Discussion Anyone way too scared to leave anyone behind?

[SpiroSundae]

I am ready to die, without a shred doubt. But I've come to a point in my life where a lot of people love me. I have a wife and I cannot bear the thought of leaving her behind. She has an amazing soul, but I absolutely cannot keep living anymore. It's the one thing holding me back, and it's holding me back hard. Sick of pretending, hurts more everyday. I'm just stuck in this life. Part of me just wants to do something fucking stupid to push her away to let her at least emotionally process and get used to not being together anymore before I do it.

 

[MovingOn]

This is something you're going to have to spend a lot of time thinking about. What you want in this situation. No one can really give you an answer to this.
Me, I've never had any relationship of any kind. Not parents, friends or anything else.

 

[SpiroSundae]

This is something you're going to have to spend a lot of time thinking about. What you want in this situation. No one can really give you an answer to this.
Me, I've never had any relationship of any kind. Not parents, friends or anything else.

I oddly envy people who haven't experienced such. Grass is always greener i guess. Thanks for your reply :3

 

[jodes2]

Ever time I've felt suicidal since I got my SN I've held back so I don't hurt my gf. She said she'd never recover and wouldn't want anyone else. I can't put her through years of grief without cuddles

 

[Dizzylady80]

I'd recommend against pushing people away as that could further hurt them. Have you talked to her about being suicidal?

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I am ready to die, without a shred doubt. But I've come to a point in my life where a lot of people love me. I have a wife and I cannot bear the thought of leaving her behind. She has an amazing soul, but I absolutely cannot keep living anymore. It's the one thing holding me back, and it's holding me back hard. Sick of pretending, hurts more everyday. I'm just stuck in this life. Part of me just wants to do something fucking stupid to push her away to let her at least emotionally process and get used to not being together anymore before I do it.

Yes. Yes yes. My wife and my dog. I feel this so deeply. I don't think pushing your wife away would help the situation unfortunately, though I know the pain of hurting her is agonizing. I try to convince myself it won't matter because I won't feel anything when I'm dead but I just love her too much. I don't want to be in pain my whole life for her though. I feel so trapped and selfish.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

This really hit home with me. The only reason I'm still here is because of my wife and son

 

[stermc]

I totally get that. I feel really bad about leaving my mom and sister. Not only leaving them, but also making them go through this kind of pain. They know I am suicidal and they've known it since the beginning because I was just a child when it all began, but they've done everything they can to help me. They are everything to me, really. The only reason I am still here.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

The only thing that holds me here is my cat

 

[Raven2]

The only thing that keeps me on this planet are my kids and family. I've read risk of suicide increasing if having lost a parent to suicide and dont want that for my kids. My family would grieve and eventually move on but with my kids I can just imagine it having an awful affect on them.

 

[Lavender Dreams]

Extremely sorry about that. Pushing anyone away in the last moments is not the way though. They will feel awful that they couldn'tbe there for you in the final moments. Seek recovery if possible. As for oneself, it's cats. The others will move on and perhaps comprehend but the little critters will have no idea.

 

[BornToFail]

No, I am very sorry.

 

[BrainBloodClots]

This makes me realize literally how different everyone's situations are. Many of you have people in your life that keep you from CTB. I'm viewing it from a different lens. I have a dear, sweet significant other. I see the stress and strain that my care puts on them, and keeps them from living life to the fullest. It's not my fault, as I'm in a horrendous medical situation. Just a difficult situation all the way around.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

If I become independent, I can kill myself with the knowledge my family is proud of me.

 

[PurpleMonkey]

Speak to your significant other about your suicidal thoughts and explore your feelings, anxieties and hardships. If there's an external devil like clinical depression or gender dysphoria tampering with your well-being then it should be tackled with genuine concern.

As for me? I have convinced myself that I will never be capable of taking care of my near-elderly parents and autistic brother. They're more or less destined to a future of poverty and despair with or without me so why should I burden myself and them? I am so emotionally removed at this point that CTB will have a much shorter-term negative impact on them than another several decades worth of disappointment so yeah, I am much more looking forward to a humane end than a crumbling future.

 

[Chronicoverwhelm]

I'm only here for my dog and I hope I have SN ready to take the day after she leaves me (she's a senior). But I desperately, desperately, desperately wish I could make CTB look like an accident so as not to hurt my dad, my brother & his wife and a couple of close friends. Life keeps getting worse and is going to get substantially worse and I can't do this anymore. But it kills me knowing I'm going to hurt people, especially the friend who tries so, so hard to stop my life from being a living hell.

 

[SpiroSundae]

Yes. Yes yes. My wife and my dog. I feel this so deeply. I don't think pushing your wife away would help the situation unfortunately, though I know the pain of hurting her is agonizing. I try to convince myself it won't matter because I won't feel anything when I'm dead but I just love her too much. I don't want to be in pain my whole life for her though. I feel so trapped and selfish.

Yup we have a gecko, so i understand the pet aspect. I try to tell myself the exact same thing, that i wont be around to see or feel it. but knowing she will makes me so upset

This really hit home with me. The only reason I'm still here is because of my wife and son

it's exhausting staying alive for other people :x

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

id say most of us on this forum have loved ones who we feel guilty for leaving behind , in my case my pain overrides that guilt as selfish as that sounds i need to be dead. in my suicide notes and videos i will leave them i will tell them not to blame themselves and that im sorry. its all i can do but i must catch the bus.

 

[SpiroSundae]

Extremely sorry about that. Pushing anyone away in the last moments is not the way though. They will feel awful that they couldn'tbe there for you in the final moments. Seek recovery if possible. As for oneself, it's cats. The others will move on and perhaps comprehend but the little critters will have no idea.

That's a really good point, thank you :)

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Guilt and worry about what happens to my family and cats causes me pause, but I also don't want to suffer anymore. It's becoming a battle between guilt and suffering.

 

[SpiroSundae]

Speak to your significant other about your suicidal thoughts and explore your feelings, anxieties and hardships. If there's an external devil like clinical depression or gender dysphoria tampering with your well-being then it should be tackled with genuine concern.

As for me? I have convinced myself that I will never be capable of taking care of my near-elderly parents and autistic brother. They're more or less destined to a future of poverty and despair with or without me so why should I burden myself and them? I am so emotionally removed at this point that CTB will have a much shorter-term negative impact on them than another several decades worth of disappointment so yeah, I am much more looking forward to a humane end than a crumbling future.

Thank you for this, genuinely. I like the last thing you said, rather have a humane end than a crumbling future. Much love to you

Guilt and worry about what happens to my family and cats causes me pause, but I also don't want to suffer anymore. It's becoming a battle between guilt and suffering.

same, so now its this weird limbo thats just constant pain

I'd recommend against pushing people away as that could further hurt them. Have you talked to her about being suicidal?

Yeah she's fully aware of all my mental health problems and ctb ideation

 

[makethepainstop]

I am ready to die, without a shred doubt. But I've come to a point in my life where a lot of people love me. I have a wife and I cannot bear the thought of leaving her behind. She has an amazing soul, but I absolutely cannot keep living anymore. It's the one thing holding me back, and it's holding me back hard. Sick of pretending, hurts more everyday. I'm just stuck in this life. Part of me just wants to do something fucking stupid to push her away to let her at least emotionally process and get used to not being together anymore before I do it.

As there is no one who really gives a damn about me, (other than my paying the household bills so that they can sit on their asses), who would I be leaving behind?

 

[ryo the frog]

same boat, I would have carried on with ctb months ago if not for the overbearing guilt. sending love

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Yup we have a gecko, so i understand the pet aspect. I try to tell myself the exact same thing, that i wont be around to see or feel it. but knowing she will makes me so upset

it's exhausting staying alive for other people :x

I feel this too. So exhausted. Hugs.

 

[Doom]

its wont matter at all if you are dead. Just do what you want to do.

 

[SpiroSundae]

its wont matter at all if you are dead. Just do what you want to do.

That's what I've been trying to convince myself

 

[DejectedRealtor]

I'd recommend against pushing people away as that could further hurt them. Have you talked to her about being suicidal?

I really really agree with this. It is emotionally unfair. It helps you and doesn't help them. I'm so sorry that this is something you are going through. Would you consider speaking to someone about this to see if there is some way back for you? I'm jealous you have someone and I feel it may be worth one more try.

 

[SpiroSundae]

I really really agree with this. It is emotionally unfair. It helps you and doesn't help them. I'm so sorry that this is something you are going through. Would you consider speaking to someone about this to see if there is some way back for you? I'm jealous you have someone and I feel it may be worth one more try.

grass is always greener. Im jealous of people who dont have anyone, that would make it so much easier. but yeah, i've gathered that its not the best for me to do that

 

[Prescott241]

One of the biggest reasons for me wanting to CTB is that I don't have anyone to leave behind. So either fortunately or unfortunately, no, I won't be leaving anyone behind.