Apologies in advance

[Fullof pain]

Sorry to moan, but I feel beyond breaking point. Don't want to resort to bad language, but, how hard is it to f....ing die?? AArgh
It's not through lack of trying but my body just doesn't seem to be able to ctb. What more do i need to do? It's so cruel to live in a society where we have no choice but to resort to such extreme measures. Where life is viewed in years rather than judged by quality. I've done enough, lived enough, i just want to go. This existence is beyond hell and no matter how hard i try i keep on living. I am not an angry person, but i feel angry and i just need it to all be over. Would appreciate some hugs as i am so lonely and in so much pain.

 

[Saed]

Don't apologise. You've voiced what just about everyone here feels.
It's beyond frustrating to "survive" inspite of our best efforts,and be trapped in an endless,yearning pursuit of death.
It's not living is it?
Hits me right in the heart to hear someone say "I'm lonely",too.

Any plans for the next ctb attempt?

 

[Heavy]

Don't apologise. You've voiced what just about everyone here feels.
It's beyond frustrating to "survive" inspite of our best efforts,and be trapped in an endless,yearning pursuit of death.
It's not living is it?
Hits me right in the heart to hear someone say "I'm lonely",too.

Any plans for the next ctb attempt?

Saed sometimes I view you as some kind of gatekeeper to death. You help people die. You helped me in pm to get my death secured.
I dont know if thats good or bad.

 

[Saed]

Saed sometimes I view you as some kind of gatekeeper to death. You help people die. You helped me in pm to get my death secured.
I dont know if thats good or bad.

You asked in a thread where to get meto.
I sent you a link.
Feel free to post screenshots of our PM exchange.
That's the second time you've thrown accusations at me.
Please post evidence of me "helping people to die". Your perceptions are very different to my intentions,for sure.

 

[Fullof pain]

Only plan after survival of the last attempt, is to aim for liver failure by taking a huge amount of paracetamol every day. Have managed a week of 100+ tablets every day so far. I know it's a crap way to go but it won't be worse than the pain i'm in right now

 

[Saed]

Only plan after survival of the last attempt, is to aim for liver failure by taking a huge amount of paracetamol every day. Have managed a week of 100+ tablets every day so far. I know it's a crap way to go but it won't be worse than the pain i'm in right now

Oh. I remember your thread now.
Please don't do this to yourself.
All you'll is make your life more difficult,and,actually,it can take decades of abuse to mess up the liver,depending on genetics and other factors.
You could well damage your kidneys in the meantime,and end up on dialysis.
Are you in any pain at all from what you've bern doing?

 

[Fullof pain]

No, but I live with a chronic pain condition so my perception of pain is a bit f...ed anyway. Plus physical abuse and a life time of self harm numb you to pain

 

[somniummalum]

I do not understand man... why ctb duo to liver failure, it's so cruel and painful...
Like almost every other method is better.

 

[Saed]

No, but I live with a chronic pain condition so my perception of pain is a bit f...ed anyway. Plus physical abuse and a life time of self harm numb you to pain

So there's a kind of masochistic element to it.
This isn't likely to kill you,but is torturous

 

[somniummalum]

So there's a kind of masochistic element to it.
This isn't likely to kill you,but is torturous

ah... yeah I didn't think about that actually.
the more you know^^

 

[Fullof pain]

Yes perhaps. Masses of self hatred being told that you are sub human does that to you. Plus an ex who nearly removed my eye and tried to kill me on several occasions. Again apologies, I know that we are all hurt here and people suffer in all kinds of ways.
As I said I don't mean to moan, but it just gets too overwhelming and the pain gets to unbearable levels. Where anything becomes a viable option

 

[Saed]

Yes perhaps. Masses of self hatred being told that you are sub human does that to you. Plus an ex who nearly removed my eye and tried to kill me on several occasions. Again apologies, I know that we are all hurt here and people suffer in all kinds of ways.

Don't apologise for saying what you're feeling.
That what the forums are for.
I am horrified to hear that about your ex.
Did you gravitate toward an abusive relationship?
How did you get out of the situation?

 

[Fullof pain]

I was only 17 and he was 30, it just kind of happened. He was a master in all the ways to cause someone pain. Seriously, stuff that wouldn't make it in to a horror film it was so evil. After 2 years I found the courage to leave the country. Then I had a breakdown and was disowned by my family for being mentally ill. 4 years later i met my beloved husband and he gave me a reason to live. Now that he has passed ,so has my reason to stay alive.

 

[Saed]

I was only 17 and he was 30, it just kind of happened. He was a master in all the ways to cause someone pain. Seriously, stuff that wouldn't make it in to a horror film it was so evil. After 2 years I found the courage to leave the country. Then I had a breakdown and was disowned by my family for being mentally ill.

So,you have no real life support from anyone at all?
Do you even have anyone to talk to?

 

[Fullof pain]

Nobody at all. As you can imagine I have huge trust issues, surprise surprise

 

[Saed]

Nobody at all.

I am sorry.
I barely speak to a solitary soul,either. It never used to bother me,but living in a silent world is all kinds of strange at times.
When you can only consult yourself...

 

[Fullof pain]

My husband was disabled and needed a lot of care, so we were together 24/7. I think that is why the loneliness is destroying me. Plus he was my anchor and kept me safe. One hug from him could solve everything, I miss that comfort so much. Without him I am just out of control and the self hatred is running wild

I do not understand man... why ctb duo to liver failure, it's so cruel and painful...
Like almost every other method is better.

Sometimes you reach a point when all care is gone and a painful death is still a death

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

In support of your self-determination to choose what is best for you...

Just as I shall select my ship when I am about to go on a voyage, or my house when I propose to take a residence, so I shall choose my death when I am about to depart from life...There is no occasion when the soul should be humored more than at the moment of death. Let the soul depart as it feels itself impelled to go; whether it seeks the sword, or the halter, or some draught that attacks the veins, let it proceed and burst the bonds of its slavery. Every man ought to make his life acceptable to others besides himself, but his death to himself alone. The best form of death is the one we like. Men are foolish who reflect thus: 'One person will say that my conduct was not brave enough; another, that I was too headstrong; a third, that a particular kind of death would have betokened more spirit.' What you should really reflect is: 'I have under consideration a purpose with which the talk of men has no concern!'

- Seneca

 

[Saed]

@GoodPersonEffed I don't feel we were undermining anyone's right to self-determination.
@Fullof pain has stated they want to die,but this path may not lead to death,only torturous compounding suffering and misery.
Then,it became slightly more clear that this self mutilation is part of a wider whole.

 

[Fullof pain]

I appreciate all input and all opinions. All are valid to me. And yes my own sense of self destruction is maybe clouding my judgement. And on reflection there are probably easier ways to go, so I appreciate the insight and having my ideas challenged slightly. I am on self destruct, and it is spiralling out of control.
Thank you for all the input, hugs and most importantly, the acceptance. Family responsibilities and duty calls. Love to you all !!

 

[woxihuanni]

So long as assisted suicide in a hospital is not available, I think the problem remains even if N was sold at the cornerstore. More and more I feel I shouldn't have to tackle my own death alone. Not that it changes the fact that I have to.

Howevermuch I prefer death to what I have to go through otherwise, it is a terrible thing for death to become another chore I cannot risk fucking up.

 

[Fullof pain]

Really worried this morning as the main psychiatrist is phoning to give me her verdict on being sectioned or not. Dreading it as I really don't want robbed of my freedom. Wish me luck !

 

[Saed]

Really worried this morning as the main psychiatrist is phoning to give me her verdict on being sectioned or not. Dreading it as I really don't want robbed of my freedom. Wish me luck !

Good luck. It would not surprise me at all if they leave you to your own devices.
I hope whatever happens turns out the best for you.Let us know xxx

 

[Fullof pain]

Good luck. It would not surprise me at all if they leave you to your own devices.
I hope whatever happens turns out the best for you.Let us know xxx

Thank you, I hope they leave me alone too. But it's been on the cards for weeks now and I've had issues with this shrink before so worry that she'll do it just to flex her muscles and massage her ego. I'm shaking like a bloody leaf, better top up on some meds so i at least sound coherent. " Do you feel suicidal? " "whatever gave you that idea doctor? " lol

 

[Saed]

Thank you, I hope they leave me alone too. But it's been on the cards for weeks now and I've had issues with this shrink before so worry that she'll do it just to flex her muscles and massage her ego.

It's not easy to be at the mercy of these people,especially when it seems being sectioned doesn't seem to help you long term at all.
We're here if you need to vent,later,or just talk.

 

[Fullof pain]

It's not easy to be at the mercy of these people,especially when it seems being sectioned doesn't seem to help you long term at all.
We're here if you need to vent,later,or just talk.

I really appreciate that. You have been really kind and have a good heart. So keep your light shining brightly and don't let anyone diminish it.

 

[Saed]

I really appreciate that. You have been really kind and have a good heart. So keep your light shining brightly and don't let anyone diminish it.

That was a lovely thing to say. Thank you.
I think you could read that post back to yourself,as if someone had written it to you.
Believe it.You may need shelter,so you can become strong.
You deserve nothing but kindness. I am sorry life has been so cruel.

 

[Fullof pain]

I am totally surprised at my phone call with the shrink earlier. Totally not what I was expecting, I don't have to go into hospital unless I feel that it would be helpful [ I don't]. She then discussed my current situation in quite a caring way. She also suggested some trauma therapy and working with the psychologist to find better coping strategies. I was speechless, and she even asked if I would consider it rather than dictating. So I agreed to give it a go, emdr I think. Never heard of it, but i'll try as it can't be worse than this living hell.

 

[Saed]

I am totally surprised at my phone call with the shrink earlier. Totally not what I was expecting, I don't have to go into hospital unless I feel that it would be helpful [ I don't]. She then discussed my current situation in quite a caring way. She also suggested some trauma therapy and working with the psychologist to find better coping strategies. I was speechless, and she even asked if I would consider it rather than dictating. So I agreed to give it a go, emdr I think. Never heard of it, but i'll try as it can't be worse than this living hell.

That's great news! Am so pleased for you and you're sounding far more optimistic than this morning. Hope it helps you turn things around.
Go for it!

 

[Fullof pain]

That's great news! Am so pleased for you and you're sounding far more optimistic than this morning. Hope it helps you turn things around.
Go for it!

Thank you, truly. You have a sincere heart, so take care of it !