Anyone's reason to ctb is the death of wife or husband?

[Littleone]

My father ctb in is 65 bc my mother died of cancer and he wouldn't live without her, even though he really loved me. Anyone here can understand him? Please, be constructive.

 

[noctiva]

I can understand him. If you are fortunate enough to be in a loving and caring relationship, your partner becomes more than just your spouse, it's your best friend, the person you trust most. The person you go to when you've problems, the person who anchors you down when you feel like you're losing yourself.
Losing that person takes everything away from you, it leaves you stranded to fend for yourself. You just know that you are not going to be strong enough to continue on your own without this person by your side. Based on your fathers age, I would also venture a guess that it doesn't just have to do with emotionally but also physically not wanting to grow old alone. A good partner is an equal, someone whose opinion you value as much as your own. And usually when couples have been together for a very long time, they are so used to each other, that if one partner dies, it is similar as to losing a part of yourself.

The love for children is different than for your partner, who is your equal. You will never stop to be a parent, even if your child is 50, you will always look out for them and you will always try to guide them, as a parent would. But once your child is an adult, you know that your child needs to find his/ her own way in life, no matter how much you want to protect and guide them, and you know that you need to let them go. The bond of dependency that is between parent and child ends there. At that point, a parent can only hope that the child will also find a partnership that gives him/ her as much as you have received from your own.

I think his CtB doesn't say anything negative about his love for you. It says something positive about the love your father had for your mother.

 

[Quinlor]

I believe that grief is is a normal feeling and of course you feel bad. But you can think this way: your parents are gone by destiny and they loved you, so they never probably would want the you ctb or something. It's different of a person that you loved and suddenly hurt you or did you hurt her emotionally and she never want to talk you again and etc. The pain is bigger because was a choice of that person, your parents never wanted to die and leave you remember that.

 

[Roger]

Yes.

 

[Littleone]

Thank you noctiva. Very nice words.
I'm glad you think this way. I try to do the same. However, I can't help thinking in the bad luck I have. He left me when just when I needed him most.

Thank you quinlor. I just feel so sad without them. We had a very special relationship, and could have been happy together so many years.

 

[noctiva]

@Littleone I think no child, no matter how old they are, is ever ready to lose a parent. It might sound like a cliche, but your dad and mom are still with you. You know them better than anyone else on this planet. I think you know exactly what advice they would give you if you brought your current problem to them as asked for their help. The question is if you can listen to the echo of them you carry in your heart and your mind.
Be kind to yourself on your journey. <3

 

[Littleone]

@noctiva that's exactly what I feel. I feel them with me every moment, but suddenly I remember they won't hug me anymore and nothing in this life makes sense. I am 32, and have husband and a baby, but I feel lonely and small.
Despite the reasons you wrote, I keep struggling with the idea of me not being enough for him. Why had he to need my mum this much? I see other widowed who get ahead. This is why I asked if someone here is in this situation.

 

[woxihuanni]

@noctiva that's exactly what I feel. I feel them with me every moment, but suddenly I remember they won't hug me anymore and nothing in this life makes sense. I am 32, and have husband and a baby, but I feel lonely and small.
Despite the reasons you wrote, I keep struggling with the idea of me not being enough for him. Why had he to need my mum this much? I see other widowed who get ahead. This is why I asked if someone here is in this situation.

I think the two things are related: That you need parents though you've built your own family, and that you cannot understand why your father needed his mate to carry on living. It is my instinct that part of coming into our own is getting an emotional divorce from our parents and recognise the bond with our partner as the deepest one possible.

Personally I've done this very recently. Now the very idea of needing or being emotionally close to a parent as a grown-up creeps me out. This repulsion is commensurate to my need for a partner.

 

[noctiva]

@Littleone I think your father knew that you are in a good place, you have a partner and you have a baby. He couldn't have wanted anything better for you than that. You have your own family to look after now.
I cannot answer your question why 'you weren't enough'. I think you were more than enough, you were the child he loved and cherished, just as you cherish your little one now. But a parents duty does end. He cannot give you the feeling of safety for the rest of his life. If he had died at 85 instead of 65, you would still miss him and the sense of security you associate with him. He knows you're in a good place and ready to learn to develop your own sense of safety.
@woxihuanni is correct, at some point the divorce from the parents needs to take place and you need to develop the feelings they gave you for yourself and in exchange with your own partner.
I think you can be proud of your father for making that choice, it shows that he had no regrets for being with your mother, they were a team, they had a deep connection and a mutually loving relationship. You are very fortunate for growing up with parents like that. I can tell you from my own experience that my parents resent each other so much that they are waiting for the other one to die so they 'can still have a few good years' afterwards. There was no love lost between my parents and it saddens me greatly.

 

[Littleone]

@noctiva I sincerely appreciate your words. You seem a very wise person, and I feel very much better after talking to you.

You're right, they were a perfect team. Anyone who knew them agree that they loved each other as nobody else. They had mutual respect and affection. That's beautiful and I'm proud of it.

I know that I have to grow and that it's part of life, but I feel so unfortunated for their soon pass. If it wasn't for the damned cancer they could have enjoyed their grandson and so, as so many people do.
In any happy picture of my future they were there, and now that's gone.

I feel sorry for your parents relationship. I don't know why you're here, but you're a sensitive person, and I'm sure that you can help a lot of people. That's a reason to live.

I'm sorry for my English.

 

[trynacbt]

OP, maybe a small part of it was the fact that you have your own life—a husband, a baby; it sounds to me like you are independent, you no longer "need" your father... perhaps this gave him some peace of mind in his decision, but also gave him less ties to this world in some sense.

I say this because my mother ctb'd and I see how much it has impacted my father. Especially because my mother was much younger than him and so he never expected she would pass first. My sister and I are in our 20s, but we both live with him still and are dependent on him. He often says, I don't know what I would do without the two of you; my life would have no meaning. Maybe this would be a bit different if we were no longer living with him.

I worry about him, especially because I am planning to ctb. But I find comfort in the knowledge that he will still have my sister to care for.

 

[BlueWidow]

I'm so sorry for all the losses you've suffered.

My husband died two years ago with cancer and losing him has been the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I can't speak for your father or anyone else, but my life has no meaning without my husband. I have no children, my parents and all my siblings are dead already, and my husband's family is not the most supportive of me.
They're not bad people, but I think they just either don't know how to help me or have no understanding of what I'm going through.
I've suffered many losses in my life, but the loss of my husband has been by far the worst I've ever suffered. It has affected each and every facet of my life. There's not one area of my life that has not been profoundly changed and affected by the absence of my husband.

I also think that when you're part of a couple for a long period of time, having that person be gone is like losing your arm. It's like a piece of you is missing and it's painful as hell.

I wish you peace

 

[Littleone]

OP, maybe a small part of it was the fact that you have your own life—a husband, a baby; it sounds to me like you are independent, you no longer "need" your father... perhaps this gave him some peace of mind in his decision, but also gave him less ties to this world in some sense.

I know what you mean, but it's so painful thinking that my "happiness" allowed him to end his life. Now I wish I hadn't my own family, and I was living with them instead, so when my mother died he had had to take care of me, and he hadn't felt so lonely.

I worry about him, especially because I am planning to ctb. But I find comfort in the knowledge that he will still have my sister to care for.

I don't think having your sister will be a relief for him. Just think that your ctb could trigger a series of ctbs: yours causing your sister's and your sister's causing your father's. That's what I most reproached my father, he ended with his pain, and now I have to guess what to do with mine. He didn't think that his ctb could push me to do the same. I can figure that your father is already walking on a tightrope, so your ctb would certainly have consequences. I don't think he could stand more pain.

I'm so sorry for all the losses you've suffered.

Thanks. I'm sorry for yours as well.

My husband died two years ago with cancer and losing him has been the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I can't speak for your father or anyone else, but my life has no meaning without my husband. I have no children, my parents and all my siblings are dead already, and my husband's family is not the most supportive of me.
They're not bad people, but I think they just either don't know how to help me or have no understanding of what I'm going through.

Have you tried to explain them how you feel? It's very common that people don't know how to help. Tell them what you need. It's difficult but we have to overcome the fear and ask close people to help us.

I've suffered many losses in my life, but the loss of my husband has been by far the worst I've ever suffered. It has affected each and every facet of my life. There's not one area of my life that has not been profoundly changed and affected by the absence of my husband.

I also think that when you're part of a couple for a long period of time, having that person be gone is like losing your arm. It's like a piece of you is missing and it's painful as hell.

Thank you for telling me this. I'm sure he felt just the same way. He could not find sense to his life without her. You both must have really loved your partner. I don't know how old you are, but he was 65, so he probably didn't want to grow old alone (as @noctiva says), but it deeply saddens me because I had plans to make him feel better, and to enjoy his grandson. Now my life sucks.

I wish you peace too.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I can understand him. If you are fortunate enough to be in a loving and caring relationship, your partner becomes more than just your spouse, it's your best friend, the person you trust most. The person you go to when you've problems, the person who anchors you down when you feel like you're losing yourself.
Losing that person takes everything away from you, it leaves you stranded to fend for yourself. You just know that you are not going to be strong enough to continue on your own without this person by your side. Based on your fathers age, I would also venture a guess that it doesn't just have to do with emotionally but also physically not wanting to grow old alone. A good partner is an equal, someone whose opinion you value as much as your own. And usually when couples have been together for a very long time, they are so used to each other, that if one partner dies, it is similar as to losing a part of yourself.

The love for children is different than for your partner, who is your equal. You will never stop to be a parent, even if your child is 50, you will always look out for them and you will always try to guide them, as a parent would. But once your child is an adult, you know that your child needs to find his/ her own way in life, no matter how much you want to protect and guide them, and you know that you need to let them go. The bond of dependency that is between parent and child ends there. At that point, a parent can only hope that the child will also find a partnership that gives him/ her as much as you have received from your own.

I think his CtB doesn't say anything negative about his love for you. It says something positive about the love your father had for your mother.

Beautifully well written. I'm going to CTB if my wife of 13 years ends up divorcing me. Because of most of the reasons you've mentioned in this post. She's my soulmate and I've been thinking of her every waking moment I have. I even dream about her every night and I can't turn this off.

I don't want to find anyone else and I know this will never stop. I won't put myself through the torture of missing her for the rest of my life. I will know in less then a months time how this will end, but it's not looking good so far.

 

[trynacbt]

I don't think having your sister will be a relief for him. Just think that your ctb could trigger a series of ctbs: yours causing your sister's and your sister's causing your father's.

I'm sorry, but you can't know that. What are you saying, that I shouldn't ctb? I don't know what else to do. My pain is eating me alive. I can't even escape it when I'm asleep because my dreams play it back to me over and over. I don't have an alternative.

 

[noctiva]

Beautifully well written. I'm going to CTB if my wife of 13 years ends up divorcing me. Because of most of the reasons you've mentioned in this post. She's my soulmate and I've been thinking of her every waking moment I have. I even dream about her every night and I can't turn this off.

I don't want to find anyone else and I know this will never stop. I won't put myself through the torture of missing her for the rest of my life. I will know in less then a months time how this will end, but it's not looking good so far.

I'm sorry you are in this kind of pain. I hear you, I have a similar situation. He will also let me know soon, but it is looking very bleak indeed. I have prepared everything as well as I can, including myself and my way out.
I know I can overcome this and I can find someone else, but I don't want to. I'd look for him in any man I could meet down the road, which wouldn't be fair to anyone, myself included.
Take care of yourself along the way and all the best wishes. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Littleone]

I'm sorry, but you can't know that. What are you saying, that I shouldn't ctb? I don't know what else to do. My pain is eating me alive. I can't even escape it when I'm asleep because my dreams play it back to me over and over. I don't have an alternative.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. You're right, I don't know it, it was just my feeling given my personal situation. Sorry again.

 

[Moon Flower]

My mom did it because my dad did it, and my last s/o also did it so I guess maybe a bit

 

[CaptainT]

I know it sounds a bit trite but the phrase "grief is the price we pay for love" is certainly true for me. "The pain now is part of the happiness then, that's the deal." When I was younger I thought the highs of life were all for free and went on forever. Now I see more and more the balance of things. I'm not bitter or angry about it, but the realism of it is strangely calming. Does that make sense?

I'm sorry for your double loss @Littleone. I feel your dad's pain of losing your mum and I feel your pain now. How life can be so beautiful and devastating is unbelievably difficult. My thoughts are with you

 

[Littleone]

I'm so sorry to hear that @lunarpoppies420. All my love

I know it sounds a bit trite but the phrase "grief is the price we pay for love" is certainly true for me. "The pain now is part of the happiness then, that's the deal." When I was younger I thought the highs of life were all for free and went on forever. Now I see more and more the balance of things. I'm not bitter or angry about it, but the realism of it is strangely calming. Does that make sense?

I see what you mean. I think that all the love I saw between my parents had to have consequences, but some people tell me that grief is not proportional to love. I agree to some extent, I guess it also depends on your abilities and resilience. I.e I'm sure my mum wouldn't have ctb'd if she had lost my dad, altough they lived the same relationship.

What doesn' t make sense for me is how you find that balance you talk about, "calming". For me it's terribly upsetting.

 

[noctiva]

@Littleone I haven't come to the thread in a while. I read your very very kind comment and I had no idea how to respond at all. Very wise indeed! I just wanted to thank you for being so kind and generous towards me, I very much appreciate it and don't think I deserve it.
I hope that you will be able to make peace with your fathers decision some day. It is difficult for the loved ones left behind when a person dies due to illness or old age, but suicide is different and leaves open wounds that heal very slowly. Be kind to yourself and towards your father's memory in your grieving process. I am absolutely sure that he never intended to hurt you with his decision.
I read a wonderful sentence some time ago which helps me a lot, I don't know maybe you can also use it for your own process: 'Grief is love with no place to go.'
The longer I think about it, the more significant it becomes to me
I wish you all the very best on your journey.

 

[azucaramargo]

I'm so sorry for all the losses you've suffered.

My husband died two years ago with cancer and losing him has been the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I can't speak for your father or anyone else, but my life has no meaning without my husband. I have no children, my parents and all my siblings are dead already, and my husband's family is not the most supportive of me.
They're not bad people, but I think they just either don't know how to help me or have no understanding of what I'm going through.
I've suffered many losses in my life, but the loss of my husband has been by far the worst I've ever suffered. It has affected each and every facet of my life. There's not one area of my life that has not been profoundly changed and affected by the absence of my husband.

I also think that when you're part of a couple for a long period of time, having that person be gone is like losing your arm. It's like a piece of you is missing and it's painful as hell.

I wish you peace

I'm so sorry, BlueWidow. I feel your pain even though i have never been married. I'm so glad you're on this site. xoxox

Beautifully well written. I'm going to CTB if my wife of 13 years ends up divorcing me. Because of most of the reasons you've mentioned in this post. She's my soulmate and I've been thinking of her every waking moment I have. I even dream about her every night and I can't turn this off.

I don't want to find anyone else and I know this will never stop. I won't put myself through the torture of missing her for the rest of my life. I will know in less then a months time how this will end, but it's not looking good so far.

Your wife's a lucky lady.

 

[BlueWidow]

'Grief is love with no place to go.'

That is an excellent quote. Where did you hear that? That's a very accurate description. I had never considered it from that angle before. Interesting. . . Something to think about.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

I am so sorry for your loss, trying to understand this is complex, but in the simplest way. The relationship your parents had was a love so strong that together they created new life (you). They were partners, best friends, and lovers, and that relationship is far different than a parent / child. often times when a spouse dies the other follows close behind, from the grief and the heart ache, they just simply stop living. Your father loved your Mother so much he could not imagine a life without her. That is incredibly romantic and speaks to the power and intensity of the love he had for her. When a person becomes truly suicidal you have to understand they cant think about anything other than ending their own pain. This in no way does not mean your father did not love you or consider you, he probably just could not hold on any longer. Again, I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your parents. Mine are both gone. I will say this... we should all be so lucky to find a partner we love so much we simply cant live without them. I know this doesn't ease your pain...

 

[LMLN]

Im so sorry for the loss of your parents. My heart aches for you. Your father loved you I'm certain. His pain just overtook him.
My husband cbt last March. We were together 30 years and married for 25. It has broken me. He was my best friend and the person I went to for support. My whole life feels empty having lost my best friend and love. The pain is indescribable.
It sounds like your parents were married much longer. I know my pain and cannot imagine your fathers pain. That pain overtook him, he just could not imagine his life without your mother. It did not at all mean he did not love you.
I'm so sorry.

 

[Littleone]

@LMLN Thank you for your words. And I'm sure his pain was unbearable. I understand him, and I forgive him (if I have to), but I wonder why some other people carry on with their lifes after losing their partner, and my father didn't even try. He could have tried and if finally he couldn't, I might have understood him.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My parents were together for more than 40 years, a whole life, as you and your husband. May I ask why did your husband ctb?

All my best wishes.

 

[LMLN]

@LMLN Thank you for your words. And I'm sure his pain was unbearable. I understand him, and I forgive him (if I have to), but I wonder why some other people carry on with their lifes after losing their partner, and my father didn't even try. He could have tried and if finally he couldn't, I might have understood him.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My parents were together for more than 40 years, a whole life, as you and your husband. May I ask why did your husband ctb?

All my best wishes.

He had many physical and mental health problems. Looking back I should have seen it was a strong possibilty but I did not believe it. I did not understand until after.

Again, I'm so sorry for your losses. Both parents. It must be heartbreaking. Your father just could not bear the pain.
❤

 

[Littleone]

He had many physical and mental health problems. Looking back I should have seen it was a strong possibilty but I did not believe it. I did not understand until after.

I'm sorry to hear that. I feel the same towards my father. Some days before his ctb the idea crossed my mind, but I rejected the idea because some other things made me think he wanted to live. I should have asked him, and begged him to stay with me, but I didn't.

I've read in other thread that you have a son. How old is he? I know your struggling to go through, and in name of your son I want to thank you the effort.

Best

 

[LMLN]

I'm sorry to hear that. I feel the same towards my father. Some days before his ctb the idea crossed my mind, but I rejected the idea because some other things made me think he wanted to live. I should have asked him, and begged him to stay with me, but I didn't.

I've read in other thread that you have a son. How old is he? I know your struggling to go through, and in name of your son I want to thank you the effort.

Best

He is almost 20. Hes honestly the one keeping me fighting through each day. It's so hard though.

 

[Littleone]

He is almost 20. Hes honestly the one keeping me fighting through each day. It's so hard though.

Maybe, it's unfair of me yo ask you this, but if he were married or living independently with a partner, would you have ctbd?
I'm trying to understand why my father did it despite how much he loved me. Why didn't he go through for me and my son?