Anyone with journals/personal writings, are you going to throw them away before you CTB?

[whywait]

My last indecision... I have probably 30+ full journals on my bookshelf from the past five years, everyone knows I'm crazy over notebooks, pens, etc. In a weird way I kinda feel like they're the truest reflection of myself, I'm a little proud whenever someone notices them and sometimes I'll flip through a few pages to show them my writings, drawings, ticket stubs, pressed flowers, photos, cards, souvenirs from travels, letters from friends, dumb memes I printed out. Just the ephemera of my life really. A kind of daily scrapbook almost. It's been incredibly therapeutic for me over the years.

But most of them also contain intensely private writings, secrets...how much I despise my mother, past abuse, half-written suicide notes, embarassing crushes, losing my virginity, side effects of meds, drug use, mental illness my family doesn't know about...sexual assault...what I discuss with my therapist....and just plain dramatic emotional ranting during episodes towards people that were in the moment and truly do not reflect how I actually feel now....

But I still can't bring myself to burn them or throw them away. I love looking back and reading things I had forgotten, seeing how much I've changed. I dunno. I have no problem deleting my browser history and wiping my phone but my journals mean so much more to me. But again, do I really want my family and younger siblings reading that? I just haven't been able to reach a decision yet.

 

[LaughingandSmiling]

I've been having a similar debate over whether or not I should wipe my phone.

I write a lot on a semi-popular website, and pour out a lot of things that make me as a person. Dumb jokes, normal teenage boy shit, and deeper issues I have. It would be a nice memento. But I also don't exactly want them reading it.

My texts with some friends are also very candid about my mental health. I don't want them to see that sort of stuff.

If it helps your decision along, if anyone's a I love killed themselves, I would appreciate that sort of thing. To remember them, their life, and how they thought by.

 

[BACONF]

I also have journals, texts, notebooks and a lot of things. What I doing its I´m creating a memento (?) in the web. One where I post what represents me but I´m sure nobody of my friends and family will associate with me, an avatar you could say. An anonimus place.
The other part I´m probably going to lock it in a chest or something, I will leave a note that says: "open once you comprend why I leave" or something like that. You can do the same or you can leave it to a trusted person. :)

 

[Trashcan]

I've made a few diary entries over the years and threw those all out.

 

[TAW122]

I will likely keep my journals and writings as they show my thought process and my thoughts regarding a lot of things. However, I would throw away/discard my secret suicide note (the one that won't be shared to anyone but only here) since I don't want the people IRL to find out my woes and my reasoning (which they won't understand, let alone acknowledge it).

 

[Donewith_]

I rarely open up to people. It's like..They only see a hologram of who I am. I mean I show myself that way. So, I used to write ..my only way to express myself completely and vent out my feelings. My family members used to find them accidentally. Once my mom saw the note ..I vented in it, wrote that I want to ctb .I used to scold myself for writing them in the first place. I used to write a lot.. I threw all of them away. I no longer write, don't feel to.

 

[TiredHorse]

I have thirty years of sketchbooks/journals. Not many, for all that; I only fill one every couple years. I can't bear to destroy them while I'm alive, they are as much a part of me as any cellular tissue, but after I die, and my other thoughts have faded, they are in a box of stuff I have directed to have cremated with me.

 

[weedoge]

My last indecision... I have probably 30+ full journals on my bookshelf from the past five years, everyone knows I'm crazy over notebooks, pens, etc. In a weird way I kinda feel like they're the truest reflection of myself, I'm a little proud whenever someone notices them and sometimes I'll flip through a few pages to show them my writings, drawings, ticket stubs, pressed flowers, photos, cards, souvenirs from travels, letters from friends, dumb memes I printed out. Just the ephemera of my life really. A kind of daily scrapbook almost. It's been incredibly therapeutic for me over the years.

But most of them also contain intensely private writings, secrets...how much I despise my mother, past abuse, half-written suicide notes, embarassing crushes, losing my virginity, side effects of meds, drug use, mental illness my family doesn't know about...sexual assault...what I discuss with my therapist....and just plain dramatic emotional ranting during episodes towards people that were in the moment and truly do not reflect how I actually feel now....

But I still can't bring myself to burn them or throw them away. I love looking back and reading things I had forgotten, seeing how much I've changed. I dunno. I have no problem deleting my browser history and wiping my phone but my journals mean so much more to me. But again, do I really want my family and younger siblings reading that? I just haven't been able to reach a decision yet.

Its a pretty personal decision but I value creative expression so much. If I were you I might just rip out the things I want to keep private, it wouldn't be ruining it, in a way it might even evolve your notebooks as a truer extension of yourself.

I burned my notebooks because they were read and used against me by some mean people but I massively regret it. I think it also depends how much you value being remembered in a more true way or just through grief and memories. Good post OP

 

[balancingaqt]

I've mentioned in the suicide note that I carry with me everywhere the location of my personal journals. I've kept them hidden for obvious reasons, they are the most honest reflection of my everyday thoughts. They're like my "best friend" - I don't have any close friends. They record every emotion, every thought, every idea, every experience.
When I die I hope that my family gets them, and maybe get to understand the real me, the parts of me I keep hidden. The ultimate reason is that I hope they'll forgive me for leaving, and finally understand why I made the decision to CTB.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

My last indecision... I have probably 30+ full journals on my bookshelf from the past five years, everyone knows I'm crazy over notebooks, pens, etc. In a weird way I kinda feel like they're the truest reflection of myself, I'm a little proud whenever someone notices them and sometimes I'll flip through a few pages to show them my writings, drawings, ticket stubs, pressed flowers, photos, cards, souvenirs from travels, letters from friends, dumb memes I printed out. Just the ephemera of my life really. A kind of daily scrapbook almost. It's been incredibly therapeutic for me over the years.

But most of them also contain intensely private writings, secrets...how much I despise my mother, past abuse, half-written suicide notes, embarassing crushes, losing my virginity, side effects of meds, drug use, mental illness my family doesn't know about...sexual assault...what I discuss with my therapist....and just plain dramatic emotional ranting during episodes towards people that were in the moment and truly do not reflect how I actually feel now....

But I still can't bring myself to burn them or throw them away. I love looking back and reading things I had forgotten, seeing how much I've changed. I dunno. I have no problem deleting my browser history and wiping my phone but my journals mean so much more to me. But again, do I really want my family and younger siblings reading that? I just haven't been able to reach a decision yet.

My last indecision... I have probably 30+ full journals on my bookshelf from the past five years, everyone knows I'm crazy over notebooks, pens, etc. In a weird way I kinda feel like they're the truest reflection of myself, I'm a little proud whenever someone notices them and sometimes I'll flip through a few pages to show them my writings, drawings, ticket stubs, pressed flowers, photos, cards, souvenirs from travels, letters from friends, dumb memes I printed out. Just the ephemera of my life really. A kind of daily scrapbook almost. It's been incredibly therapeutic for me over the years.

But most of them also contain intensely private writings, secrets...how much I despise my mother, past abuse, half-written suicide notes, embarassing crushes, losing my virginity, side effects of meds, drug use, mental illness my family doesn't know about...sexual assault...what I discuss with my therapist....and just plain dramatic emotional ranting during episodes towards people that were in the moment and truly do not reflect how I actually feel now....

But I still can't bring myself to burn them or throw them away. I love looking back and reading things I had forgotten, seeing how much I've changed. I dunno. I have no problem deleting my browser history and wiping my phone but my journals mean so much more to me. But again, do I really want my family and younger siblings reading that? I just haven't been able to reach a decision yet.

Already getting rid of paperwork. A little at a time. Most of my clothes are gone, and pressies for Christmas wrapped and ready to go. Computer is going to be tossed into the ocean and...voila...done.

 

[Empty Smile]

I have a lot of writings on my phone, along with pictures about death, that I never show anyone. I am taking my phone to my final spot, but I will not open any text messages or answer the phone as it will show the police the closest phone tower you are at.

I'm going to destroy my phone by tossing it into the campfire I make. Not because of my writings or pictures, but I will not leave any trace of this site. I'm not risking SS getting shut down because of me. Fuck that.

 

[Karl]

had texts on various subjects, but as the date of my ctb approach, I cleaned my room and threw most of it away, leaving only the texts I did when I was depressed. when I tried to commit suicide, I took them and put it in a separate trash bin, in a different place, so if I died they would throw the bag away without knowing what was inside, but If i would survive and then I could get the texts back. I do not want anyone to read

 

[UnknownOutlaw]

I wrote plenty of Journals though I've since destroyed almost every scrap of writing I've ever done.
It's all dust in the wind now.

 

[BangBangBang]

I have deleted almost everything from my laptop and phone I only left pictures & videos I want them to see :)
I had a video of two of my childhood friends drunk kissing each other passionately on my laptop and oh my god they would come for me even to the 'afterlife' if someone ever saw that lol

I almost wish I could see them trembling&wondering " Did she delete it or not"
after my death

haha
well I think I may be a bit sadistic

 

[sadak_the_wanderer]

I found a bunch of my journals, I seem to have squirreled them away almost everywhere. Reading them has only confirmed my decision; I was miserable as a teenager, too. So many years have passed. If I had been told "it gets better" then, I would know it now for a lie.

I'll be shredding every last bit of them, of course. I've been very careful to leave little behind which would hint at my course of action.

 

[worldexploder]

I don't have a traditional diary. Wha I write on SS is sort of like journaling. I wouldn't delete anything.

 

[Ghab]

I've just started writing one on my iPad with the hopes that my family will find it when I die.

 

[whywait]

Thanks all for responding, it's helpful to see what others think! For myself I think I'll rip out a few of the more personal secrets and leave the less controversial stuff behind.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

I have so many journals. I still go back and forth between leaving or destroying them.

I sometimes want to explain myself. Explain my decision. Then I wonder who'll really give a damn or understand anyway.

As scattered and neurotic as my thoughts may be, they are mine. Why cast my pearls before swine?

 

[Trashcan]

I saw something saying that suicide costs the US over 9 billion a year. It sounds like BS. Someone did the math and said that would be $1.5 million per person, or if you include attempted suicides, $60,000 per person. Sounds like BS. I mean, most people who ctb are elderly. And do these people really think that young people who ctb would be in a state to work full time for several decades?

But let's assume for a second that's true. That would be why they want to keep us alive.

 

[Motherfly]

Yep. Used to write short stories. Its all in a bag ready to throw out with other embarassing items that I don't want my familly to find like a couple dildos and buttplugs.

 

[Motherfly]

I saw something saying that suicide costs the US over 9 billion a year. It sounds like BS. Someone did the math and said that would be $1.5 million per person, or if you include attempted suicides, $60,000 per person. Sounds like BS. I mean, most people who ctb are elderly. And do these people really think that young people who ctb would be in a state to work full time for several decades?

But let's assume for a second that's true. That would be why they want to keep us alive.

Oh let's not fool ourselfs. Its definetly the reason why assisted suicide is not legal. Purely and simply an economic reason. The government needs their workers, buyers, tax payers and baby makers. Were just meat buddy, were meaningless little ants in a meaningless and overcomplicated anthill.

 

[Eowyn]

I have a couple of journals too, one that I've had the past 5 years. Every so often I do a 'purge' of the pages... that is, defacing or burning certain pages that I wouldn't want anyone to read after I'm gone.

I'm not sure if anyone would read them though, if anything I think the police would seek to destroy them because that's what they did with the suicide note that I had taped on the inside of the car when they found me after my more recent attempt... they like destroying the truth.

But it was MY life, and MY truth.x