Are others in denial about how bad your condition is?

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Nobody (except one person) seems to accept the reality of my circumstances. Everyone that I come across tosses out the same milquetoast platitudes about how there is hope, and their aunt's husband's boyfriend's first cousin was suicidal once upon a time only for a wonderful life to fall into their lap shortly afterwards.

For me, this isn't reality. There is no hope. It will not get better. In fact, it will probably get a lot worse. I'm sure many people here with chronic pain and illnesses are also tired of hearing the same things from people who think they have good intentions, but are actually perniciously harming you by believing in optimistic, saccharine delusions that simply aren't true.

I have been in pain everyday for years. The pain isn't going away anytime soon- I'll likely have to live with it the rest of my life, and since I'm in my early twenties, that's a long ass time. I don't want to live like this. Yet, nobody can fathom why I would not want to experience this beautiful life full of utter torture and pain.

It feels like people are wearing blinders that make them deluded to the sad, bitter truth, which is that a life like mine isn't worth living personally. To try and stop me from freeing myself from this pain, people will say the most nonsensical things as a result of their belief that ctb can never be a choice.

My boyfriend is in full blown denial about how bad my illnesses are. He is well aware that my conditions are what drive me to suicide, and so he is living in fantasy land and now believes I don't know what's wrong with me and I secretly must have something that can be cured.

I will now have to put myself through more stress, more mistreatment from doctors, and more flashbacks because he trusts the system more than me. There is no other disease except CFS that has all the same symptoms as mine and would not show up in serology tests, but obviously, I know nothing about what I suffer from, right?

I have had so many fucking blood test already, an MRI, have seen several doctors and taken over 20 medications and now I have to repeat this whole process because most people refuse to accept how bad my pain is or the fact that no one knows exactly what causes it, so doctors were doing more harm than good.

For years I have been abused and mistreated by doctors who lied to me and treated me like I was crazy, I have so much trauma from what they've done to me, I can't forget being pinned down, things done to me without consent, and now I have to relive my worst memories over and over again because I am being forced to go back to the same hand that bit me.

I cannot even begin to describe how infuriating it is when people think they know my pain better than I do. I may be disabled, but I'm not stupid. I take the same classes at uni that the medics take up until I start having targeted specialisation, and I constantly scour through research papers and do data analysis, yet the people around me love to appeal to authority and act like I know nothing because I am not a doctor.

If I had not stood up for myself and said no to these bloody doctors they would have killed me with the medication combos I was on, medications that had a black box warning not to mix. They laughed at my pain and thought it was hilarious that I was shaking all over.

The new NICE guidelines have mandated that people like me with unexplained chronic pain or catchall diagnoses like Fibromyalgia will not be allowed pain medication anymore after a certain date. You will get prescribed antidepressants and therapy instead, and advised to exercise.

I would love to exercise, if I wasn't permanently exhausted and it didn't make me feel even worse! I'd love to try antidepressants if I hadn't already taken every single one that's approved by the NHS with the exception of MAOIs, which are pretty much banned! I'd love to try therapy if I hadn't already wasted over 10 years with it and had to deal with harmful modalities that made me feel disgusted for being traumatized and tried to tell me that my physical pain was all in my head!

Those who do not suffer seem completely incapable of understanding how severe our torment is. I understand that one gains empathy from experience, but they don't even make an effort. The health "care" industry is more like the "how can we avoid liability rather than help you" industry. All people want to do is keep you alive rather than attempt to ease any of your suffering.

If you've ever seen the anime Monster or read the manga, there is a very poignant quote from Johan Liebert that has always stuck out to me. "The only thing humans are equal in, is death." In our absurd spectacle of a world, others love to pretend as if we all have an equal, fighting chance in recovering from whatever plagues us, subsequently finding enjoyment in life. They believe everyone can be content, if not happy. The assumptions one must make to come to such a conclusion are devoid of rationality and reason. The only thing we are guaranteed in this life is mortality.

There are some of us who have been dealt a truly horrible hand, and the deck will never shift in our favor. While we can acknowledge this fate, as somber as it is, some people would rather live in delusions of grandeur and believe every problem has a solution. If your situation is hopeless beyond belief, how can you not get angry at this attitude?

 

[Lucien]

If you've ever seen the anime Monster

Only anime I ever watched past three episodes.

I have had so many fucking blood test already, an MRI, have seen several doctors and taken over 20 medications and now I have to repeat this whole process because most people refuse to accept how bad my pain is or the fact that no one knows exactly what causes it, so doctors were doing more harm than good.

Just read an article yesterday that some people are put on waiting lists for 4 years before mental health treatment through the NHS. With COVID things are bound to get worse. It sounds unreal.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I rarely mention my ailments to anyone because I've learned to internalize my problems but I'm also aware that it's pointless because nobody cares anyways. The few times I've brought up my Fibromyalgia or being disabled from being traumatized has never been taken seriously even though it has destroyed my entire life. I remember going to a disability assessment where my problems were essentially considered a joke by the doctors as they were simply marking off a checklist for visible physical problems. None of them cared whatsoever and they didn't know about anything I was talking about related to my cognitive & emotional problems from being traumatized. It wouldn't surprise me if they thought being depersonalized was some kind of fancy candy bar.

People have always just assumed that I should be fully functional and have watched me rot for decades without a care. They automatically seem to think you're either lying or that it's not so bad if your disability isn't visible to the human eye. Just get a hobby, exercise, you aren't disabled, etc.

I also hate success stories as you mentioned about someones cousin's son's aunt's friend who magically cured themselves of their generic first world problems without even understanding how severe mine are. I remember my very first therapist mentioning how he got over his anger problems and alcoholism as if to somehow inspire me to try harder or whatever naively optimistic bullshit.

 

[WornOutLife]

"Hope", that thing normal individuals think it's easy to get no matter your circumstances.
Sometimes, unfortunately, there's no hope.
Otherwise, we wouldn't want to go "against the system" and ctb.
Suffering hurts and no one wants to live a life in agony.
I hope normies can grasp this idea one day.

 

[signifying nothing]

Recently when I read your posts about how things are for you I start to feel some of the frustration and anger you must be feeling. So, I'm going to write your name on a piece of paper and meditate on/ponder your situation further. I hope this is ok with you. It'll help me to not think about my own problems for a while too.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Recently when I read your posts about how things are for you I start to feel some of the frustration and anger you must be feeling. So, I'm going to write your name on a piece of paper and meditate on/ponder your situation further. I hope this is ok with you. It'll help me to not think about my own problems for a while too.

That is very kind and sweet of you, I hope that it can bring you some catharsis and relief from your suffering as well. Always wanted to meditate but even with training I wasn't able to accomplish anything due to ptsd, it's all water under the bridge now though.

Only anime I ever watched past three episodes.

Just read an article yesterday that some people are put on waiting lists for 4 years before mental health treatment through the NHS. With COVID things are bound to get worse. It sounds unreal.

Monster is really amazing, I have to thank @ecmnesia for bringing it to my attention.

The NHS situation is quite bad. You will often get referred to local charities instead if it is a mental health concern, and those people don't have the capacity or resources to deal with these problems either. Many of the charities near me outright turn you down if you're suicidal, because they don't want liability or bad press.

When people die of ctb here and had contact with the local mental health services and NHS trusts, the NHS always gets held accountable for not trying hard enough to restrain them from suicide/not involuntarily sectioning them.

Quite myopic to pin the blame on not using enough force, when the lack of accessibility and lack of quality services is clearly the problem. For me there is pretty much nothing else I could try for ptsd that isn't experimental, yet I would still get cycled on the same antidepressants and therapies if I went back to the mental health system, which unfortunately I will be forced to interact with again when I talk about my physical pain.

The waiting lists are ridiculously long to the point where I know several people who pay over a thousand pounds a year for private doctors and prescriptions, because getting what they needed from the NHS would take years. You're right, COVID has just crippled an already strapped system even further.

 

[Symbiote]

Society treats us all like hypochondriacs or attention-seekers until the after the deed is done and then we're labeled as suicidal or depressed. My family always tells me I'm normal, act normal, be normal, and that my depression is me being dramatic or acting out. Going as far as blaming me for not taking responsibility for myself. But I am, it's my head that is the problem. My mind does what my mind wants and I can't control it. But they say I keep on using my head as a crutch for all my problems. By that time I'm fuming mad because they're confusing the shit out of me while telling me to stop acting around and being dramatic because they don't fucking understand. Neither of them have taken a health class or been in therapy yet they deem themselves as professors of life?

It's these back and forth shit that made me finally STFU and just keep it all inside because if I let it out, then I just get blamed again for something outside of my control even though I try my best to control it. No one will understand you, except you. NO ONE. Even if others say they do, they're LIARS! Welcome to Earth!

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Sorry, my last message that I deleted was intended for a different thread, I have several tabs open. What I meant to post here is that I'm sorry for the medical abuse you endured. That's disgusting and you deserved so much better.

Your post really resonated with me. I have had many issues with the health conglomerate over the years and the number of incompetent, harmful and even downright malicious clinicians I have encountered is alarming. At best, the healthcare system is extremely limited and leaves everything to the last minute or brushes people off. At worst, they can be abusive.

I am sorry people don't understand your circumstances and try to deny your reality. I have a lifelong disability, chronic illnesses and mental illnesses on too of that and completely relate to what you mean when you say that you know it won't get better. It's completely understandable to not look forward to a life filled with further deterioration and pain. Death with dignity, love and understanding should be a human right. It's not fair to subject people to further tests and force them to string their lives out as they suffer - it's cruel.

Many places take the stance that the optimum way to live is to survive for as long as possible until we die from illness, accident or murder. I couldn't disagree with this inhumane approach more. They treat us as insane, but what's truly senseless is forcing people to live a life of suffering, and remove the means for individuals to die quickly and peacefully on their own terms. That is what's insane.

If it's not possible for you to lead a better life, you deserve to have access to a peaceful passing. Your anger is justified.

 

[Fragile]

Amazing post, as always. And I really relate to it.

My family is in complete denial, probably not about my condition itself, but about my prognosis and my chances at recovering, which are literally non existent for this condition in particular.

And as for the medical system and dismissive doctors... I'd rather not even get into it, this was the hardest battle that I've fought, lost and now It just bring my mood 6ft under just by thinking about that bullshit. I'd rather rot than to have to speak to one of these incompetents even one more time.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

Yes, both of my parents deny that I'm so ill. They think that I'm faking it or something, which makes no sense! Why would I fake this hell when all I want is my old life back?! They act as if I'm just crazy lazy and it's all in my head when I actually have severe neurological damage and debilitating CFS. why would I voluntary go from super happy healthy and active to bedridden, sick, and suicidal?! I'm clearly injured yet they refuse to accept it

 

[noname223]

I've explained my dad my situation a thousand times why i cannot work, why i have strong suicidal thoughts and he just does not take it serious. Sometimes i am wondering about his optimism. But more often I am just angry about his ignorance.
He will be the one who says noone could have expected my ctb. I litrally told him this. He is so fucking stupid. My parents abused me as a child. With those parents you do not have any chance of a good life.

 

[the_final_countdown]

Getting over physical health problems isn't a matter of willpower.

Everyone has a breaking point.

I wouldn't want to live like Stephen Hawking for example. Don't know how he managed it to be honest. It boggles my mind.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

it is known by all how fucking crazy i am. it is also well documented. my death will surprise no one

 

[loopylou]

Yes 100%

 

[LONE WOLF.]

No denial here, l know that I'm Nuttier than a squirrel with a serious nut addition and that l'm going to eat a 9mm bullet from a M1911A1 3-months after my Dog dies! Simples:-)

 

[loopylou]

I rarely mention my ailments to anyone because I've learned to internalize my problems but I'm also aware that it's pointless because nobody cares anyways. The few times I've brought up my Fibromyalgia or being disabled from being traumatized has never been taken seriously even though it has destroyed my entire life. I remember going to a disability assessment where my problems were essentially considered a joke by the doctors as they were simply marking off a checklist for visible physical problems. None of them cared whatsoever and they didn't know about anything I was talking about related to my cognitive & emotional problems from being traumatized. It wouldn't surprise me if they thought being depersonalized was some kind of fancy candy bar.

People have always just assumed that I should be fully functional and have watched me rot for decades without a care. They automatically seem to think you're either lying or that it's not so bad if your disability isn't visible to the human eye. Just get a hobby, exercise, you aren't disabled, etc.

I also hate success stories as you mentioned about someones cousin's son's aunt's friend who magically cured themselves of their generic first world problems without even understanding how severe mine are. I remember my very first therapist mentioning how he got over his anger problems and alcoholism as if to somehow inspire me to try harder or whatever naively optimistic bullshit.

I have had fibromyalgia symptoms for 6 years and my bloody gp still won't diagnose me. I got refer to a Skelton specialist as I have life altering neck pain. I have had a x ray of it. Normal. My whole doctors history is of unexplained pain. They give me pregabalin without a diagnosis so I can't claim disability. It sucks people just write off as a hyperchondriac

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I have had fibromyalgia symptoms for 6 years and my bloody gp still won't diagnose me. I got refer to a Skelton specialist as I have life altering neck pain. I have had a x ray of it. Normal. My whole doctors history is of unexplained pain. They give me pregabalin without a diagnosis so I can't claim disability. It sucks people just write off as a hyperchondriac

It's a diagnosis of exclusion which makes it a joke among the medical community. They don't take Fibromyalgia seriously even in the disability office as there's no real way to test for it and people don't think you're in pain if you aren't screaming or it's not visible.

 

[loopylou]

It's a diagnosis of exclusion which makes it a joke among the medical community. They don't take Fibromyalgia seriously even in the disability office as there's no real way to test for it and people don't think you're in pain if you aren't screaming or it's not visible.

Mines pretty visible even with medicines. But if I exert myself such as mow the lawn or paint a wall I might as well write off the next few days following as a loss. It's so frustrating people around us thinking it's exaggerating it. It's no life is it

 

[lostundead]

Same situation here, my mother lives in an alternative reality where unless I do every test in the book I dont actually have (uncurable, untreatable) ME/CFS. You would have to defy all laws of common sense to say that I dont have this illness. But now I will be forced to go to doctors and do their stupid tests,that I am too ill too do, because I need financial aid...SN cant get here soon enough

Their ignorance is a blessing to them but a nightmare to us.

 

[popcorn]

my fam deny my diagnosis and blame me for all the issues in my life despite of reports from many different professionals. it frustrates me to the point of rage sometimes the shit they say.

turning the other cheek is impossible on occasion and that bothers me more