Discussion Are suicide notes for the one leaving or for the living?

[wordsonscreen]

As I write my own pieces, I have discovered that those are two different things. It just feels odd because usually when we write letters, we censor a lot BECAUSE it is a 2 way communication. In this case, I will never receive the response. It is so strange. People usually want their last words to be nice so they are remembered well. But I am not feeling nice haha.. most of us are not.

Writing them for ourselves means revealing the honest brutal truth that will hurt the living. What difference does it make if I am dead? This feels a bit cruel. They cant help me anymore. Is this selfish? My reality WILL hurt people.

Writing for others means comfortable to digest notes that will make it easier for them to go on? But they will never know the full truth and I will never have spoken my reality. This feels like doing "good" and helping the ones who are still alive and taking everything to the grave with me.


Here is what I mean.
trigger warning

One specific small example of eating-

For the living-
I can no longer eat, I am struggling with food. It is too painful for me to live in my body. I have very severe PTSD and, despite treatment and support, I cannot go on. My life is beyond what I can bear. Please trust me and accept this, for your own sake.

For me-
I can no longer eat because I cannot bear anything touching me. After having been repeatedly assaulted by my partner I loved and trusted, I hate anything touching my lips because I still smell him. Eating LITERALLY brings me back to him raping my mouth. I cry every time I eat or drink. It has been over 5 months of this NON STOP. My therapist has had to bring up a fucking feeding tube because I have lost a dangerous amount of weight- I woke up on the floor of my kitchen one day after not having eaten for days in a row. None of my clothes fit me- everything is too loose. I cannot tolerate living this way. I need to rest- I deserve peace. I never want anyone to touch me. Many of you failed me- many of you disappeared when I told you I was assaulted. I have been quite alone during one of the most difficult times of my life. I want to leave and I need my body to be with the earth.

Do you feel the difference?

 

[Aloken]

I'm struggling with my note to my favorite person for that reason. I feel I'm trying to express my feelings with a nice way. But I'm afraid I have to avoid talking about something that has deeply hurt me, because if I express how much it hurt me, I'm afraid he will attempt suicide. I love him so I'm trying to be as loving as possible while still expressing some stuff that I feel I cannot not express. I feel I have a right to do it, since those will be my last words to him. I'm dying for ***** sake..

So I vote: both

 

[wordsonscreen]

I'm struggling with my note to my favorite person for that reason. I feel I'm trying to express my feelings with a nice way. But I'm afraid I have to avoid talking about something that has deeply hurt me, because if I express how much it hurt me, I'm afraid he will attempt suicide. I love him so I'm trying to be as loving as possible while still expressing some stuff that I feel I cannot not express. I feel I have a right to do it, since those will be my last words to him. I'm dying for ***** sake..

So I vote: both

Thank you for sharing. And I agree- you do deserve to get to share! The choice lies between honesty vs protecting others. I wonder how to do both effectively.

 

[Spiral]

It is for both parties. It would be unfair to leave no explanation for our departure but also we need to speak our truth. Also I believe it's important that people know the truth about why people Ctb so they can't just pass us off as unstable and impulsive. They need to know you were not taken by a sudden moment of irrational madness and that you Ctb for a legitimate reason <3

 

[wordsonscreen]

It is for both parties. It would be unfair to leave no explanation for our departure but also we need to speak our truth. Also I believe it's important that people know the truth about why people Ctb so they can't just pass us off as unstable and impulsive. They need to know you were not taken by a sudden moment of irrational madness and that you Ctb for a legitimate reason <3

I agree, I feel the same way. We all have valid reasons. I hate the narrative that we are impulsive- nah man haha.. def thought about this. I guess our honesty can change the narrative around suicide.

 

[signifying nothing]

Anything we write or speak or communicate is a message both to those others we're trying to communicate with and back to ourselves.

 

[Makko]

I think people write notes to bring closure for themselves. It's a part of coming to peace with your decision and putting into words the essence of it, so that you can look at it and feel that what you're doing is right. To other people, the note will just be a novelty, no matter the contents. I'm not sure if you've noticed from all the suicide stories, but the most common and natural reaction of those left behind is to distrust or even discredit every word of the note.

 

[Spiral]

I agree, I feel the same way. We all have valid reasons. I hate the narrative that we are impulsive- nah man haha.. def thought about this. I guess our honesty can change the narrative around suicide.

That is my hope also, that if enough of us are honest about why we Ctb it might have an affect on the services available to help people before they reach the point of Ctb and also it may help people to empathise with people who choose to Ctb and eventually lead to peaceful methods being made available for everyone who wants a way out

 

[ana]

I think it can go both ways. Every time I think about killing myself, I have this urge to say my final goodbyes to the ones that are closest to me. Last time I planned to do it, I sent a specific message to a specific person in order to get some closure for myself. But after I am gone, I don't feel like wanting to leave my loved ones completely in the dark, so they can get some closure themselves.

But maybe I am just too soft.

 

[Aloken]

Thank you for sharing. And I agree- you do deserve to get to share! The choice lies between honesty vs protecting others. I wonder how to do both effectively.

I'm afraid one side must have more weight on it. It's a compromise, sometimes you cannot say some stuff if you want to protect the reader. Your actions have consequences and I HATE what shrinks say "they didn't hurt you, you chose to get hurt". Oh, alright, so when a killer killed my family, they didn't hurt me, I was choosing to get hurt, I could dance around happily (this is merely an example, my family is well). There isn't really a choice, right? Like, you can't expect people not to get sad if you kill yourself and you were loved. So yeah, your actions have consequences, like your death, so we have to face them. I'm sorry if I come off angry, I just hate shrinks. I know there are good ones out there, but I have a problem with a shrink right now and please allow me to be angry at all shrinks. I HATE when they say stuff about choices. **** off.

 

[NodusTollens]

Both:
Initially I thought it would be an opportunity for the person leaving to say their final words: explain themselves, express feelings (love, gratitude, anger, etc.) and share their wishes. But, thinking about the impact of CTB on family/friends, I realize the note offers an invaluable glimpse into their loved one's mind & to some degree closure.

 

[foxdie]

If I were to be pendantic I would say notes are only for the living because the dead are dead. But I do greatly understand the desire to mitigate harm from your death, especially with suicide so I voted the explain myself option.

I think the most simple answer yet may also be a bit of a dodge is that it's for both. But it's difficult to say. I'm trying to think how I would react to a note from someone I loved. I don't think there could ever be anything in it that would truly console me. It may bring some semblance of understanding but my heart will still be shattered. And if I contributed to their demise I feel I would deserve any anger they harboured towards me in any potential note. But ultimately, the note, if you leave one, is for you in the sense that it is your final communication on this nightmare rock. Yes, those left behind will have to deal with the aftermath but I feel if you're on this path you should be as honest as you want or feel comfortable with. You only die once and an overwhelming majority of people never get to leave a final word. It's for both but I think the most important aspect is for yourself as it is one of your final acts.

 

[wordsonscreen]

If I were to be pendantic I would say notes are only for the living because the dead are dead. But I do greatly understand the desire to mitigate harm from your death, especially with suicide so I voted the explain myself option.

I think the most simple answer yet may also be a bit of a dodge is that it's for both. But it's difficult to say. I'm trying to think how I would react to a note from someone I loved. I don't think there could ever be anything in it that would truly console me. It may bring some semblance of understanding but my heart will still be shattered. And if I contributed to their demise I feel I would deserve any anger they harboured towards me in any potential note. But ultimately, the note, if you leave one, is for you in the sense that it is your final communication on this nightmare rock. Yes, those left behind will have to deal with the aftermath but I feel if you're on this path you should be as honest as you want or feel comfortable with. You only die once and an overwhelming majority of people never get to leave a final word. It's for both but I think the most important aspect is for yourself as it is one of your final acts.

Thank you. I appreciate this perspective.

 

[imsorrythatimhere]

It depends, but personally for both. I give some sort of answer to my family and the people around me, while also having the peace of mind of being able to say goodbye and having all my thoughts in one place

 

[color_me_gone]

I voted both, because I feel it depends on who you are writing to.
If it is one of the people who made your life miserable, or betrayed, abandoned you, then I would say it is for you, rant, get it all out.
If it is for a person you love, and you know they love you, I would write it for them. You need to let them know it is not their fault.

 

[wordsonscreen]

If it is one of the people who made your life miserable, or betrayed, abandoned you, then I would say it is for you, rant, get it all out.

This is okay to do? I can do this???

 

[color_me_gone]

This is okay to do? I can do this???

I could do it, but you would have to decide for yourself.

 

[wordsonscreen]

I could do it, but you would have to decide for yourself.

Would you feel guilt? Can you share your perspective more?

I think I am too worried about how people will see me.. but I will not be there anymore. I need to only think present tense and not future- because I will not be a part of that future. I guess I just don't want to offend people and have them disbelieve me and not be around to defend myself. idk. BUT I do want to speak my truth. Some people have been real shit.

 

[color_me_gone]

Would you feel guilt? Can you share your perspective more?

I am just retiring to bed. I'll get back to you tomorrow, promise.

 

[color_me_gone]

Would you feel guilt? Can you share your perspective more?

I guess I just don't want to offend people and have them disbelieve me and not be around to defend myself. idk.

Do you plan, or have a way to address different people with different notes?
That way, you could have one for those who abused you, and another for the people you love and love you.
You probably don't want to reveal the gory details to the people you love, and don't want to vent to them.
For the people who abused you, you can let it all hang out. I would not worry about offending the people who abused me, they deserve it.
I know it is difficult to get different notes to different people.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Do you plan, or have a way to address different people with different notes?

Hello :) you kept your promise :) YES! I have a big public note and several general ones.

That way, you could have one for those who abused you, and another for the people you love and love you.
You probably don't want to reveal the gory details to the people you love, and don't want to vent to them.

Exactly! okay, this sounds good.

For the people who abused you, you can let it all hang out. I would not worry about offending the people who abused me, they deserve it.
I know it is difficult to get different notes to different people.

It is so much fucking work- jesus. But you're right I think this approach will work for me.

 

[color_me_gone]

It is so much fucking work

Yes, I agree!
Especially so that if things go wrong, your plan is not revealed.
Especially difficult when multiple notes are involved.
My goes out to you!

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I would say it's for the living if you were on good terms with them. If you were on bad terms with whoever you're writing your suicide note to then I'd say it's for yourself.

 

[wordsonscreen]

I would say it's for the living if you were on good terms with them. If you were on bad terms with whoever you're writing your suicide note to then I'd say it's for yourself.

This is good!! Yes yes yes.

 

[Natty]

Interesting reads here.

Personally my notes are specifically to prevent people on my life who didn't help from using me to martyr themselves.

I've bent over backwards to change my life and the few people I have trusted have just sort of sat there and watched me drown. I need to make sure that they can't use me or my death for sympathy, so in that sense, my writings and notes are for the living.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Interesting reads here.

Right?!

Personally my notes are specifically to prevent people on my life who didn't help from using me to martyr themselves.

whoa... same! this shit happens to me a lot during my life and it will happen when I am gone.

I've bent over backwards to change my life and the few people I have trusted have just sort of sat there and watched me drown. I need to make sure that they can't use me or my death for sympathy, so in that sense, my writings and notes are for the living.

YES. This actually resonates a lot. I've worked really hard and people around me have been watching me drown, really. What type of things are your notes touching on? No pressure to share <3

 

[Sprite_Geist]

They can be for one of those reasons or both.

A person who is suicidal may want to explain why they took their own life; they might talk about the pain they were going through or what lead them down that path, and they may also talk about how they were struggling to hold on, et cetera. In this instance the note would be considered aimed toward the "suicidee" themselves.

On the other end: a suicide note might also be written to give closure to others; since they might not have had the chance to do that while they were alive. It is a final, posthumous goodbye basically.

 

[ixkitty]

So I had to sit here and think about it.. for me, I see it as a clarifying statement. "This is why I'm leaving" People can see it as a final goodbye or a reason why this act has happened. People like having closure. It helps them rationalize it in their mind. It can be seen as benefiting both and I'd probably declare it does count on both sides. I don't think I'll ever be truly honest to say why I CTB when it happens. Mine would most likely be a bunch of apologies as to why I failed to live up to the standards of X or Y.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Depends on the note, right? I guess it comes down to semantics and shit.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Depends on the note, right? I guess it comes down to semantics and shit.

content too