Apparently I truly can't do ANYTHING right....

[Catching_the_bus]

I recently attempted with SN and would have succeed if it hadn't have been for my neighbor finding me.. let me explain what happened... I had taken the SN and everything was going great until I woke up in the hospital because according to my neighbor she heard a very loud crashing sound come from my apartment (I had apparently passed out in the kitchen causing me to fall to the floor knocking over several things in the process) I didn't have my door locked (stupid me) so after not being able to get a response from me she came in to find me in her own words "blue and unresponsive" of course she then called emergency services and next thing I know I am waking up at the hospital and was held there for several days against my will while they essentially interrogated me about how it all happened... I guess I am not only a failure at life but also at death...am I forever cursed to continue this awful existence? If I had just had a little bit more time... If I had just locked my door then I would be at peace right now... I guess I literally can't do anything right.... I feel like an absolute failure and it only makes me want to Ctb more....

 

[Gaga786]

I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. I cannot imagine the suffering that you went through. Waking up from a failed attempt is horrific; I had a similar experience with my mother finding me.I can't do anything well, it seems like no matter what I do, as I always end up failing everything.

 

[Catching_the_bus]

I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. I cannot imagine the suffering that you went through. Waking up from a failed attempt is horrific; I had a similar experience with my mother finding me.I can't do anything well, it seems like no matter what I do, as I always end up failing everything.

I'm so sorry that you have also gone through a similar situation... It truly is horrific to wake up and find out you failed. Its almost as if this life is mocking me at this point because this is the closest I have ever been... I was so close that I could feel the warm embrace of ultimate sleep and yet I woke up in a cold hospital room being harassed by doctors who want nothing more then to prolong my suffering... It's truly traumatic

 

[FuneralCry]

Failing ctb sounds so horrible to me, I hate how we exist in a world where people cannot choose to voluntarily exit without the fear of being interrupted and having their plans ruined. Other people really shouldn't have any right to interfere in ctb attempts, it's really cruel how it's this difficult to die.

 

[Catching_the_bus]

Failing ctb sounds so horrible to me, I hate how we exist in a world where people cannot choose to voluntarily exit without the fear of being interrupted and having their plans ruined. Other people really shouldn't have any right to interfere in ctb attempts, it's really cruel how it's this difficult to die.

Perfectly said! After all we didn't ask to be on this hellish planet yet we are forced to stay here... I am tired of being treated like a criminal for not wanting to exist in a world that has done nothing but traumatize me and abuse me... We all die someday anyway so why is it so wrong for me to speed up the process of my inevitable demise... There's no point in existing like this... I wake up, hate every moment of my existence, go to bed, and repeat... Am I just supposed to do this until I naturally die!? Why is it so wrong for me to want to end it sooner....

 

[soontobedone]

I'm so glad you don't appear to have negative physical effects. I got my meto today. A few more details and it will be my turn.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Sounds like a horrible experience in hospital but the SN doesn't sound too bad an experience up until then?

 

[Catching_the_bus]

Sounds like a horrible experience in hospital but the SN doesn't sound too bad an experience up until then?

No long term physical damage but the mental damage of still being here after being so close to everlasting peace is excruciating... The SN was only mildly uncomfortable and I would say the worst part of the SN was the nausea... Very peaceful and I am confident I would have been successful if I hadn't been found

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Catching_the_bus thanks that'll give a lot of people more peace of mind regarding SN I think. Also relieved to hear there is no long term physical damage (I don't think there usually is with SN but it's always good to hear first hand experiences) and yeh I can totally understand your feelings after getting so close

 

[anguila_anguila]

I'm sorry but you can't be angry at the medical staff for saving your life. They are not you and don't know your thoughts, how are they supposed to know it was a suicide attempt?
From what you describe it probably just looked like you collapsed from an unknown cause and it was only after they were reviving you did they understand it was a suicide attempt. At this point they couldn't just leave you because it would be a) against their Hipocratic oath and b) could leave you alive but with severe injuries.

Also I'm relieved to hear that you didn't receive any permanent damage from the SN, which would make living, for however long, even harder.

 

[Catching_the_bus]

I'm sorry but you can't be angry at the medical staff for saving your life. They are not you and don't know your thoughts, how are they supposed to know it was a suicide attempt?
From what you describe it probably just looked like you collapsed from an unknown cause and it was only after they were reviving you did they understand it was a suicide attempt. At this point they couldn't just leave you because it would be a) against their Hipocratic oath and b) could leave you alive but with severe injuries.

Also I'm relieved to hear that you didn't receive any permanent damage from the SN, which would make living, for however long, even harder.

It's not the doctors or even my neighbor I am angry at... I am angry that I failed due to a simple mistake on my end... I am more angry at the fact I am still here then the people who were only doing their jobs. I totally understand that it's their duty to save everyone but it just sucks being so close and failing

 

[theviewfromhalfway]

It's not the doctors or even my neighbor I am angry at... I am angry that I failed due to a simple mistake on my end... I am more angry at the fact I am still here then the people who were only doing their jobs. I totally understand that it's their duty to save everyone but it just sucks being so close and failing

Your feelings are understandable and valid. It's very common to feel anger in that situation, even at people who are doing their jobs. When I jumped, I was angry at myself for failing but also at the coastguard for 'doing their jobs'. I wanted them to leave me there rather than deal with the embarrassment and having them see me in that state. I was also angry at the mental health workers for realising it was an attempt and telling my parents. I was angry at my parents for keeping me under 24 hour supervision. Suicide attempts are often traumatising and since mine, I've never felt so much anger. Being angry at the world for keeping you here is normal and it's not a bad thing. It's kinda like stages of grief, grieving what could have been. I hope you can find peace <3

 

[justastranger]

I hope you are okay now sweetheart. How are you now?