is not empathetic at all. I am glad I am good at assessing the trustworthyness of people. It spared me a lot of painful experiences. Many people are pretty rotten I had to learn that the hard way. My former best friend early at school became one of my worst bullies. It taught me a good lesson at deciding who to trust. Often the loners, unpopular, contrarian people were the most trustworthy people for me. People who don't give a fuck on their popularity. This was one reason why I became so close to my best friend. He could have thrown me a couple of time in front of the train or vice versa for the sake of gaining popularity. Others did this shit to him and me. But we were pretty loyal to each other.
Okay off-topic I think about it without any break. I am pretty angry on me because of the following. A certain patient in a clinic who I admired and a therapist considered me delusional when I was in the clinic some years ago. I really liked him and when I opened up in which pain I was he was shocked. He really felt bad and told me afterwards he slept pretty bad because of it. I wanted to protect him and did not elaborate further on my pain. Though in the end he blamed my hopelessness on intersubjectivity which I of course know and know such a thinking fallacy. I did not answer that because I was scared he could feel bad again. Well what did I receive for that? When he said goodbye to me he was extremely smug and condescending. He kind of insulted me in front of others and this is what I got for wanting to protect him from my pain. Another therapist also was very smug to me. She gave similar arguments like the patient I could imagine he complained in front of her how annoying I was. I am not sure what this experience should tell me. Probably I should give less of a fuck on people's opinions. The patient was a STEM professor whose intelligence astonished me. But I had to learn well intelligence is not equivalent to empathy. I am angry that I wanted to be the good guy in this situation. I think he considered me presumptuous but one could say the same about his claim I was delusional about my hopelessnes. He assumed this was only my assessment that I am an hopeless case. But the truth is two therapists gave me up prior to the clinic stay. I think my main lesson should be: giving less of a fuck on the opinion of strangers. I hope I will succeed on that better after articulating my thoughts in this thread.
One of my 3 closest friends could not handle anymore my talk about suicide and this forum. He said it makes him depressed. He is still a very very good friend but I have to protect him. The other two of my closest friends know how desperate I am and that I plan to kill myself after the next relapse (which I try to postpone as long as possible).
I have the feeling most average people have no clue of severe mental health issues. Some people know I am mentally ill at college. One guy was extremely helpful and friendly. I think secretly he considers me somewhat insular and self-absorbed. Which is kind of true. Still he genuinely cares about me.
Others are puzzled why I am studying only part-time. Many people tend to prejudices on mental illnesses. My second best friend at college is really confused about me. First when I revealed to him how few courses I attend he had to hide how cringe he considers that. It was kind of offensive. I already explained it in detail this incident. I think he just considered me lazy and thought I would use mental illness as an excuse. Which is ridiculous I am eager on an insane level and conscientious as fuck. I think he is really confused currently. He realizes how hard I study. I always make jokes with him and we have good discussions. In front of my college friends I completely play down my pain and suicidality. Personally I think it is good for me to share my true pain with some close people. At the same time I want to have the ability to hide the pain when I want it. In the past I had horrible social skills and was awkward as fuck. People realized there was something wrong with me which was very uncomfortable for me. Due to psychotherapy and training I regained these skills. And I am proud of myself that I am now socially more skilled.
However seemingly I am so good at it that my college friend does not think maybe it is all acted. Not everything is acted though. But of course for example the standard question: how are you? I always have to lie. Noone wants to hear a long sad and tragic monologue on that question. He is pretty smart so I am kind of surprised he does not get things like that. I think "tears of a clown" would capture my sadness when I am joking with him. He is still pretty young but it is shocking how uneducated people are on mental illness. And many of them are also very ignorant. I struggle how I am perceived by others a lot. However I have to remind myself strangers don't care about me so I don't have to worry about their opinion. I struggle with that.
Some people are for me like a safe space for talking about my pain. Others don't really get it. I think especially people who live on the bright side of life most of their time have no grasp how fucked up life can be for some people on a regular basis. I would be curious what he would say to the fact that I am suicidal since a decade more or less daily. However I won't tell him that. I am good at guessing how empathetic people are on such issues. And he really is not empathetic at all. I am glad I am good at assessing the trustworthyness of people. It spared me a lot of painful experiences. Many people are pretty rotten I had to learn that the hard way. My former best friend early at school became one of my worst bullies. It taught me a good lesson at deciding who to trust. Often the loners, unpopular, contrarian people were the most trustworthy people for me. People who don't give a fuck on their popularity. This was one reason why I became so close to my best friend. He could have thrown me a couple of time in front of the train or vice versa for the sake of gaining popularity. Others did this shit to him and me. But we were pretty loyal to each other.
Okay off-topic I think about it without any break. I am pretty angry on me because of the following. A certain patient in a clinic who I admired and a therapist considered me delusional when I was in the clinic some years ago. I really liked him and when I opened up in which pain I was he was shocked. He really felt bad and told me afterwards he slept pretty bad because of it. I wanted to protect him and did not elaborate further on my pain. Though in the end he blamed my hopelessness on intersubjectivity which I of course know and know such a thinking fallacy. I did not answer that because I was scared he could feel bad again. Well what did I receive for that? When he said goodbye to me he was extremely smug and condescending. He kind of insulted me in front of others and this is what I got for wanting to protect him from my pain. Another therapist also was very smug to me. She gave similar arguments like the patient I could imagine he complained in front of her how annoying I was. I am not sure what this experience should tell me. Probably I should give less of a fuck on people's opinions. The patient was a STEM professor whose intelligence astonished me. But I had to learn well intelligence is not equivalent to empathy. I am angry that I wanted to be the good guy in this situation. I think he considered me presumptuous but one could say the same about his claim I was delusional about my hopelessnes. He assumed this was only my assessment that I am an hopeless case. But the truth is two therapists gave me up prior to the clinic stay. I think my main lesson should be: giving less of a fuck on the opinion of strangers. I hope I will succeed on that better after articulating my thoughts in this thread.
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