I am now members for 3,5 years. I have met a lot of people on here. Been through a lot of crises. There was a short period at the end of 2020 when I left the forum for a while. But I felt terribly lonely and it was harder to cope with suicidality. When the NYT article dropped I panicked and left the forum for one week. I searched for other places and they SUCK ASS compared to this forum.
My suicidality becomes more concrete and my problems simply do not seem to be solvable. Suicide seems to be inevitable in the longrun. I don't want to post a goodbye thread when my time comes but it is very unclear when I am at the end of the rope and escapism will not be possible anymore. Probably when my mom dies but not sure when that will happen.
There are theories how I could stop posting in this forum: 1. My suicidal thoughts will stop. - That will never happen as long as I live.
2. I find a girlfriend- I think that might work temporarily but not in the longrun. Moreover, it is pretty unlikely.
3. I kill myself. - The most likely scenario.
Another possibility is that I might get banned. There were some respectable members who got banned and I was surprised by it. I never received a warning so far despite the fact I work with the BBC on this new documentation. "A noname within the death cult - a deserter becomes a whistleblower to destroy the evil from within!" Not even when I shamelessly begged to put a paywall in front of my threads these cowards did not give me a warning. Not even when I secretly negotiated with Elon Musk for a better contract to start my new thread show at X they simply looked away. Not even when there was a leak I demanded nudes from Elon Musk so that I post my threads on X, nothing happened. Instead of warning me for my disloyalty they simply increased my wage to 3 nembutal bottles per week. (Damn I would be rich if this was the truth.)
Others have to be drunk or on harder drugs to post bullshit like that. I am so proud of my bipolar brain. Happy Bipolar day everyone (this illness will literally drive me to commit suicide.)
My suicidality becomes more concrete and my problems simply do not seem to be solvable. Suicide seems to be inevitable in the longrun. I don't want to post a goodbye thread when my time comes but it is very unclear when I am at the end of the rope and escapism will not be possible anymore. Probably when my mom dies but not sure when that will happen.
There are theories how I could stop posting in this forum: 1. My suicidal thoughts will stop. - That will never happen as long as I live.
2. I find a girlfriend- I think that might work temporarily but not in the longrun. Moreover, it is pretty unlikely.
3. I kill myself. - The most likely scenario.
Another possibility is that I might get banned. There were some respectable members who got banned and I was surprised by it. I never received a warning so far despite the fact I work with the BBC on this new documentation. "A noname within the death cult - a deserter becomes a whistleblower to destroy the evil from within!" Not even when I shamelessly begged to put a paywall in front of my threads these cowards did not give me a warning. Not even when I secretly negotiated with Elon Musk for a better contract to start my new thread show at X they simply looked away. Not even when there was a leak I demanded nudes from Elon Musk so that I post my threads on X, nothing happened. Instead of warning me for my disloyalty they simply increased my wage to 3 nembutal bottles per week. (Damn I would be rich if this was the truth.)
Others have to be drunk or on harder drugs to post bullshit like that. I am so proud of my bipolar brain. Happy Bipolar day everyone (this illness will literally drive me to commit suicide.)
