Venting apathy - i no longer feel certain emotions

[OutOfTheVoid]

i might be repeating myself like a broken record, i just want to talk abt something thats happened to me and i dont remember if ive talked abt it before or not

so, as of abt a month ago, i think i lost the ability to feel certain emotions? like, painful emotions tho. i no longer feel shame, guilt, embarassment, fear, anything like that. i just live fearlessly and impulsively not caring what anyone thinks of me. its fucking powerful. i speak my mind, im an open book who wears her heart on her sleeve (case in point: this post). best part is i make whatever shit art i want and just put it out there, i dont even edit anything i make. but...

...its a double edged sword. i literally share everything thats on my mind and im certain it worries ppl like my gf, like im just casually open about being suicidal and i hide nothing (granted this site was what made me so open abt being suicidal, maybe even made me more open in general). i express all my beliefs even ones other ppl would consider delusional. im pretty sure i annoy ppl with how talkative and opinionated i am and i probably push ppl away. worst thing is sometimes i say shit that comes off as disrespectful. but i dont feel bad abt it. even when ppl call me out. sure i apologize when i do something disrespectful and i do what i can to avoid repeating the same behavior, cuz i still care abt ppl. i have a conscience and all that and i feel empathy still. i just dont feel guilt anymore

before this happened i would feel horribly guilty over every little thing that could be construed as wrong. guilt was eating me away and i was destroying myself with it. i guess i overloaded my brain with guilt and it shutdown?

this happened after i relapsed last month and tried to ctb, which i felt extremely guilty for at first but then after one particular drug trip i just, stopped feeling emotions like guilt or shame or fear? maybe its bc i accepted death and let go of fear of dying, plus having no regard for my safety or health or future since i wanted to die. but even now that im trying to live again, i still feel just as apathetic and i still lack those emotions. maybe the drugs caused this? its been abt a month since then, and ive been clean off all drugs (even caffeine) for over a week now since im taking a break. so its not just drug effects anymore. tho ig robotripping on dxm can change a person forever, it is a dissociative hallucinogen after all. wouldnt be the first time a trip changed me, this is just by far the most extreme. maybe i got brain damage from the drug use? i wouldnt be surprised

to be clear, i am immensely happier this way. i wouldnt even think of returning to how i used to be, even if i could. its just...weird. maybe im just manic, idk. i hope i never lose this. but i also hope this doesnt bite me in the ass and destroy my relationships. im not worried tho, i feel apathetic rn. i couldnt be worried no matter what. i guess thats another emotion i cant feel anymore, worry. good riddance, right? right?

 

[honeyed_achelois]

what drugs did you take? i also feel guilt all the time so not feeling it anymore sounds amazing haha.

glad you're feeling better despite the lack of emotions though.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

what drugs did you take?

dextromethorphan (active ingredient in cough medicine; i took robotablets specifically). thats the one i suspect contributed most. i also took benadryl, xanax, and gabapentin. i mix a lot of shit that youre not supposed to mix lol

 

[Archness]

I'm actually a bit of the opposite of you. As an adolescent I spoke my mind without a care in the world without guilt or shame, being offensive, saying the n-word for lols, and generally hogging the spotlight to be the "class clown (autist var)".

But since, like 2019 I started developing an "awareness". I sense the "negative aura" about and realized the truths of human nature. Now I'm always kinda spooked by other people. Even \w you some alarms where going off at first.

Ahh.... now I'm always somewhat uneased. Not really in fear or anxiety, just uneased.
Tho anxiety is sometimes a thing interacting with others. Especially cashiers when I'm buying something, for some reason.

 

[DeadManLiving]

It appears you are in one of the final stages of a condition called Psychological Death.

I'm just going to copy and paste it from this article here:

Yes, People Can Die From Giving Up on Life

The condition has five stages:

First is social withdrawal. Following a trauma, people may become self-absorbed and indifferent and show a lack of emotion.

The second is apathy – an emotional or symbolic "death," researchers say. Apathy is "a demoralizing melancholy different to anger, sadness or frustration."

The third stage is an extreme lack of motivation paired with a weakened emotional response, known as aboulia. It makes it difficult to make decisions and take initiative. People in this stage usually lack cleanliness and frequently stop eating.

The fourth stage is psychic akinesia. Although this person is conscious, they are in a state of extreme apathy and do not react to extreme pain.

The final stage is psychogenic death. Leach states this is the "disintegration of a person." He said "nothing … can make them want to live."

 

[WaitingToGo]

I think I'm on the third one on that list.

 

[Archness]

It appears you are in one of the final stages of a condition called Psychological Death.

I'm just going to copy and paste it from this article here:

Yes, People Can Die From Giving Up on Life

The condition has five stages:

First is social withdrawal. Following a trauma, people may become self-absorbed and indifferent and show a lack of emotion.

The second is apathy – an emotional or symbolic "death," researchers say. Apathy is "a demoralizing melancholy different to anger, sadness or frustration."

The third stage is an extreme lack of motivation paired with a weakened emotional response, known as aboulia. It makes it difficult to make decisions and take initiative. People in this stage usually lack cleanliness and frequently stop eating.

The fourth stage is psychic akinesia. Although this person is conscious, they are in a state of extreme apathy and do not react to extreme pain.

The final stage is psychogenic death. Leach states this is the "disintegration of a person." He said "nothing … can make them want to live."

I mean.... I guess I'm somewhere between the second and third stages. It seems a bit scary, but in my case, "If it happens it happens".

Even my loneliness, I simply care less and less. I used to be pretty desperate because of loneliness, but now I don't mind it so much. If anything, I want to be more lonely and isolate myself more.

I can still feel emotions but increasingly I'm... disassociated? There isn't a good way to describe this very specific experience. OP definitely isn't in the "final stages" but that's just my 2-cents.

 

[Veraz]

To be honest, it could be a lot of things. A lack of certain emotions is a well documented symptom of clinical depression, and what emotions those are specifically vary from person to person. As you said, it could also be related to an undiagnosed (or possibly diagnosed) mental condition such as the manic phase of BpD. I am not very knowledgeable about BpD though, so I can't really say much about it.

It's not 100% out of the question that some kind of strange drug reaction could have altered the hormone levels in your body, but I would personally say that this scenario is a lot less likely than one of the other possible causes. Whatever happened is probably more psychological than anything else.

If it's true that it's not causing you distress, then it may be best to simply ignore it for the time being. If the cause isn't physical, then it will probably go away on it's own sooner or later. That being said, if you are really worried about how it might effect your relationship, then you may want to sit down and have a talk with your partner. Calmly tell them what you are going through and see if they can offer any advice.



Though, I know all too well how much it feels like nobody can help you when in this kind of mindset. Ultimately, the choice of what you do next will be up to you. And remember that you don't necessarily have to do anything. Only you can make that call.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

It appears you are in one of the final stages of a condition called Psychological Death.

I'm just going to copy and paste it from this article here:

Yes, People Can Die From Giving Up on Life

The condition has five stages:

First is social withdrawal. Following a trauma, people may become self-absorbed and indifferent and show a lack of emotion.

The second is apathy – an emotional or symbolic "death," researchers say. Apathy is "a demoralizing melancholy different to anger, sadness or frustration."

The third stage is an extreme lack of motivation paired with a weakened emotional response, known as aboulia. It makes it difficult to make decisions and take initiative. People in this stage usually lack cleanliness and frequently stop eating.

The fourth stage is psychic akinesia. Although this person is conscious, they are in a state of extreme apathy and do not react to extreme pain.

The final stage is psychogenic death. Leach states this is the "disintegration of a person." He said "nothing … can make them want to live."

this is fascinating. im definitely at the second stage, but kinda skipped the third and went to the fourth stage. i feel pain, even physical pain, but it doesnt affect me emotionally anymore, i have a high tolerance for any amount of pain now. not at the final stage (yet), but i think when my manic episode ends and i fall back into depression i will be. just a matter of time

I'm actually a bit of the opposite of you. As an adolescent I spoke my mind without a care in the world without guilt or shame, being offensive, saying the n-word for lols, and generally hogging the spotlight to be the "class clown (autist var)".

But since, like 2019 I started developing an "awareness". I sense the "negative aura" about and realized the truths of human nature. Now I'm always kinda spooked by other people. Even \w you some alarms where going off at first.

Ahh.... now I'm always somewhat uneased. Not really in fear or anxiety, just uneased.
Tho anxiety is sometimes a thing interacting with others. Especially cashiers when I'm buying something, for some reason.

i will clarify, im not offensive or saying slurs or anything lol. im very socially conscious and considerate of others. i'll say shit that offends assholes who deserve to be offended, like "fuck fascists", but i only punch up.

really, its because i see myself as being a 'good person' that i dont have shame or guilt. and i dont have shame or guilt for things im proud of, like being trans and queer. its empowering in that sense. i guess guilt and shame just arent what motivate me to do good and not do bad, i just know whats right and whats wrong and act accordingly

i have a lot of 'awareness' too, actually developed it around the same time (closer to 2018 was when it started). used to be similar to how you described. and i had a lot of anxiety and social anxiety specifically, until recently. ig i just dont care what happens to me anymore, so im not spooked by anything anymore. i think i still have unease tho, especially with how fucked up this world is and how many awful ppl exist in it

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

. People in this stage usually lack cleanliness and frequently stop eating.

wait i just reread this and opened the article and noticed the "stop eating" part. i still maintain cleanliness and hygiene, but ive been fasting a lot for days on end. longest was 3 days, only broke the fast because i had to physically do things. even tho my body was decaying and i was in considerable pain, i was very apathetic to it all. i wanted to just starve to death, and death was worth the pain to me. i still do one day fasts now and then, and i still barely eat much. so i guess im in the second stage but entering the third stage. flipping back to depression (as will inevitably happen unless i die during this mania) will probably get me there fully, and maybe to the fourth stage too, but i wont enter the final stage (which leads to literal death right?) until the time is right

(sorry my reading comprehension is shit haha)

 

[Givenuponlife]

It appears you are in one of the final stages of a condition called Psychological Death.

I'm just going to copy and paste it from this article here:

Yes, People Can Die From Giving Up on Life

The condition has five stages:

First is social withdrawal. Following a trauma, people may become self-absorbed and indifferent and show a lack of emotion.

The second is apathy – an emotional or symbolic "death," researchers say. Apathy is "a demoralizing melancholy different to anger, sadness or frustration."

The third stage is an extreme lack of motivation paired with a weakened emotional response, known as aboulia. It makes it difficult to make decisions and take initiative. People in this stage usually lack cleanliness and frequently stop eating.

The fourth stage is psychic akinesia. Although this person is conscious, they are in a state of extreme apathy and do not react to extreme pain.

The final stage is psychogenic death. Leach states this is the "disintegration of a person." He said "nothing … can make them want to live."

A very interesting read. I'd say I'm on 3 right now.