Are you afraid of suicide? Why?

[migimortis]

I'm a coward. I don't want to be here anymore but I'm too afraid to commit suicide. I'm afraid of the physical suffering I may have to endure and also potentially failing and having to live with whatever damage I've inflicted to myself. I wallow in self loathing and pity every day, wishing I was dead, but ultimately I do nothing about it because I'm a coward. I'm truly pathetic.

I can only hope that soon the pain of living shall overcome my fear of suicide. Until then, I suffer.

Are you afraid of suicide? Why?

 

[F@#$]

Must be,I'm still here.

 

[BlackMoon]

I fear to fail or to feel pain.

 

[migimortis]

It's truly a flesh prison.

 

[sorrowful]

A little, there's pain, and then sometimes it dawns on me that I simply won't exist anymore. And that fact feels almost incomprehensible. Today I exist, and tomorrow I won't. I often wonder what happens, where I'll go. The idea of complete non-existence is both eerie and comforting.

 

[Old Friend]

I don't want to fuck it up.

 

[Abyssal]

I have no fear whatsoever. I've tried to ctb a few times and I didn't fail by trying to get help out of fear. Hell, I wasn't even scared, dying isn't scary to me. Your brain doesn't change or anything to a survival mode like you see in the media, it's just the same.

If I had to describe how I felt on my last attempt? Take how you feel right now and imagine you have to pee really bad. Thats how it feels lol.

That said I'm still alive because lack of resources (until recently), a level of emotional stability, and an understanding that I'm waiting for a certain date before I ctb (this is a big one. When i am having a meltdown I remind myself why I set a date and willpower my way through it).

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd fear trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse suffering as a result, I find it terrifying how such a thing could happen, it's truly hellish how we cannot just choose to free ourselves from this existence in a peaceful, guaranteed way.

 

[migimortis]

I have no fear whatsoever. I've tried to ctb a few times and I didn't fail by trying to get help out of fear. Hell, I wasn't even scared, dying isn't scary to me. Your brain doesn't change or anything to a survival mode like you see in the media, it's just the same.

If I had to describe how I felt on my last attempt? Take how you feel right now and imagine you have to pee really bad. Thats how it feels lol.

That said I'm still alive because lack of resources (until recently), a level of emotional stability, and an understanding that I'm waiting for a certain date before I ctb (this is a big one. When i am having a meltdown I remind myself why I set a date and willpower my way through it).

Did you ever have fear of ctb? If so, how & when did those feelings change? Do you think there's a way to overcome the fear?

And I tried to imagine myself needing to pee, and I ended up going to the toilet lol. I can only imagine you mean you felt desperate to die?

 

[inaminute]

Every time I've tried I've been either rescued or called help due to being an impulsive act - I am mentally ill. I did try once when I lived abroad I drank chloroform but somehow woke up after who knows how long I was out and I was in a liver transplant unit being insanely tubed with a drug to save my liver that made the room stink of rotten eggs. I then ended up in a mental ward and getting diagnosed with BPD

However I have SN now and I'm intent on not getting help or being found I will destroy my phone and take myself somewhere in the mountains

 

[nopointinlivingg]

I fear to fail or to feel pain.

This. I'm the furthest thing from afraid of death. I am a little bit afraid of the physical pain, but mostly afraid of failing and being stuck here, paralyzed or worse, unable to ever attempt escape again.

 

[Abyssal]

Did you ever have fear of ctb? If so, how & when did those feelings change? Do you think there's a way to overcome the fear?

And I tried to imagine myself needing to pee, and I ended up going to the toilet lol. I can only imagine you mean you felt desperate to die?

As a child I guess? I just went for it one day, looking back I think I convinced myself that I wouldn't die? Not sure, I did believe I'd die enough to attempt. Child brain is weird like that.

But basically I went for it and was surprised I felt the same. Every attempt i think that, the level of calmness I experience is enough to shock me a little and stick out in each attempt in my memory. I guess after 8 or so attempts with that experience I know nothing will change. I know what I'm in for and not scared.

And no, I meant need to pee lol. It's funny but it's true lol! Like ah shit I did it…do I have time to piss before I die?

 

[nobody11]

Sure

 

[eLdus]

Yep, I'm afraid that the moment I feel myself dying (stopping breathing, etc) I'll be terrified. I'm basically anxious that I'll be anxious, which is ridiculous. Am hoping very much that benzos will sort that.

 

[migimortis]

As a child I guess? I just went for it one day, looking back I think I convinced myself that I wouldn't die? Not sure, I did believe I'd die enough to attempt. Child brain is weird like that.

But basically I went for it and was surprised I felt the same. Every attempt i think that, the level of calmness I experience is enough to shock me a little and stick out in each attempt in my memory. I guess after 8 or so attempts with that experience I know nothing will change. I know what I'm in for and not scared.

And no, I meant need to pee lol. It's funny but it's true lol! Like ah shit I did it…do I have time to piss before I die?

So basically exposure therapy. After repeated suicide attempts, it's stopped being something you are afraid of. I only plan on attempting once so unfortunately I won't be able to overcome my fear this way.

And now I'm imagining my last words being "do I have time to piss" lol

 

[DrPepper709]

Absolutely not; I already tried to ctb and failed but it was the most peaceful experience of my life

 

[Slow_Farewell]

It's the SI im most afraid of.
Even if i've laid out all the logical steps in my head, ticked every box and dotted every i's and crossed every T.. there's still that SI part thats devious and tries to get me to recall things that would make me cling to life and living.

 

[borderlinee]

I'm afraid of death in general, a couple of months ago I was ready to commit, but now I'm really scared of doing it. I don't know why, I guess it's just strong survival instincts. I'm also mostly scared of failing and ending up a vegetable. I can't even handle passing out, I don't know how I'd deal with the dying process. Plus I'm terrified of pain, it's truly a flesh prison.

 

[migimortis]

I wish there was a way to overcome si other than brute force. I don't even know if drugs can help.

 

[Guy Smiley]

I'm a coward. I don't want to be here anymore but I'm too afraid to commit suicide. I'm afraid of the physical suffering I may have to endure and also potentially failing and having to live with whatever damage I've inflicted to myself. I wallow in self loathing and pity every day, wishing I was dead, but ultimately I do nothing about it because I'm a coward. I'm truly pathetic.

I can only hope that soon the pain of living shall overcome my fear of suicide. Until then, I suffer.

Are you afraid of suicide? Why?

You're not a coward at all. You're just a human being. If you were a coward simply for being too afraid to kill yourself, then something like 99% of suicidal people would be cowards. I'm afraid for many of the same reasons that the vast majority of suicidal people are afraid...fear of death, fear of the unknown, fear of pain, fear of failing, fear of hurting my family, etc.

A little, there's pain, and then sometimes it dawns on me that I simply won't exist anymore. And that fact feels almost incomprehensible. Today I exist, and tomorrow I won't. I often wonder what happens, where I'll go. The idea of complete non-existence is both eerie and comforting.

Funny, just earlier today I was thinking about the non-existence aspect of death. I totally agree that it feels incomprehensible. I mean, how does one even begin to comprehend not existing? And because I can't comprehend it, it feels scary to me. I wish it felt comforting for me, too.

 

[UserHussein]

I'm afraid of the pain or becoming a vegetable.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Afraid of failure.
I fully recovered from my first attempt, and I'm lucky to do so. But living the rest of my life with a brain injury? Paralysis? That would be so much worse then what I'm feeling now.

 

[sorrowful]

Funny, just earlier today I was thinking about the non-existence aspect of death. I totally agree that it feels incomprehensible. I mean, how does one even begin to comprehend not existing? And because I can't comprehend it, it feels scary to me. I wish it felt comforting for me, too.

As a whole, I do think it is more scary to me also rather than comforting. Just the thought of it leads me to feel like my mind will burst. All that puts me slightly at ease is thinking that I will never being hurt again, whether it physically or mentally, if I do not exist I can not be harmed. To exist means inevitably you will suffer in some way, being stripped of a body and conscious means there is no harm.

..Then we get into all of the other theories of the afterlife and it is a huge rabbit hole. Which one is truth? Will I be thrown back into Hell (reincarnated), will I end up in the sky above or down below, or somewhere completely different? A man can only wonder!

 

[bridge-walking]

if i woke up tomorrow with N on my bedside table, id be so happy. im not afraid of it just afraid to get it wrong or be caught in the act. i also really love my family and friends and dont want to hurt them with this because they all think i am doing better now so i dont know what to do. keep suffering or find a way to ctb.

 

[Guy Smiley]

As a whole, I do think it is more scary to me also rather than comforting. Just the thought of it leads me to feel like my mind will burst. All that puts me slightly at ease is thinking that I will never being hurt again, whether it physically or mentally, if I do not exist I can not be harmed. To exist means inevitably you will suffer in some way, being stripped of a body and conscious means there is no harm.

..Then we get into all of the other theories of the afterlife and it is a huge rabbit hole. Which one is truth? Will I be thrown back into Hell (reincarnated), will I end up in the sky above or down below, or somewhere completely different? A man can only wonder!

"To exist means inevitably you will suffer in some way, being stripped of a body and conscious means there is no harm.". That's basically one of the fundamental tenets of Buddhism (I'm not Buddhist but I have read a couple books about it).

I also think about what happens after death. The truth is nobody knows. Since it's impossible to know, I try not to think about it too much. I try to reassure myself by thinking that, whatever happens, it will be the same as it is/was for the billions of other people who, since the beginning of humankind, have died before me.

 

[haibane]

Im not afraid of the idea of dying/killing myself, but failing which can lead to so much trouble is in fact really scary for me

 

[sorrowful]

"To exist means inevitably you will suffer in some way, being stripped of a body and conscious means there is no harm.". That's basically one of the fundamental tenets of Buddhism (I'm not Buddhist but I have read a couple books about it).

I also think about what happens after death. The truth is nobody knows. Since it's impossible to know, I try not to think about it too much. I try to reassure myself by thinking that, whatever happens, it will be the same as it is/was for the billions of other people who, since the beginning of humankind, have died before me.

I'm interested. You've convinced me to go look into Buddhism. Any books that you recommend?

You put that very well, and that's also one of the things I think about. Whatever is going to happen to me, happened to everyone else, and it's something that we have to face CTB or not. Makes you feel less alone.

 

[StrawberrySuicide]

i'm definitely afraid to die, survival instincts i guess

 

[Doemu]

I'm only afraid that suicide is enought to end me. In fact, I have to controll my CTB impulses.

I don't think you are coward, because suicide it's not something it's supposed you have to face in your life, so it's natural humans are not prepared for that.

"I need to suffer more to can CTB" idea, it's very frustrating. Frustrating cause I know it's true, cause I don't wanna you to suffer, cause you had suffer enough but seems never been enough for this world.

Means: I need to be in hell some little more to my soul finally become completely destroyed.

Mate, I really hope you can get better. One way or another.

 

[Gonnerr]

Yes i am , i am program by whoever created this , i cant help it.