Discussion Are we really to blame for our own suicide?

[dogemn]

People always say "suicide is selfish" or that it's somehow your fault but I don't think that's fair, not for everyone at least.
In my case, I grew up with an extremely violent, sadistic, psychopathic father who abused me physically and emotionally my entire life. Because of that I became suicidal and was put on SSRIs at just 11 years old. Almost every bit of my psychological suffering traces back to the trauma he inflicted on me.
So how can I be "to blame" if I eventually decide I can't keep living with the pain he caused? I didn't choose to be abused. I didn't choose to be shaped by that kind of suffering. If not for what he did to me, I genuinely believe I wouldn't be in this position at all.

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

No I believe you are not to blame if you end up taking your life

 

[peewee]

definetely not I think most people here want to ctb because of things that happened to us. I want to ctb because my partner stabbed me in the back and got me kicked out of my community, isolating and traumatizing me. I am also 10 years younger than them. It's no ones fault if they are pushed to want to ctb. It's not selfish, only a selfish person would say its selfish

 

[capi]

one thing that will bug me when i ever die is when people tell my abusers "it was my choice" and that its not their fault.
Yes, people who abuse you are at fault, and you should never blame yourself for attempting, when you truly feel like its the only way out.

 

[MissAbyss]

I'm sorry you had to endure so much suffering.

No, people who usually say that are ignorant, egotistical and self-righteous a-holes. Don't justify yourself to anyone for that matter.

 

[Hibiki]

i'm not really sure i'd think of suicide as something to blame for. it's a tremendously unfortunate circumstance when someone has the desire to end their life and/or goes through with it. so many factors go into it and i don't think it's realistic or practical to try and apply blame to any specific thing or individual.

 

[Jisatsu]

No , although the actions leading to your death is your own....it's not specifically your fault , it's your environment and the psychological effects of the people in your life .

 

[L'appel Du Vide]

I see it as personal fault if your passing is troublesome enough to the world and the suffering in life is bearable. Or perhaps if the problems were resolvable but they were unwilling to put in the time and effort to do things they know they could attempt. But it's understandable to me and I rarely judge on it myself. It's just that not taking any fault would disregard the folks who suffer as badly as anyone could yet still don't kill themselves. Like it is also their fault for forcing themselves to stay alive. If someone is in an unbearable condition to where they are likely to die naturally then I can't imagine them being at fault for it. The reasons why someone would want to die can often not be their fault though, I think that where they distinguish.

 

[Dukey]

It's really not your fault, and I get you, deeply.
If it makes you feel any better, I grew up in a nearly identical situation. My father had antisocial personality disorder. When I was 3, he dangled me over a balcony from the 3rd floor, threatening to drop me if my mother didn't come out and talk to him. He knocked her unconscious several times, even in public places like McDonald's. He kidnapped me more than once, and I spent a lot of time in safe houses.

Most of it I barely remember; I must've dissociated. I was only 6 or 7. He also abused our dogs right in front of me. I could go on, but you get the point. He eventually went to prison when I was 12 and died when I was 16. My mother was an emotional wreck, and on top of all that, I have ADHD.

Now I'm 27, and honestly, I can't remember a time when I wasn't depressed or feeling worthless, no matter how hard I tried: therapy, medication, everything. My childhood messed me up mentally for life, and it's just not fair. I truly believe that if I'd grown up with loving, stable parents and without all that trauma, my life would be completely different. I'd probably be happy, maybe even content.

That's why I don't believe suicide is selfish. People who say that usually haven't experienced real trauma. They think it's just about "changing your mindset," which is such a narrow and shallow way of seeing things. In my opinion, that's what's truly selfish, to look down on someone's pain just because they can't comprehend it.

It's the same with pro-life people. Just because they see life as sacred and they are happy, they think they have the right to force others to keep living in suffering, all while pretending it's something noble or selfless. But in truth, it's selfish and arrogant. They do it to make themselves feel good, to feel like saviors, when in reality, they're just prolonging someone else's pain.

 

[NutOrat]

I see it as personal fault if your passing is troublesome enough to the world and the suffering in life is bearable. Or perhaps if the problems were resolvable but they were unwilling to put in the time and effort to do things they know they could attempt. But it's understandable to me and I rarely judge on it myself. It's just that not taking any fault would disregard the folks who suffer as badly as anyone could yet still don't kill themselves. Like it is also their fault for forcing themselves to stay alive. If someone is in an unbearable condition to where they are likely to die naturally then I can't imagine them being at fault for it. The reasons why someone would want to die can often not be their fault though, I think that where they distinguish.

Or maybe we should blame people less overall? Why is it that there's always someone who should be at fault? I'm so fucking tired of feeling guilty about my thoughts, it's one of the main reasons for my continuous mental decline. Judging and faulting is valid in many situations, but honestly I'm sick of it. Like, does it make people feel more at ease or validated to blame someone for their own suffering? Is it to convince themselves that they're ok and it's not their problem? I think it is to deny a person basic empathy, because well you brought this on yourself, you don't deserve it. No-one is at fault for having to live and wanting to die in this wretched world.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's an interesting idea in itself because it makes the assumption that we have an obligation to stay alive. Why? For whom? Often it is for the sake of parents in particular but- they brought us into this mess! And, as you pointed out- they are sometimes very much part of the cause as to why someone has ideation to begin with. Why should someone stay here in order to be a human punch bag?

And, not only in the case of their abuse. We may be subject to abuse by others, illness, whatever else. Was this a safe environment to bring a child into in the first place? I'd argue- no, it wasn't. You don't throw a person into a lion's pit and expect them to just stay there and get ripped to shreds. They likely will try to escape!

So- shouldn't it be the world that shifts its opinion on what life is, what autonomy and choice really means. What would-be parents should be considering when they bring life here? They ought to be willing to let it leave if its life is intolerable.

As to what is considered intolerable varies from person to person. Obviously, some people's reasons for wanting to go are going to be more obvious and serious than others. Of course, I think suicide needs to be a very well considered decision but, I'm not so keen on the whole belittling- you're reasons aren't good enough spiel. None of us truly know what it's like to be that person.

I also agree with others that blaming people for suicide feels cruel. It does however depend on their circumstances- for me. If they have deliberately brought beings here- children- that depend on them, I think they have then consciously taken on obligations. The rest of us though- we've had a bunch of (unfair) obligations dumped on us.

We're kind of stuck with the emotional responsibility to try not to hurt others now. Which I think- does need deep consideration but- if people truly thought about it- I think they ought to realise that that was by no means fair. To put us in that position to begin with. Is it really fair to blame someone for (debatably) failing something they never agreed to participate in in the first place? Did they have reasonable odds to begin with even? No- most likely. Our parents can only best guessed our odds- if they even bothered to think that far.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me existence is what is so bad instead of ceasing to exist, for me voluntary death would be a positive solution to escape from all future unnecessary suffering in this cruel, torturous existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel, all I want is to be gone, I just want to never suffer again, I'll just always prefer to not exist than be burdened with this existence that just causes harm and suffering, I find it so undesirable to exist in every way.

 

[L'appel Du Vide]

Or maybe we should blame people less overall? Why is it that there's always someone who should be at fault? I'm so fucking tired of feeling guilty about my thoughts, it's one of the main reasons for my continuous mental decline. Judging and faulting is valid in many situations, but honestly I'm sick of it. Like, does it make people feel more at ease or validated to blame someone for their own suffering? Is it to convince themselves that they're ok and it's not their problem? I think it is to deny a person basic empathy, because well you brought this on yourself, you don't deserve it. No-one is at fault for having to live and wanting to die in this wretched world.

I try to compassionately distinguish between blame and fault in the sense that we are not to blame for many of the things that lead people to end themselves. Either because we did not cause or were not adequately equipped to handle it as well. But the point of deciding to end it all to escape is something that we decide for ourselves until it reaches the point where we were going to die anyway. There is at least partial self responsibility for most decisions. For example I don't blame you for reaching your viewpoint or conclusions. It's unfortunate that we don't get more of that acceptance from the rest of society at large, feel you on that one.

I hope you can liberate from that guilt somehow, fellow, it doesn't affect me as much as it once did and it does make part of it easier.

 

[eternalpace]

Are we really to blame? Yes, of course. We're the ones who are ultimately responsible for the methods we use to delete ourselves. Are there things that the world did to contribute to our desires to die? Usually, yes. But at the end of the day, it's ourselves who do the final act of pulling the trigger, jumping, inhaling the gas, swallowing the pills, etc. I plan to hit my own 'reset' button in the near future... and while I certainly blame several individuals for making my life miserable, I take ownership in doing what I'm about to do.

 

[Santana Idaho]

I watched an interview with Tom Hiddleston back in 2010 or so where he said he couldn't imagine feeling suicidal. He couldn't even say the word. Some people just can't imagine feeling this way. They physically cannot empathize. So, for them it's only sane to say it's selfish or that it's unreasonable or that there's so much to look forward to if you just get through this or you're just giving up and taking the easy way out instead of working through your problems. Any reason to make it seem like we're doing something to them.

Queer people like to say that "everybody's bisexual," but there are truly some people who cannot even tell if someone of the same sex/gender is attractive. That's straight.

People will diminish us so thoroughly, it makes sense for them to be contradidctory asf. Simulatneously, "I can't be the reason you live. It's too burdensome." "I can't believe you would leave me. Don't you love me?"

Please!

 

[eccedentesiast]

This is something I think about often, but ultimately I don't believe that we can blame a suicidal individual for ending their own life. I feel like mental health care often fails to consider a person and their circumstances holistically, instead focussing solely on symptoms, and forgetting that an individual's mental ill health can be, in many cases, largely attributed to their past and current experiences.

For people who have never experienced suicidal ideation, I can fully understand how suicide can seem like a selfish choice - should life not be seen as a gift? To them, suicide just seems like an easy way out. Personally, I feel like this is the polar opposite of how I view suicide. For me, suicide is a painful decision to make. It carries intense emotional responsibility, not wanting to leave loved ones hurting, although juxtaposed by the idea that everyone would be better off without me and I cause too much pain for those around me as is. Whilst I accept that the final decision to end my life is mine, that decision is a culmination of things that have happened to me over the course of my life. I have been in mental health services for the past decade, all of which have failed to consider my mental health beyond the scope of the four walls of the therapy rooms. I am not what happened to me, but equally what happened to me has shaped my behaviours and cognitions today, and I believe that it is important my history be considered in order to provide holistic mental health care.

 

[pharma]

No. In my eyes we are going to die eventually, weather from an accident, illness, or old age. I don't think there is a problem in dying in a predictable manner. Humans are social animals and suicide is anti-social. Humans grieve in a unique and communal manner. Grief is painful, and ultimately, there are people who will grieve you when you pass. Those people will also feel anger or resentment towards you. They feel guilty and helpless. Nobody knows what is going on inside the head of a suicidal individual, so when they die they need someone to blame. They call it selfish and claim they never saw the signs-they do this because admitting otherwise will make them feel guilty. Anger is just an easier emotion.