I debate with myself about leaving a letter or not every day. I'm mostly certain I will, but a part of me recognizes that once I'm gone it won't matter to me either way. But there are others who will live on who do matter to me. I think a big part of my hesitation, and perhaps with other people's, is that you only get one chance to say what you want to say and that it won't be enough, or won't be quite right. So to avoid the mistake it may be best to not say anything at all. But I suppose that's why I've been drafting my letter for months now, on and off, to perfect it as much as I can. At the very least I would leave an apology for the people I rent with for likely having to find my body and that I could never be sorry enough for the trauma that may bring them. I have many different versions of notes I've worked on to send to my ex. She is a part of why I can't see a future for myself in this world. We still keep contact with each other and share much mutual love and care despite our separating and distance. I feel she deserves an explanation more than anyone, even if it can be hard for me to write genuinely without saying something potentially crass such as, "I cannot live this life without you in it". I want her to know, I want her to remember me and think of me forever. I know that she would whether I left a long explanation or not. Like I said, I'm still in the internal debating stage of it…
