My mother asked me, "Are you glad I gave birth to you?" Today was one of the nastiest moments of my life. I said yes. I didn't want to upset her. Like I always do, I lie. I hide my emotions. I trapped myself. I tried to help other people and not burden them with my problems. I didn't want to feel anything. It felt like weakness to me.
And now I feel nothing but pain. I know I have no one to complain to. I want to lie in a room and not come out of there, but no consequences. Not to think about exams, about studying, about family.
What could I say to her? Mom, I want to die very often. I am tired of chronic pain and no one supports me. I strive so hard to be perfect for you, but it's not enough. I'm always falling behind somewhere. I want you to forget about me so I can mess up my life to the end.
Geeze, I really hate those situations. There is a lot of pressure, and it seems really unfair to pull on the "I gave birth to you" thread. If this situation happened to me I would squirm because I really dislike lying, but I also don't like to hurt my mother's feelings, and most of the time I do not feel equipped to have a deep conversation.
I think it isn't healthy or sustainable to hide your deepest feelings from the people you're close to. My family knows what's up. It's also much better this way if you end up actually doing it. I'm sorry but those that try to hide it and one day end their lives just took the road that looked easier but it's worse for everyone else.
That's right. But I'm afraid to open up. Maybe someday I'll despair and tell everything.
If you are wishing for a gateway into opening up and talking about things or to even give her a hint of what you are feeling (so that if she wants, she can question you and learn more). I would suggest something like the following...
She asks, "Are you glad I gave birth to you?"
1) You reply by asking her "Why are you asking me this? What is your goal, what is it you are needing from me right now?"
Or
2) You reply by saying something that is TRUE but doesn't truly answer the question. "I am grateful for how much you love me." "I know you always want the best for me. Thank you. I love you." Etc.
Set an intention to be as honest as possible. Deep down inside, mothers almost certainly do wish to know that their children are suffering so they can try to help.
In a similar vein, my mother periodically used to say things that amount to "fishing" for me to tell her that she was a good mother. I always stayed quiet, pretending that I didn't know what she was after (but possibly it was obvious thru my body language that I did know?). If I truly was a kind and loving daughter, I would have said something like, "I know you did the best you could." But I didn't. I don't know whether I regret that or not.
