Are you ever just...

[Un-]

Scrolling on this forum. Minutes turn into hours. Going back and forth from Suicide Discussion, to Offtopic to Recovery, hoping to see someone comment something new, or a new thread to pop up.. But internally, you know that you won't remember what's said tomorrow. You don't care. Back and forth, hoping to cure your boredom.. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. But you don't care. It's something, right? Even if you'll never say your opinion (probably because you don't have any) at least you're not thinking about death, or sadness.. Or how they left your heart broken.. Or how you're gonna do this for the next one hundred and fifty years because you're struggling to die. But the thing is, you are thinking about those things. This place does fuck-all for you, but it's better than going on YouTube or Reddit or WhatsApp or Facebook or Instagram because you'll be reminded of how isolated you are from other people.

What can you do? You don't enjoy movies, music, films, video games, talking to people (as if you have any friends), reading, studying, sitting, lying down, thinking, sleeping. Nothing. Paralysed in your necrotic flesh.. In a carnal penitentiary. What can you do?

 

[tetra]

I try to formulate something unique or conversation provoking to say. My internal monologue berates and criticizes me into realizing the pointlessness of what I have to say and what people think. I haven't left the house of my own volition in almost 6 months and I ignore the only messages I get because I do not like being reminded of myself. I become self-conscious while typing words that have no meaning to anyone else but me. Sometimes I get sad that everything I like is temporary, and then I realize that all of the things I don't like are also temporary. Realizing this does not help in speeding things up. Everything I want feels paradoxical.

I get anxious that i'm not using my time efficiently. Anxiety creates suspense, and time flies by when you're having fun, but I want it all to stop. I like to think that i'm trying to find my way out, but I can tell that I get lost a lot along the way, and I stare at exits without leaving.

 

[FML_]

Yeah... High speed internet just ruins your mind so much that eventually everything gets boring. Youtube, Reddit, this forum, real life. You end up losing control over your life and things slowly start not mattering anymore, even important stuff. I wish there was a way to fix myself after abusing it for so many years.

 

[Julgran]

Scrolling on this forum. Minutes turn into hours. Going back and forth from Suicide Discussion, to Offtopic to Recovery, hoping to see someone comment something new, or a new thread to pop up.. But internally, you know that you won't remember what's said tomorrow. You don't care. Back and forth, hoping to cure your boredom.. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. But you don't care. It's something, right? Even if you'll never say your opinion (probably because you don't have any) at least you're not thinking about death, or sadness.. Or how they left your heart broken.. Or how you're gonna do this for the next one hundred and fifty years because you're struggling to die. But the thing is, you are thinking about those things. This place does fuck-all for you, but it's better than going on YouTube or Reddit or WhatsApp or Facebook or Instagram because you'll be reminded of how isolated you are from other people.

What can you do? You don't enjoy movies, music, films, video games, talking to people (as if you have any friends), reading, studying, sitting, lying down, thinking, sleeping. Nothing. Paralysed in your necrotic flesh.. In a carnal penitentiary. What can you do?

Sometimes a heartfelt reply can improve someone's day - we all can contribute to achieveing that on our way to our eventual end

 

[Un-]

I try to formulate something unique or conversation provoking to say. My internal monologue berates and criticizes me into realizing the pointlessness of what I have to say and what people think. I haven't left the house of my own volition in almost 6 months and I ignore the only messages I get because I do not like being reminded of myself. I become self-conscious while typing words that have no meaning to anyone else but me. Sometimes I get sad that everything I like is temporary, and then I realize that all of the things I don't like are also temporary. Realizing this does not help in speeding things up. Everything I want feels paradoxical.

I get anxious that i'm not using my time efficiently. Anxiety creates suspense, and time flies by when you're having fun, but I want it all to stop. I like to think that i'm trying to find my way out, but I can tell that I get lost a lot along the way, and I stare at exits without leaving.

Yeah, no. You hit the nail on the head. Sometimes I think of something to say, though.. but my internal voice (I have a voice in my head) says "Eh, what difference would it make if you kept quiet?". The answer is always none. It's paradoxical that I even made this thread. I'm sorry you're feeling this way though. It's a hell within itself.

Sometimes a heartfelt reply can improve someone's day - we all can contribute to achieveing that on our way to our eventual end

Yeah, but.. Would it change anything? Someone else will do the same thing. And then another person, and then another.. you've seen the goodbye threads, right? Tons of replies. It doesn't even matter if I say something or not because ten other people said the same thing, and the recipient probably only read about one or two replies. Maybe I'm just being... difficult. I don't know man. I'm in an awe-struck stupor by how people manage to comment and post threads and shit. I'm always wondering if they realise how pointless it is. It's why I don't post or comment at all.. because I find it pointless. Someone will say what you're saying anyways. And if they don't, was what you were thinking really all that important? Would it change anything? At least, not for me. Like I have some extra information on the gun method of suicide, that I haven't seen anyone mention, but I haven't said anything because... it doesn't make a difference. At all. Fuck. I'm rambling again.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

It's a distraction from grim reality…

 

[Julgran]

Yeah, but.. Would it change anything? Someone else will do the same thing. And then another person, and then another.. you've seen the goodbye threads, right? Tons of replies. It doesn't even matter if I say something or not because ten other people said the same thing, and the recipient probably only read about one or two replies. Maybe I'm just being... difficult. I don't know man. I'm in an awe-struck stupor by how people manage to comment and post threads and shit. I'm always wondering if they realise how pointless it is. It's why I don't post or comment at all.. because I find it pointless. Someone will say what you're saying anyways. And if they don't, was what you were thinking really all that important? Would it change anything? At least, not for me. Like I have some extra information on the gun method of suicide, that I haven't seen anyone mention, but I haven't said anything because... it doesn't make a difference. At all. Fuck. I'm rambling again.

You are exactly right in that there's no real, long-term meaning to the interaction, but we chose to become members of this community of our own accord. We could just find a method that suits us and leave, but some of us have chosen to stay for a while longer, for some reason.

It's a distraction from grim reality…

You put it more clearly.

 

[Adrenalineaddict]

As someone who has struggled to find a method and feels trapped in this world, I think of course a person who is trapped in unbearable suffering against their will is not going to be excited about it. My mental state is one of something close to psychological torture 24/7 and I can't even scream because God forbid I disrupt the neighbours by crying out in pain. Back when I was a Christian I wondered how souls in hell might feel. If there is no "other side" to the suffering that they will ever reach, of course they will have no purpose, nothing they do matters, they will never know peace or betternes. But if the purpose of unbearable suffering was to reform people, like some kind of temporary hell or purgatory, I wondered to myself how would that rehabilitate bad, suffering people? Cure a tortured mind with more torture, God says you can only have peace when you are at peace ewithin yourself even though the being tortured part makes it very hard to do that. That seems pretty hopeless to me too. This life is temporary, yes, but I will have to live here for around 60 more years, worrying about my every word, every action, every movement should it be wrong. Do no harm seemed noble to me, but it trapped me as a fundamentalist Christian and atheist alike. I am condemned, because everything I do matters. Oh irony, how I love thee.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand. Everything feels pointless for me as well. All that life basically is, is just one big distraction from the fact that we will die. I see no point to enduring this life when instead, I could be peacefully not existing, if I am gone there will be no more problems, no more suffering. To me, non existence is ideal. I don't get any relief from being here, this website feels so empty to me and it is basically pointless as even with all the method information I still cannot bring myself to ctb.

Of course this is the fault of the society for denying the right to die, a peaceful exit should be a human right. Those who are gone are lucky, they don't have to endure this life anymore. I envy those who come on this website, get their method information and just leave, they never feel a need to post anything. At this point I'm just so tired of it all. Tired of the endless days, tired of thinking about everything.

 

[born2win]

When im here, i feel like im not alone with people who have thoughts similar to mine. Thats why i come back here until i dont. But even at my last moment, ill put up a thread here detailing what im about to do. Although thats not new i find solace here and kindness from you all. I find peace from it.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Scrolling on this forum. Minutes turn into hours. Going back and forth from Suicide Discussion, to Offtopic to Recovery, hoping to see someone comment something new, or a new thread to pop up

Yes to this part of it, for sure. And mixed feelings about the rest of it at the same time as I totally get what you're saying. [Not at all negating what you said... I just mean you and I are separate people with some/a lot of differences.]

Yeah... High speed internet just ruins your mind so much that eventually everything gets boring. Youtube, Reddit, this forum, real life. You end up losing control over your life and things slowly start not mattering anymore, even important stuff. I wish there was a way to fix myself after abusing it for so many years.

Yes. I feel like "the internet" has ruined my mind. Clicking back and forth waiting for something new is now an "activity."

I try to formulate something unique or conversation provoking to say. My internal monologue berates and criticizes me into realizing the pointlessness of what I have to say and what people think.

Hi! I'm seeing this is your second post here. I just want you to know that you can post without having unique or conversation-provoking things to say.

 

[September Salt]

I keep scrolling and refreshing, hoping to find new insight into leaving this miserable world, even though the odds of that are pretty low. Every method I've read about has some flaw, including the fact that something could go wrong and make my life even worse than it is now.

 

[Rapière]

When my brain is unable to produce any positive emotions, I usually have pain, my most loyal companion, to keep the boredom at bay.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think SaSu is just a brief stop on the road, a diversion, as another user said, until we get to the point where we are finally ready. There are plenty of methods here, some more difficult than others, some whose materials are harder to get than others, but plenty of methods, nonetheless, of which most would be successful, if planned out properly, and care was taken to make sure the outcome was as intended. None are 100%, of course. All one can do is take steps to mitigate what might go wrong.