Anyone struggling to recover?

[sanction]

As much as I want to try recovering (mainly due to no choice, because CTB is difficult lol), I am just dreading the future decades. Not sure how I'm going to get through these next few decades, even if I tried my best. Because its not that simple

There is just a lot of endless effort required, yet there isn't enough meaning and reward to justify it. In other words, its just a form of torture. At this point, it is obvious I will eventually CTB either way. Just delaying it

I simply have no motivation to go through all this, just to slowly decline, reach senior age, and end up experiencing sickness & disease. Also will need to witness family members die first (of old age), and then afterwards will just be myself left.... for the remaining decades

I don't have interest to start a family. So its mainly just constant work to make money and survive alone. Realistically speaking, majority of the next few decades will be spent by myself. Even if I were to find friends to go have a drink or dinner once in a while, it still only makes up a very tiny percentage of the time. I'm estimating over 90% of the next few decades will mainly be alone, in some shape or form

Every year will just feel increasingly exhausted of this pointless routine, as it further compounds year by year. Just can't help but compare it to CTB lol. Since its just a few quick minutes of pain & discomfort, and then its instantly over

Anyone else dreading the future years and decades???

 

[matt1968]

I really feel your words they so resonate with me.

This latest acute episode I've had with my mental health has end up with me really despairing because of the thoughts that you have really eloquently expressed.

Sending you my best wishes.

 

[sanction]

I really feel your words they so resonate with me.

This latest acute episode I've had with my mental health has end up with me really despairing because of the thoughts that you have really eloquently expressed.

Sending you my best wishes.

Its just a constant dread. Because its not like I come from rich family. So need to fight everyday to survive. But while clearly knowing, this daily effort and fighting simply won't have enough meaning in the long-term to make it worth it

So its clearly a very meaningless fight, while can't afford to not fight, because no one to truly rely on. All this effort to survive everyday, just to build towards a pointless future

Only can turn to CTB if want to escape this. Feeling so helpless and painful

 

[BorderlineChellery]

I completely understand what you're saying. The anxiety of thinking I could live another 50 years is overwhelming.

I've been in a bad place now for around 3 years and it's been getting worse since the start of this year.

I don't understand why MH professionals are so adamant that I should keep living. Everyday is suffering. It's my life, my body and yet it feels like it's not my choice

 

[sanction]

I completely understand what you're saying. The anxiety of thinking I could live another 50 years is overwhelming.

I've been in a bad place now for around 3 years and it's been getting worse since the start of this year.

I don't understand why MH professionals are so adamant that I should keep living. Everyday is suffering. It's my life, my body and yet it feels like it's not my choice

I feel you

I would gladly keep putting effort and stay until the very end, no matter how long, if there was at least some meaning to it

But when there isn't, or simply not enough, then those decades ahead are a pure dread and torture

 

[slightoverlooked]

Same here. Recovery is hard and I am just giving life one last chance for my mom. I told myself I will hold out till I am either 25 or till I finish my bachelor degree. If i dont feel good till then I will probably ctb.
I hope that delaying ctb might show us that we dont have to ctb. Wishing you the best.
Tbh I am struggling with anorexia and even if i dont ctb im sure i wont grow old (at least not over 35) if i keep restricting this much. I already experience chest pain so idk.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I can relate to struggling to recover, but where we diverge is I do see a meaning and reward in putting in all the effort. It will remain a lifelong battle with constant diligence and maintenance- and I'll forever deal with slip-ups and relapses that will happen somewhere down the line- but I think the hard work will pay off. Recovery is incredibly hard and I get off on overcoming the struggle and seeing the other side. It's one of my main motivators.

I'm curious as to why you don't find recovery worth it. The impression I got from your post is that life is mundane and pointless from your perspective. Am I correct in that assumption?

What strikes me the most about your post is you mention loneliness. I don't feel I deserve recovery or that it is worth it when I'm feeling lonely either. Do you think there is any way to combat your loneliness? You mention you have no desire to start a family, but I'm sure lonely people with families and well connected people without exist.

For the record, I have no desire to start a family either, and don't feel lonely at the moment. There are other alternatives to having that sense of kinship I think.

While I can't exactly relate, I commend you for being open and honest about where you're at in your recovery. I hope you can find some camaraderie and are able to stumble upon a viable solution that works for you, whatever the decision may be.

@slightoverlooked Delaying CTB has been a very helpful strategy in ultimately not going through with it for me. Having to wait for a certain period of time often proves to me that CTB was not the only answer after all.

 

[slightoverlooked]

Delaying CTB has been a very helpful strategy in ultimately not going through with it for me. Having to wait for a certain period of time often proves to me that CTB was not the only answer after all.

Yeah same. Even tho I did try to attempt multiple times it wasn't successful and all of it was impulsive.
Sometimes when I am having a good moment I think to myself that maybe it wasnt the wrong choice to delay ctb.
The tired person inside me though is trying to rush her degree as fast as possible to finally ctb.
I dont know for now I am attempting recovery (kind of)

 

[sanction]

I can relate to struggling to recover, but where we diverge is I do see a meaning and reward in putting in all the effort. It will remain a lifelong battle with constant diligence and maintenance- and I'll forever deal with slip-ups and relapses that will happen somewhere down the line- but I think the hard work will pay off. Recovery is incredibly hard and I get off on overcoming the struggle and seeing the other side. It's one of my main motivators.

I'm curious as to why you don't find recovery worth it. The impression I got from your post is that life is mundane and pointless from your perspective. Am I correct in that assumption?

What strikes me the most about your post is you mention loneliness. I don't feel I deserve recovery or that it is worth it when I'm feeling lonely either. Do you think there is any way to combat your loneliness? You mention you have no desire to start a family, but I'm sure lonely people with families and well connected people without exist.

For the record, I have no desire to start a family either, and don't feel lonely at the moment. There are other alternatives to having that sense of kinship I think.

While I can't exactly relate, I commend you for being open and honest about where you're at in your recovery. I hope you can find some camaraderie and are able to stumble upon a viable solution that works for you, whatever the decision may be.

@slightoverlooked Delaying CTB has been a very helpful strategy in ultimately not going through with it for me. Having to wait for a certain period of time often proves to me that CTB was not the only answer after all.

I think its not a straight forward answer. Overall it also has to do with past experiences, family background, age/ stage of life, financial situation, and etc. to determine if its worth resolving the loneliness issue

Because at the end of the day, at this day and age, as long as you're motivated to meet new people, there are endless sites and apps to either meet friends, lovers, or even join various in-person groups and communities. If were to start today, then in a month from now, could already spark new connections

For my situation, I have already invested many years (over a decade) into forming certain friendships. However, due to some bad luck, a reasonable number of them couldn't work out, which became pretty soul draining. As for my family, they are strange and not easy to get along with

So with this relationship / love part, not able to yield some meaningful feeling, life just feels empty. If I didn't need to work and make money everyday, then sure, maybe I would be a bit more motivated to deal with it. But due to life already being so overwhelming and time consuming just to survive, so don't have energy to change it anymore

Long story short, after almost 7 years of being depressed, my whole view of this world has already shifted. CTB is indeed not a bad thing at all, just that its so damn difficult lol, so now just stuck here, and everything becomes complicated because of it

But thanks for hearing me rant and your input

 

[Valky]

Absolutely, it is important to take into account where you would like yourself to be, in a few years. I know that that is a very common thing to say and therefore may just sound like an empty platitude but you really should live life one step at a time and see what the future holds for you. If you are certain that it can only turn out bad then it might turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Give yourself time.

 

[Andrews]

I know that feeling, it's like we just sit and watch life unfold like a movie. The desire to get out of this movie is natural.

If you analyze it closely and rationally, that's when you see it's ugliness at it's most. Even if sometimes it disguises itself to be something else to fool us, that's what it is.
I think even people with beautiful lives feel it.

Maybe try not to be so rational. The easiest is to think the future will be just like the past, or the past of others around. But we don't really know... there might be events that will change the way we live to something even dystopian.
I remember one day, after 2 years of corona restrictions, it felt so awesome to eat meatballs again at Ikea lol, with dozens of people around me. Everyone was like in that Christmas vibe.
Recently I remembered about a club where used to go when I was young. So I went and it felt like a place stuck in time, with the same music and the same young people. It was a great new feeling.
Life can offer new experiences, but we have to make them happen, otherwise it just goes on autopilot until the end.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Yeah same. Even tho I did try to attempt multiple times it wasn't successful and all of it was impulsive.

Contrary to popular belief, suicides are more likely to be impulsive than premeditated and planned in advance. It's why I don't buy the idea of, "if a person really wanted to kill themselves, they'd just do it." In many cases, suicides arise from an acute crisis and could have been prevented.

Spoiler: Disclaimer!!!

While I support suicide prevention in theory, the current execution sucks. I also support the right to die and think some people unfortunately cannot be saved.

Sometimes when I am having a good moment I think to myself that maybe it wasnt the wrong choice to delay ctb.
The tired person inside me though is trying to rush her degree as fast as possible to finally ctb.

The tug-o-war of wanting to recover but also wanting to say "fuck it" is so relatable.

The nice part about delaying ctb is you can always do it later if recovery doesn't work out. CTB however is irreversible and permanent.

I dont know for now I am attempting recovery (kind of)

Good luck!



I think it's commendable you're holding out for your mom btw. I can tell you're a good person. Hopefully you can find a reason to recover for yourself someday. I find that makes it easier to stick with recovery. Well, it does for me at least.

For my situation, I have already invested many years (over a decade) into forming certain friendships. However, due to some bad luck, a reasonable number of them couldn't work out, which became pretty soul draining.

I'm sorry to hear that, and it's understandable you'd be burnt out under such circumstances.

As for my family, they are strange and not easy to get along with

I don't know your family (obviously) but my biological family is crazy and hard to deal with most of the time. I'm fortunate to have a secondary family I found kinship with, so my perspective is biased, but I never chose my "real" family so not letting them get me down is kind of my motto anymore.

Dysfunctional families are difficult to deal with though and it makes sense you're in pain if that's the case.

So with this relationship / love part, not able to yield some meaningful feeling, life just feels empty. If I didn't need to work and make money everyday, then sure, maybe I would be a bit more motivated to deal with it. But due to life already being so overwhelming and time consuming just to survive, so don't have energy to change it anymore

The ultimate meaninglessness/emptiness of life is something depressives are more sensitive to, I think. We were born by random chance without our consent and soon we will die. It really does make one question the point of enduring all of life's stressors for sure. All moments of pleasure are a distraction from the mundanity of life if you think of it.

The meaningless of life is kind of why I'm grateful to be alive. If you think about it, humans are so insignificant in comparison to the vastness of the universe. There's no reason to exist, and the fact that I do makes me want to cherish the opportunity.

Of course the emptiness and stress still gets to me from time to time. It's a work in progress.

I do feel you on hating having to work for a living though. I hate being caged by capitalism too.

Long story short, after almost 7 years of being depressed, my whole view of this world has already shifted. CTB is indeed not a bad thing at all, just that its so damn difficult lol, so now just stuck here, and everything becomes complicated because of it

I have reoccurring depression, so my episodes come in waves. I couldn't imagine being depressed for seven consecutive years straight. It makes sense you're so tired.

What makes ctb difficult for you?

But thanks for hearing me rant and your input

Any time. My pms are always open (admittedly I'm bad at responding to them however.)

I'm glad you appreciate my input. I'm sorry I don't have practical advice, but I do have empathy for your situation. I hope you find peace someday.

I think even people with beautiful lives feel it.

Kevin Spacey had to ruin it, but one of the reasons I loved American Beauty is it depicts the pain, boredom and existential angst people who have perfect lives on paper experience.

Existence is pain and confusion for everyone. Knowing this makes it easier to push on and live. Extending my compassion and trying to eliminate pain to others as much as I can feels like the least I can do for people. We're all in this shit together.