i have several days like these. i flip flop between "i want to get my life together, i have things to live for" and "i want to kill myself, life is pointless" all the time.
therhydler
Enlightened
- Dec 7, 2018
- 1,196
i was like that for a really long time. i know how shitty it is
lemmeeleev
Still here
- Nov 29, 2018
- 927
Not really. I either find life completely pointless and want to die, or find life completely pointless and say "fuck everything, none of this matters so I guess I'll just do whatever cause I'll be dead soon anyways"
Severen
Enlightened
- Jun 30, 2018
- 1,819
No because I know what is waiting for me if I don't CTB. It's stalking me like a predator and I'm being backed into a corner...
muretax
Alien
- Nov 13, 2018
- 81
Some days I have more hope than others but I always find myself in bed at night imagining myself attempting to ctb. That's always what it comes down to, still wanting to end it all. I've had a few really good days the past few weeks but it hasn't stopped me from wanting to ctb
I have periods where I go numb, and the need to ctb fades out of sight. I have periods where I allow myself to escape into mental fantasies of the world being completely different (benevolent aliens have arrived to save us all!) that I lose my grasp on the drive to ctb. And I have the conflicts both of disbelieving that things have gotten this bad, and that I want to see what comes next, and in those moments ctb isn't something I want. I don't think they last for days, though. I wish they did.
A word of caution, @ganpres37: do not let yourself feel that ending your life is your only option simply because those of us here feel it so strongly. As supportive as this community is, it can be easy to get caught up in the tide of despair that we all feel. Some of us do decide to not end our lives, or realize that we can't. It isn't common, but it does happen.
This is a pro-choice site, not pro-death, and if you can use the enormous compassion of this community to climb out of the pit and walk away from the bus stop, I urge you to do so.
You can always end your life, but no one has yet figured out how to return from that decision.
yeah, i know. this site has helped me somewhat climb out of my suicidal ideation. this community is such a big help, it shocks me sometimes. some of the nicest people i've met are on this site.
I want to CTB every single moment of me being awake.
Lady black
35 male, central Europe, German speaking
- Oct 22, 2018
- 1,192
There are not such moemnts...
gingerplum
Enlightened
- Nov 5, 2018
- 1,450
That was really relevant and really eloquent.
It is shocking, isn't it? It blew my mind when I first stumbled in here.
Just be aware that most of us here have very strong opinions, and we don't hesitate to express them strongly. A lot of us quite rightly view the world as a place of misery and pain. That doesn't mean you need to share that view. Being uncertain is entirely reasonable.
If you end up deciding to ctb, there's a lot of good knowledge here for how to accomplish it confidently and peacefully. And if you decide to square your shoulders and give life another shot, you'll hear a lot of us cheering for you --even those of us who intend to die.
I suppose what I'm urging is that you not be swayed about whether or not you want to die. That's a decision none of us here should ever, ever try and influence. It is entirely your decision. If you want to involve us in the discussion, that's fine, but don't let us choose your path.
No, its always there. At the moment the want to CTB isnt as strong but its still there. I go back to work tomorrow but im comfortable knowing that i have the SN in the cupboard. I cant say im fully even wanting to give life a chance, im waiting untill my work investigation done, i need that final answer and even if that was to go ok i cant 100% say ill stick around. I still want to CTB the reasons for it havnt changed im just closing the book of one chapter
Angst Filled Fuck Up
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2018
- 2,971
Not days, but there are brief moments in time when I feel as if life isn't too bad. Like as I type this I have a mouth full of m&m's. It's hard to top that feeling. But I know in 10 minutes, I'll put the bag down, be like "ugh I ate too much", get a stomach ache, have more bad shit happen to me all through the day etc.
I don't make life progress anymore, so those fleeting moments of carnal pleasure (that are usually counterproductive/self-sabotaging in nature) are all I have left. And they may briefly outweigh the pain of anything I'm going through, but of course that never lasts, because a person can't eat m&m's 24 hours a day. But I'll be damned if I wouldn't like to try.
I don't make life progress anymore, so those fleeting moments of carnal pleasure (that are usually counterproductive/self-sabotaging in nature) are all I have left. And they may briefly outweigh the pain of anything I'm going through, but of course that never lasts, because a person can't eat m&m's 24 hours a day. But I'll be damned if I wouldn't like to try.
therhydler
Enlightened
- Dec 7, 2018
- 1,196
"fleeting moments of carnal pleasure" - that perfectly sums up all the happiness I get from life. And the agony is still there underneath that pleasure. It's a bit grotesque
Days? Nope, but maybe minutes sometimes. Also I feel like a zombie, feeling so depressed that there isn't concrete thoughts in my mind, what is certain is I don't want to experience life like that, but also too depressed and drained to actually commit suicide. Forever trapped here.
wanttodie
Enlightened
- Apr 19, 2018
- 1,802
i've been there. whatever your situation, i'm sorry you want to ctb and i hope you find peace.
I do and don't at the same time. That's what makes this whole thing suck so much. It's a damn decision that I can't make for good. Constant battle. Do it or not. I yell at myself to do it and then don't.
I gave up thinking about it for a few years, but it's back now bigtime.
I gave up thinking about it for a few years, but it's back now bigtime.
I have some, but something in life inevitably makes it so that I want to ctb. Whenever I think, "life's going well right now," life goes, "lol, not for long."
I tell or think to myself 'I want to die' at least 10 times an hour so no, I don't have days when I'm not preoccupied with ctb.
Retched
I see the chaos in your eyes.
- Oct 8, 2018
- 837
Lunaemoth
Member
- Dec 14, 2018
- 85
I haven't had a day where I don't want to CTB in years. Some days I have moments where I consider what my life would be like if I didn't, but it never goes to a happy place.
I like what people are saying on here about this community. It's so true.everyone here knows what it's like to be in pain, and I think it makes us more compassionate and empathetic, if we can't feel such kindness towards ourselves. I'm very glad I found this community.
I like what people are saying on here about this community. It's so true.everyone here knows what it's like to be in pain, and I think it makes us more compassionate and empathetic, if we can't feel such kindness towards ourselves. I'm very glad I found this community.
Yes, I do have moments when I want to get my life in order rather than kill myself which is why I have been off this forum for awhile, but I can't really figure out how to make my life worthwhile so I'm back to wanting to ctb.
There is not a day that goes past where I don't think about CTB. It's all I'm living for right now. No need for sympathies, but thank you.
It seems I'm reaching a schedule once again, and pretty soon this schedule will change once fucking again.
Epileptic auras dictate what days I want to ctb. Even the smallest, weakest aura will absolutely destroy a day. So far it's two days of wanting to ctb vs four that I don't. That ratio is returning to the old two to three one. I'm trying to get a surgery to fix that. The current plan is ctb even if the surgery requires to keep me on meds.
Epileptic auras dictate what days I want to ctb. Even the smallest, weakest aura will absolutely destroy a day. So far it's two days of wanting to ctb vs four that I don't. That ratio is returning to the old two to three one. I'm trying to get a surgery to fix that. The current plan is ctb even if the surgery requires to keep me on meds.
J Tizzle
Member
- Dec 7, 2018
- 58
I had a day like that today! Well, mostly. It was confusing. I mostly was caught up with work, watching The Simpsons, and organizing Christmas presents. There are still quite a few things in life that will bring me joy, but it's fleeting and getting harder and harder to access that part of my brain. But on days like this, I try to enjoy it and not think about ctb too much.
RedBuns
Member
- Dec 18, 2018
- 48
Yeaterday was my sons 2nd birthday and he had so much fun. Seeing him happy made me happy and ctb wasn't on my mind at all. That is, until i went to bed at night. No matter how "good" of a day i've had, i always go to bed and wake up wanting to die.
15dec
ember in the dark
- Dec 7, 2018
- 1,550
I get moments like that when I almost forget about everything wrong in my life. The thoughts always return though, usually right after whatever made me happy. It's usually one of my friends, when I see him happy, laughing or whatever or if he does something to cheer me up or comfort me, I just think how it'll probably kill him when I ctb and that he'll blame himself. Then I remember I do more harm than good to him and everyone else in my life and I'm back to wanting to ctb.
my mood swing change throughout the day. Mornings and daytime are especially tough for me... at nights I usually feel better and think I can trudge through
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