Help Are my final wishes too selfish?

[dweams]

I want to write down my final wishes and have them found next to my body when I die. But I think what I wrote might be a little selfish:

• Please do not hold a funeral or any gathering of any kind.
• Do not put embalming chemicals in my body.
• Cremate my body.
• Take my ashes and place them in the trash. Let the garbage truck take it away as usual.

I never really liked social gatherings. I want to keep the cost of my death as low as possible. I essentially just want to be forgotten.

What do you guys think?

 

[Kurwenal]

I have long maintained that funerals are not held for the dead. Funerals are held for the living.

I fully understand not wanting your death to be a financial burden on others, and I myself hate the idea of people gathering to talk about their memories of me. But I know, realistically, that my death will hurt some people. And I believe that having a way to express their grief may help them.

I want to be forgotten. But I recognize that it's not as easy as that. If you believe that you have someone in your life who will be saddened by your death, I imagine you would want to lessen their pain. While reducing the financial strains put on by a funeral may be one way of doing so, I think that letting them have an outlet for their grief is best.

I won't say I think you're being selfish. I ultimately want the same result as you, but I don't think it's realistic to expect it of others. I would love to be forgotten, because that would mean not only that the bad I have brought into this world would be lost to time, but also the pain I cause with my death will be negated. But I know that it doesn't work that way, sadly.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

It's your funeral and your body so people should respect your wishes

 

[dweams]

I have long maintained that funerals are not held for the dead. Funerals are held for the living.

I fully understand not wanting your death to be a financial burden on others, and I myself hate the idea of people gathering to talk about their memories of me. But I know, realistically, that my death will hurt some people. And I believe that having a way to express their grief may help them.

I want to be forgotten. But I recognize that it's not as easy as that. If you believe that you have someone in your life who will be saddened by your death, I imagine you would want to lessen their pain. While reducing the financial strains put on by a funeral may be one way of doing so, I think that letting them have an outlet for their grief is best.

I won't say I think you're being selfish. I ultimately want the same result as you, but I don't think it's realistic to expect it of others. I would love to be forgotten, because that would mean not only that the bad I have brought into this world would be lost to time, but also the pain I cause with my death will be negated. But I know that it doesn't work that way, sadly.

I guess a small gathering would be ok. I kinda want my older brother and my dad to work out their differences anyway. So, maybe my death would encourage them to be in the same room and leave their arguing in the past.

I'll think about this more. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[Floppa]

weird, i personally do not really care about what happens to my remains, although my plan does involve moving far away from any civilization and do it there so that no poor soul has to discover the gruesome sight. Have been eyeing a nice spot in the woods, it's very far away from the nearest bus stop, surrounded by swamps and hard to access, never seen anyone tread there.

 

[Fall_Apart]

No, it's not selfish at all. I want the same things too. I'd simply like to be disintegrated as if I'd never existed.

 

[Dejected 55]

Not selfish, but I'm not sure if it is legal to throw away human remains, even ashes. I could be wrong, and certainly someone could do it and not get caught... I just honestly don't know. Like all the stories about people wanting ashes spread... but I don't know if that is truly legal either.

 

[TBONTB]

I want to write down my final wishes and have them found next to my body when I die. But I think what I wrote might be a little selfish:

• Please do not hold a funeral or any gathering of any kind.
• Do not put embalming chemicals in my body.
• Cremate my body.
• Take my ashes and place them in the trash. Let the garbage truck take it away as usual.

I never really liked social gatherings. I want to keep the cost of my death as low as possible. I essentially just want to be forgotten.

What do you guys think?

Personally I feel like those of us who CTB are going to put a big burden on loved ones. We shouldn't give them an additional burden by giving them a list of requests for when we're gone. So I think it's fine to say something simple lie, I don't want to make a fuss. But I wouldn't be too specific and let them do more of what works for them

And agreed, no human remains in the garbage.

 

[dweams]

Not selfish, but I'm not sure if it is legal to throw away human remains, even ashes. I could be wrong, and certainly someone could do it and not get caught... I just honestly don't know. Like all the stories about people wanting ashes spread... but I don't know if that is truly legal either.

And agreed, no human remains in the garbage.

I've looked into it. At least in my area, there's nothing legally stopping you. But after thinking about it some more, I'm starting to doubt that my family would actually follow through with this request.

So instead, I'm probably just gonna write, "Do not take my ashes. Let the crematory dispose of them." Crematories in my area do dispose of unclaimed ashes, but they're required by law to keep records of where they spread each person's ashes. It's a compromise I guess. My family would probably be more willing to do this.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You could prepay for a direct cremation- which would more likely ensure your wishes are followed. They're very expensive though. Not so sure they'd dump your ashes in the rubbish though. They have gardens I believe where they spread them if requested.

I'm considering that- if I can hold on for my Dad to go first. After that, there's only really estranged family and distant friends left. I don't want them burdened with the hassle of attending some dry service 100's of miles away. I doubt many would even attend anyway so, it seems pointless.

But yeah- the cost to prepay is pretty steep. I may ask my solicitor to organise a direct cremation as it happens instead.

Regarding the selfishness of the act, I don't know really. I think we often want this kind of thing because we were wronged or shunned by our families. We may altruistically want to save them money too of course. I think some people hate the idea of relatives putting on some lavish funeral and emphasizing how much they cared when- that may not have been how they acted during that person's life.

Others don't like the idea of them pretending to be the victim when they in fact could have been one of the perpetrators- if they caused some of the person's pain. I'm not sure it is all that selfish to simply not want our funerals to be another opportunity to trample all over us- literally if it's a burial and, use us for their own gain.

Maybe it's a little unkind in trying to bulldoze over their wishes/ needs. But then, I'm sure people have their reasons.

If it's purely a self image thing though- believing you are trash. Believing all of us are. If your loved ones were actually attentive/ supportive then- that aspect of it could be pretty hurtful. Would they want to put you in the trash?

Not that others may even know but, I suppose it could be seen as a way of shaming them. They thought so little of their relative that they just binned them. You're going to know best- whether they deserve that shaming. Would you do the same to them? Sling them in the rubbish?

 

[darkizz]

I dont think its selfish. If thats what you want you can write it down.
In the end they will decide how they handle it anyway, but at least you get heard.
Maybe the honor your wish and dont give one. Or they take a path in between and make it a small family gathering only.

On the other hand not having a gathering means they all have to suffer alone (like many of us do) instead of having a group that can mend the pain a bit.