Discussion Are there some phrases you've noticed that help others but hatm you and, vice versa?

[Forever Sleep]

For a friend and I, the phrase was: 'You're making mountains out of molehills'. I would find that phrase really triggering because- I felt like it belittled how I felt and what I was dealing with. For a friend though- they actually welcomed it. It made them feel like maybe they were overeacting and that maybe they didn't need to worry so intensely about this thing.

Do you have experiences like this? Does it make it tricky when they use a phrase that usually reassures them but causes you more stress?

The weirder one is another friend uses a phrase I know full well irritates her. The whole: 'You need to reframe the problem' followed with a bunch of unrealistic platitudes. What's worse is- I also find myself repeating things that I know don't help me.

I think it's because sometimes we feel so desperate to help but we can't so, we just parrot fashion repeat something we've heard. Or- we're being lazy and repeat it- knowing it likely won't help.

 

[Apathy79]

Can be context or personality dependent I guess. I seem to be almost devoid of neuroticism so I think people are making mountains out of molehills all the time. I can think of about 50 examples on this site alone. Things someone thinks are the most important thing in the world and there's no way to live with them, like being half a foot shorter than most people to pluck one out of thin air. Making mountains out of molehills is my thought process and I might even say something to that effect. And they'll fly off the handle. Yet the same advice for most people I know tends to work well. And for personalities like mine, it basically always works. I literally have a sign on my bathroom that says "yours are the worst problems in the entire world!" It makes me smile every morning. Breaks me out of any complaining I might be doing in the moment. Yet if I put that up on the mirror of someone with a different personality, they'd think it was the most condescending disgusting thing they'd ever seen and probably disown me forever.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Can be context or personality dependent I guess. I seem to be almost devoid of neuroticism so I think people are making mountains out of molehills all the time. I can think of about 50 examples on this site alone. Things someone thinks are the most important thing in the world and there's no way to live with them, like being half a foot shorter than most people to pluck one out of thin air. Making mountains out of molehills is my thought process and I might even say something to that effect. And they'll fly off the handle. Yet the same advice for most people I know tends to work well. And for personalities like mine, it basically always works. I literally have a sign on my bathroom that says "yours are the worst problems in the entire world!" It makes me smile every morning. Breaks me out of any complaining I might be doing in the moment. Yet if I put that up on the mirror of someone with a different personality, they'd think it was the most condescending disgusting thing they'd ever seen and probably disown me forever.

I think it hinges on who is saying it too. Like- one of my friends is very go getting. While I might argue that they are more naturally gifted to go out into the world and succeed- I will have more respect for the advice they give me- because I know full well that they take their own advice.

I think part of the problem is people being hypocritical. I've tended to notice that with parents. They'll berate you for not standing up for yourself against a bully or for being overly sensitive over having work criticised. Yet- when the shoe is on the other foot- their foot- I've witnessed them either crumble in reaction to bullies or assertive people. Even as adults. And, they've been really upset when people criticised their work. I feel it's worse when it's parents because- they set us the example to follow. They can't really expect us to take advice that they clearly don't live by themselves. Kind of a: 'You need to be stronger than me and stronger than how I demonstrated.'

It's fairer though- if you live by your own example. That sign does sound pretty funny. Like, you're taking the piss out of yourself. Although, if any of us truly believed it- would we be suicidal?

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

For a friend and I, the phrase was: 'You're making mountains out of molehills'. I would find that phrase really triggering because- I felt like it belittled how I felt and what I was dealing with. For a friend though- they actually welcomed it. It made them feel like maybe they were overeacting and that maybe they didn't need to worry so intensely about this thing.

Do you have experiences like this? Does it make it tricky when they use a phrase that usually reassures them but causes you more stress?

The weirder one is another friend uses a phrase I know full well irritates her. The whole: 'You need to reframe the problem' followed with a bunch of unrealistic platitudes. What's worse is- I also find myself repeating things that I know don't help me.

I think it's because sometimes we feel so desperate to help but we can't so, we just parrot fashion repeat something we've heard. Or- we're being lazy and repeat it- knowing it likely won't help.

Yeah the one that tends to bother me is: "It could always be worse" and "Others do have it worse".

Yeah, I know it could always be worse. That's what is bothering me. It always gets worse.

Maybe I'm being insensitive, but, how is the realization that others have it worse, supposed to make me feel better?

Oh, and the one that just makes me absolutely see stars with anger is: suicide is selfish. I mean, I'm not saying it can't be, but I do find it ironic that the people who say that, are saying it for selfish reasons themselves. I mean, they are expecting the person to sacrifice their own feelings to spare their loved ones of heartache, while simultaneously downplaying and invalidating them. In fact, many people who kill themselves are often thinking of others when they do it. We often think, "They are better off", and/or, "I hurt everyone I love and can't do it any more", etc.

Although, if any of us truly believed it- would we be suicidal?

Yup, there ya go. Absolutely.

 

[Apathy79]

I think it hinges on who is saying it too. Like- one of my friends is very go getting. While I might argue that they are more naturally gifted to go out into the world and succeed- I will have more respect for the advice they give me- because I know full well that they take their own advice.

I think part of the problem is people being hypocritical. I've tended to notice that with parents. They'll berate you for not standing up for yourself against a bully or for being overly sensitive over having work criticised. Yet- when the shoe is on the other foot- their foot- I've witnessed them either crumble in reaction to bullies or assertive people. Even as adults. And, they've been really upset when people criticised their work. I feel it's worse when it's parents because- they set us the example to follow. They can't really expect us to take advice that they clearly don't live by themselves. Kind of a: 'You need to be stronger than me and stronger than how I demonstrated.'

It's fairer though- if you live by your own example. That sign does sound pretty funny. Like, you're taking the piss out of yourself. Although, if any of us truly believed it- would we be suicidal?

Agree 100% about it depending on who is giving the advice, and for the same reason. That's a good point. It probably also helps when we're trying to help. Like if we can't do it ourselves, or don't live the advice we're giving, then why are we giving it?

Yeah the one that tends to bother me is: "It could always be worse" and "Others do have it worse".

Yeah, I know it could always be worse. That's what is bothering me. It always gets worse.

Maybe I'm being insensitive, but, how is the realization that others have it worse, supposed to make me feel better?

This is essentially the whole point of my sign! Good example of the different personalities thing!

The difference is maybe partly I'm usually trying to find a way to recontextualise a life that looks pretty poor on paper as being good by comparing it to people in worse situations. I think its why I watch horror movies or shows like Narcos too. So I can say no matter how bad my day has been, at least it's not that! And the sign kind of reinforces that for me. Exaggerating whatever I'm complaining about to the extreme so that it feels silly. Makes me smile. But not for everyone!

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah the one that tends to bother me is: "It could always be worse" and "Others do have it worse".

Yeah, I know it could always be worse. That's what is bothering me. It always gets worse.

Maybe I'm being insensitive, but, how is the realization that others have it worse, supposed to make me feel better?

Oh, and the one that just makes me absolutely see stars with anger is: suicide is selfish. I mean, I'm not saying it can't be, but I do find it ironic that the people who say that, are saying it for selfish reasons themselves. I mean, they are expecting the person to sacrifice their own feelings to spare their loved ones of heartache, while simultaneously downplaying and invalidating them. In fact, many people who kill themselves are often thinking of others when they do it. We often think, "They are better off", and/or, "I hurt everyone I love and can't do it any more", etc.

I wonder if the 'suicide is selfish' one ever actually helps someone in a positive way even. Maybe it will prevent them doing it by making them feel like a selfish piece of shit but, will that ultimately make them feel better?

I'm also not ensure that enforced gratitude works. As in- be grateful you aren't suffering as much as some other poor sod. I'm always tempted to say that I have enough compassion/ sympathy to feel sorry for them as well as me.

That one does annoy me though. Sometimes it's hearing they had/ have it so much worse. But again- while we can feel sorry to hear that- why would that help us?

It also seems to be used as justification too. My Dad is often keen to tell me that he hated his job too. Like- it's normal. You're supposed to hate 25%+ of your life working. Why would you bring a being here that can probably only debatably enjoy one third or less of it's life when it either isn't being forced to work or asleep? Seems crazy to me.

I think its why I watch horror movies or shows like Narcos too. So I can say no matter how bad my day has been, at least it's not that!

I do this too. Sometimes just to reassure myself that the (more boring) decisions I made- at least kept me out of danger. I end up watching a lot of toxic/ abusive relationship documentaries to make me more grateful that I'm single. Not that all relationships are like that of course. Even Lord of the Rings makes me grateful I'm not on some horrible quest to Mordor. Although, a purpose like that could feel good.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

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[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

Here's another on that has both extremely positive and negative reactions: "Take what you like, and leave the rest"
What if I can't leave the rest? If I get triggered and cop a resentment, I may have trouble even listening to the person, even when they're just trying to help.
I was going back through old posts here in the recovery forums, and I saw some things that helped, and others where I just stopped reading.
And yeah, hypocrisy colors our understanding of intent. Sometimes I just have to say, "FIDO" (Forget It, Drive On)", choice od F-word depending on mood, of course.

I would be willing to accept that phrase, IF the person was also willing to validate my struggle and be at least willing to help me deal with "the rest". If that makes sense.

 

[Pluto]

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I can't stand any of the usual platitudes that are usually spawned when someone talks about their problems and suicidal intentions. Stuff like "your life matters", "you're loved", "I can't put myself in your shoes, but please reconsider it", etc. I know many people find those phrases useful in the moment, they feel seen and their mood slightly improves, but for me they're a huge trigger of anger, because I see how empty, simplistic and insincere they are (and a mere projection of the values/fears of the person who spawns them).