Venting Are there any other graduate students here that feel like they're drowning?

[Hydrokhoos]

I keep getting told it's just imposter syndrome, and that since I've made it this far I can clearly function in society so I don't need help.

I haven't been able to keep a handle on reality for the past year and a half, especially after being diagnosed with bipolar II. My mom was extremely religious and refused to accept that I had any mental disorders despite showing signs from an early age. As an adult I finally took it upon myself to see a psychiatrist during a particularly bad manic episode and he insisted it was depression, despite how incredibly manic I was. No matter how many times I've told him I've felt depressed before, and when I'm depressed I don't go on 3 mile runs at 2 am or wake my SO up at 5am to climb to the top of a mountain with me to watch the sunrise, he insisted it was depression and put me on SSRI's. This was all while I was applying for grad school and my getting accepted was a miracle, and I nearly got sued because I didn't fulfill the contract I had with the job I had at the time because I was so mentally unstable.

I finally moved away and started seeing a new doctor who actually did psychological evaluations and gave me the bipolar II diagnosis. My state of mania got me through the first half of my first semester in grad school, but I crashed hard and nearly CTB at the end of last semester, when I first joined this forum and ordered SN.

My therapist has been great with helping me deal with the fallout from all the bad things that came out of me crashing last semester (academic probation, an incomplete in one class, not being able to write my thesis which is the biggest thing I need to graduate), but I'm losing all hope. I know it's not because I'm not intelligent enough to keep up, but my mental illnesses keep me from functioning, and it's been so bad I can't even do what is supposed to be my dream job for the past year and a half.

Every time I sit down to work I just think "I should just CTB now." I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I can't see a real future for myself. No one else around me really likes me and it's hard for me to make or keep friends. The only reason I haven't yet is I don't want to hurt my SO. I know so many people struggle with stress and anxiety in my situation, but for me it's more than that. Especially with this economic downturn in the US and all the debt I'm in, I really just feel like it's time for me to give in.

 

[randomz]

What you describe is basically me. I just want to end it now. Although I do believe that we should try more things to feel better in life. For example I am planning a big change in my life - changing jobs, moving towns and so on. I hope things turn out great for you!

 

[Hydrokhoos]

What you describe is basically me. I just want to end it now. Although I do believe that we should try more things to feel better in life. For example I am planning a big change in my life - changing jobs, moving towns and so on. I hope things turn out great for you!

Before going back to school I moved and switched jobs every 3-6 months (normal for my career, they were all inherently temporary), and the right job and right town definitely gave me hope. Going back to school was a big move and "job" change that was supposed to help that, but I still feel helpless and alone here. If I make it through this I hope I can find the right place for me again. When I first joined SS I wrote about one time I gave up on living, and the next job and place I lived in saved my life at the time.

My point being, you definitely hit the nail on the head and thank you for reminding (and reaffirming) me of this. Even though I've been through it so many times it's easy to forget, and easy to wonder if and when I'll find my place. Good luck with your move and job change!

 

[faust]

I know how it feels...
It is the second college I am failing and now I am failing the repeat year.
Generally could not stay at the same job very long. I get depressed and eventually leave the job.
It is bad you got a proper diagnosis so late.
My parents were from communistic era when depression was deemed as laziness so I got to know what was wrong with me when it was not a bipolar already but schizoaffective depressive type, not curable of course.
I know that if you have a bipolar, your interests might change dramatically, so everything that you considered a dream job may become tiring and boring. This is worth to mention. That's a rat race for sure. You may never know what you will like in a year or so.
I respect your decision no matter what it is.
Take care!

 

[gentleflower]

I have not been diagnosed with bipolar, but borderline and my studies to get a PhD forced me to seek out professional help before I actually CTB
People were so surprised that I was even struggling. Most of all my family
"You have achieved so much...other people would be so jealous of all that you have...you are just in a bad mood...smiling more is all you need"
I doubt that they have accepted that I have a mental disorder at all, they went into total denial about it all
They still do not believe that I was/am suicidal
I procrastinated so long on my thesis because every time I sat down, I just thought "why even put any effort? you are not going to be there to see it anyway..."
So, I truly get what you feel.
*hugs and respect* that you are still trying

 

[5:45AM]

I keep getting told it's just imposter syndrome, and that since I've made it this far I can clearly function in society so I don't need help.

This is one of the most awful things that people say. I hope these words have not taken to your heart, and good luck in the path you choose.

 

[Hydrokhoos]

I know how it feels...
It is the second college I am failing and now I am failing the repeat year.
Generally could not stay at the same job very long. I get depressed and eventually leave the job.
It is bad you got a proper diagnosis so late.
My parents were from communistic era when depression was deemed as laziness so I got to know what was wrong with me when it was not a bipolar already but schizoaffective depressive type, not curable of course.
I know that if you have a bipolar, your interests might change dramatically, so everything that you considered a dream job may become tiring and boring. This is worth to mention. That's a rat race for sure. You may never know what you will like in a year or so.
I respect your decision no matter what it is.
Take care!

So first off, I want to say since I've been back on this site I keep seeing your dolphin profile gif and it makes me smile every time.

Also, thank you for this response :) With bipolar it is hard. I used to get panic attacks if I stayed in one place for too long because of how dramatically my interests and passions would change and I could never explain why. I actually used to say I would "expire" after 3 months because that's how long I could go before I lost interest and my coworkers stopped liking me, but it turns out that's just how I would cycle with bipolar. Now I just have to decide if I'm prepared to cope with this for the rest of my life. It sounds like you understand how hard it can be to accept an uncurable mental illness diagnosis.

I have not been diagnosed with bipolar, but borderline and my studies to get a PhD forced me to seek out professional help before I actually CTB
People were so surprised that I was even struggling. Most of all my family
"You have achieved so much...other people would be so jealous of all that you have...you are just in a bad mood...smiling more is all you need"
I doubt that they have accepted that I have a mental disorder at all, they went into total denial about it all
They still do not believe that I was/am suicidal
I procrastinated so long on my thesis because every time I sat down, I just thought "why even put any effort? you are not going to be there to see it anyway..."
So, I truly get what you feel.
*hugs and respect* that you are still trying

It's so encouraging and a relief to be able to hear that someone else feels the same way as me. One thing that kept me from catching the bus is my data is a fucking mess right now (courtesy of using a novel method and confusing the fuck out of my poor yet great volunteers), and I want to put it together in a nice neat report for my fellow researchers before I go. That's part of what kept me from following through at the end of last semester, but also what put me on academic probation. I just kept thinking "as long as I don't put together the data from the pilot study, and I don't write the report and the thesis proposal, then I can't CTB yet because I can't leave everyone in the lurch like that." If I did that then I'd lose my reason to live, because then someone else could pick up the project no problem and my work wouldn't be for nothing and I could "rest in peace."

That was in November and I've made no progress. So now? I don't know why to put in the effort. Other people can put it together. I can't think well enough to do a good job on it anyways.

 

[faust]

So first off, I want to say since I've been back on this site I keep seeing your dolphin profile gif and it makes me smile every time.

Also, thank you for this response :) With bipolar it is hard. I used to get panic attacks if I stayed in one place for too long because of how dramatically my interests and passions would change and I could never explain why. I actually used to say I would "expire" after 3 months because that's how long I could go before I lost interest and my coworkers stopped liking me, but it turns out that's just how I would cycle with bipolar. Now I just have to decide if I'm prepared to cope with this for the rest of my life. It sounds like you understand how hard it can be to accept an uncurable mental illness diagnosis.

Yes, I had bipolar before so I dealt with it without any knowledge it was actually bipolar.
I liked being a bipolar bear more than a polar bear like now. But it was sometimes very annoying thing. During manias I was climbing up the heights I could not handle when I was low. Like I could say I will participate in a concert one day which required a decent preparation, and another day I was thinking "Screw it, I don't want to participate anywhere". Was planning on paper to become extremely productive and in a few days was running low. But the manias disappeared after I did all the great improvements. Since then I was just moving downhill.
And thanks for a dolphin ;)

 

[shevawc]

Well I am a graduate student too. I have almost finished with all the required courses and my thesis is what remains.

I live 9,772 km away from my homeland family and friends, I suffer from OCD, depression and psychosis. My only family here is my girlfriend only that wants to live on her own because she is thinking of breaking up with me.

I don't even give a shit about my Masters right now to be honest. I am struggling coping with life. I don't know if I'll manage to pull through the Masters in the end. I hope I do.

I completely understand what you are saying about what you think when sitting to work. I do the same. I just sit to work and my mind is completely void. I just think that everything is pointles. ,Ceasing to exist would finally stop my mind from being on fire.

 

[Hydrokhoos]

Well I am a graduate student too. I have almost finished with all the required courses and my thesis is what remains.

I live 9,772 km away from my homeland family and friends, I suffer from OCD, depression and psychosis. My only family here is my girlfriend only that wants to live on her own because she is thinking of breaking up with me.

I don't even give a shit about my Masters right now to be honest. I am struggling coping with life. I don't know if I'll manage to pull through the Masters in the end. I hope I do.

I completely understand what you are saying about what you think when sitting to work. I do the same. I just sit to work and my mind is completely void. I just think that everything is pointles. ,Ceasing to exist would finally stop my mind from being on fire.

I'm ~5,000 km away. It's so fucking hard to pick up and change your life like that, I admire you for following through to go to school. I hope you can pull through, and I hope the fire in your head can stop and you can finish everything you've worked towards.

 

[shevawc]

I'm ~5,000 km away. It's so fucking hard to pick up and change your life like that, I admire you for following through to go to school. I hope you can pull through, and I hope the fire in your head can stop and you can finish everything you've worked towards.

Thanks for that.

I did not want to go for a Master's. My girlfriend wanted to go for hers because she really needed it so she could find a proper job. I just followed her to support her and because I really like being around her. Helps me with the fire in my head too. Things have gotten to shit now but that's life right?

 

[Despondent]

I'm graduating high school next year. I haven't graduated yet, but from where I am, you can do high school until you're nineteen. Since I'm born in the summer, I can hold off graduating for another year after this one -- which is what I've done this year also.
I'm sorry that you're going through this :( I know how it feels to sit down and have only one thing on your mind. Very distracting! I've had troubles with going to my classes so the school's made me do one course at a time (especially since I've been a pain in the arse ) . I'm still on my second course and midterms are coming up haha
And that's on having poor concentration and an easily distracted mind