Anyone want to ctb 100% but absolutely can't, 100%?

[Supersadmommy90]

Mother of young children, life ruined, living 4 children and family, postpartum depression, litigation abuse from ex, mental breakdown the whole nine yards, death is pleasure, ecstasy, relief compared to what I experience on a daily basis. No sympathy not even my husband truly cares or feels genuine empathy bc I am such a worthless person apart from the domestic functions I perform. My husband has sensed I am on the brink and now is acting as though he loves me for fear of our children being harmed by my suicide, absence. This is not a delusion, I am being realistic, he is an actor and is just changing his strategy as he sees fit to control me. This is it for me and it will never get better, only in maybe a distant future in which I will be alone, isolated. Which is what I want, BUT in the mean time things have gotten so bad, my situation is literally impossible, it's a rubix cube that won't be solved and belongs in the trash, I'm so fucking poised and ready, BUT I can't ctb, I absolutely cannot curse my children and that is my one redeeming quality my motherhood, but STILL. I am obsessed with death and dying, I can't help but OCD fixate on it like an annoying itch I can never scratch. Furthermore I actually am excited at the thought of death, awe-struck, longing. It helps to think in terms of counting down how many years I have left, mid 30s is actually petty old tbh, I'm only willing or able to see my youngest thru to 16 more years exactly and that will be absolutely fucking it for me, at least they'll still have a piece of me left in their siblings

 

[Lady black]

You really go through hell on earth it seems

 

[MeltedJello]

I'm so sorry you have to experience all this pain, and suffering. I too also want to ctb 100%, but I can't because I rarely get any chances to. I know I'm young, and can never fully understand how you feel, or your situation, but all I can say is I wish you peace & better days. Thanks for sharing, it takes a lot of courage to do that.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

You really go through hell on earth it seems

Thank you for noticing, validating, yes my life is a living hell <3 it feels so good to admit it

I'm 50 with young kids. I'm CTBing for health reasons. But there's no other way. They will be better off without me

I often think of ppl who die thru no fault of their own, accident sickness the kids DO survive and recover BUT it is easier to move on from an involuntary death. Where I am able bodied I can't justify depriving my children of their parent, at least it is a daily struggle to maintain their needs above my need to die This need of mine is legiimate too and eventually it will supercede my best intentions and I'm sure of that. A debilitating health condition would be the exception if you feel you would unduly burden and I think that for your family that should be perfectly understandable

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like a horrible situation you are in. Life is just so cruel, you do not deserve this suffering. I am fully pro choice, meaning I believe we have the right to exit this world at a time of our choosing, we have no obligations to stay alive as we did not ask to exist. Nobody should be in a position where they feel like they are forced to live, but I know it is difficult when you have children. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

It sounds like a horrible situation you are in. Life is just so cruel, you do not deserve this suffering. I am fully pro choice, meaning I believe we have the right to exit this world at a time of our choosing, we have no obligations to stay alive as we did not ask to exist. Nobody should be in a position where they feel like they are forced to live, but I know it is difficult when you have children. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Thank you for the pro choice argument as I am still in a very low place and I would like the option even if it may cause untold grief and pain, in a sense I am blinded by my own pain and the conditions of life which I find intolerable whereas my children are young and can still get it right and end up reasonably happy- although I don't know how happy they can truly be without their mother and this is the kicker and the only thing that makes me fear god

 

[toforigivelife]

I take that you and your children do not have a safe place to go. A place where you can try and deal with what you're dealing with while getting a break from the pressures you're facing? A friend? A family member?

I'm also going to assume that professional help is not the answer. Professional help - psychologists, psychiatrists, medications - they're not always what they're cracked up to be. But some do find relief. I don't know if you want to try professional help.

Worrying about your children while you and your mental health are in this state? My God you are in a very, very tough place. A tough and anguished place. Anguished probably isn't a strong enough word.

There is a quote about suicidal people and how they agonize over how their suicide is going to affect others, "Your love for them does not negate their suffering."

I'm not trying to be cold to your kids. I guess I'm trying to remove a layer of torment and silence that voice that screams at you when you address your pain by saying, yes, of course you are concerned about your children and love them beyond measure. But that doesn't mean your suffering isn't genuine.

I wish there was someone that you could turn to. Someone who would help you feel loved and safe during this time.

 

[deflationary]

I'm glad that you're staying alive for your kids, OP. Hopefully you'll be able to find some meaning and happiness from your relationship with them and things will become easier for you over time.

I'm also basically in the situation of being 100% ready to go but at the same time 100% sure that I can't or won't. Maybe more like 95% for the latter. The reasons aren't exactly the same though.

It sucks a lot. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that this is worse than being literally thrown in jail would be for someone that wanted to live.

I am fully pro choice, meaning I believe we have the right to exit this world at a time of our choosing, we have no obligations to stay alive as we did not ask to exist.

The kids also didn't ask to exist. You can't just create someone and then leave them alone in a world like this. As a parent you should absolutely take on the responsibility of staying alive for your kids.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

The kids also didn't ask to exist. You can't just create someone and then leave them alone in a world like this. As a parent you should absolutely take on the responsibility of staying alive for your kids.

At least until they hit adulthood. Tough choice either way.

 

[cambrai33]

You win this battle each and every day somehow, the strength that must take shows how strong you really are inside. They still need you and whilst ctb runs throughout your mind the kids are still what keeps you going each day

i think you are amazing to wake up and keep going with all that is happening, I hope things get better for you and that those moments of happiness however small give you that glimmer of hope to keep fighting

 

[Labean]

Пришлось отложить стб. на десять лет из-за детей. И я ни о чем не жалею. Ты сильнее, чем думаешь. У вас все получится, откажитесь от себя, живите для них. А потом решите, что делать дальше.

 

[Robin]

Ja

 

[Insomniac]

you're in hell.

I used to think that people had children because they wanted to give love. But people have children simply as a survival instinct.

it sounds like your children will suffer tremendously no matter wwhat. so don't worry so much about them, think only of yourself. because if you stop being selfish then that's when they're in real danger.