Anyone really hard on themselves for having depression?

[Rob1984]

I've had pretty bad depression for a lot of my life, and I've always been really hard on myself for it. As a teenager, I remember I would not accept or entertain the idea that I had depression because then it would make me feel ungrateful for the stuff I have in life. I find myself occasionally envying people that appear to have a more comfortable life than me, which feeds my depression, but then I get upset with myself because I am aware that there are likely millions of people on this planet who have it worse than me, yet here I am dwelling about my problems which are probably pretty trivial in the grand scheme of my existence. It causes a lot of guilt/shame, which then turns into a sort of feedback loop where I feel depressed, then I get angry at myself for having depression because my life "isn't that bad," and then I feel more depressed, which makes me even angrier, ad nauseam. I guess the best way of putting it is: I feel guilty for being so depressed, and it only causes me to be even more depressed.

Anyone else here sometimes really hard on themselves for feeling depressed?

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes. Didn't even know what depression was until the age of 30. Assumed I was weak minded and generally fucked up. Still hate myself for it.

 

[Someone123]

Id o get upset with myself that I didn't figure out how to protect myself from my parnets growing up, they were experts on mental and emotional abise, extremely severe, and I wish I could have figured out who could help and how sooner. Honestly it was such a messs and so confusing that I'm not sure how I could have, but I might have- it is clear that a couple aunts in my family were my best hope, butg I didn't knwo it then. This abuse also left me vulnerable to other really mean people. I do think this was worse than physical abuse, because then you have something you can show someone, some bruises, etc., and ask for help- or maybe someone could see the marks of abuse and get help for you. They were extremely cruel, and I do wonder if they have faced any justice in the next life- sadly I doubt it. I do think that anyone deserves hell, but they do deservee to experience what they did to me- over the same period of time, but that's just wishful thinking.

 

[Gaga786]

I've had pretty bad depression for a lot of my life, and I've always been really hard on myself for it. As a teenager, I remember I would not accept or entertain the idea that I had depression because then it would make me feel ungrateful for the stuff I have in life. I find myself occasionally envying people that appear to have a more comfortable life than me, which feeds my depression, but then I get upset with myself because I am aware that there are likely millions of people on this planet who have it worse than me, yet here I am dwelling about my problems which are probably pretty trivial in the grand scheme of my existence. It causes a lot of guilt/shame, which then turns into a sort of feedback loop where I feel depressed, then I get angry at myself for having depression because my life "isn't that bad," and then I feel more depressed, which makes me even angrier, ad nauseam. I guess the best way of putting it is: I feel guilty for being so depressed, and it only causes me to be even more depressed.

Anyone else here sometimes really hard on themselves for feeling depressed?

Your post resonates with me; It makes me feel validated because our thoughts, that you described, seem to be homogeneous. I, too, envy my peers a lot, who seem to be thriving in life. My cousins are doing amazing: they all have confidence instilled within them, by their parents, because they had an animated childhood infused with love and care, unlike me. I do concede the fact that my life isn't that egregious and my trauma isn't that severe, but ultimately, it becomes a vicious cycle of thinking. I wish you the best, and I want you to know that you aren't alienated or isolated.. We are all here for you!

 

[justwanasleep]

I've been diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti depressants but I've lost sight of what it means. I have always been very sad and very sensitive for as far back as my memories go. I now don't believe I'm depressed I think Im a cog in the machine that can't turn correctly. With that being said I fucking hate myself and can't wait to swing from a strong anchor point so maybe I am depressed. Im never 100% sure what the fuck is wrong with me but the self loathing is always there.

 

[Szinuus]

No, I dont. Its a completely normal thing when chronic pain kicks in.

 

[Himalayan]

I don't hate myself. Serves no purpose, i couldn't handle my fears before and now i can. It's as simple as that. Now was i weak? Yes. Should i be ashamed? I don't think so, our society doesn't really promote mental toughness, nor explain how to achieve it.

 

[spoiledsick]

yes, i feel guilty for having been depressed almost my whole life (starting around age five), especially knowing how much worse other people have it. i try so hard to be thankful for the roof over my head, food on the table, warm bed to sleep in at night, hearing my children laughing, having a husband who holds me close and wants to do anything he can to help me through this. i do still feel small pleasure from these moments, i do still see the beauty in it, but somehow nothing is ever enough. the biggest, most pervasive feeling/thought/emotion i have consistently experienced in my life has been my desire to be dead. the joy or pain of any other sensation is numbed and tempered by my seemingly inborn death wish. no amount of help has ever shifted the weight of death off my mind. so, yeah, i'm right here with you, ungrateful just the same.

 

[ksp]

i don't know how to make this clearer:

You are allowed to your suffering !
You are entitled to your own misery !

you are compounding your depression with the feedback loop of guilt (i liked the way you phrased it)
you are your own worst enemy - you are realizing this yourself

you read this forum to get validation that you refuse to give to yourself

the forum is good, because the rest of the world will always shut you down and make you feel worse than before, but when you stop reading the forum you inevitably go back to your environment, and this is where your inner demons reside - 99% of every day

it's much harder to 'fix' the depression: my life "isn't that bad" - this is extremely subjective, so stop comparing your suffering to other people (they might have coping mechanisms not available to you); this why i strongly believe that people have to right to not be judged

but at least stop feeling guilty about it; you are the best validation for your pain, not this website, so at least try to remember this, every minute of every day:

You are allowed to your suffering !

 

[BurningMan]

I am. I remember as a child I could feel my anxiety start to develop and people would bat it off as nothing and tell me to grow up and now I'm here. I tried to talk about it with adults and I was ignored and I have this bitter sensation towards that part of my life wondering if things had been interfered with would I be happier and more successful?

I'll never know. Hindsight is a great thing. I just beat myself up over how pathetic my life can look but I also think that other people may have it worse… It's a constant power struggle in my head.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think I'm more selfish than you in some ways. I don't think I do feel bad or guilty for the way I feel if it's depression. Although- I do relate to that. I've had limerance quite a few times in life (obsessive crushes on people) and I used to feel all kinds of shame and guilt about that. I used to obsess about obsessing.

I actually get irritated when people try to make me feel guilty- 'look at all the good things that have happened in your life- in many ways you've had it easy' etc. I think because deep down- I resent having life. Given the choice- I wouldn't have been born in the first place.

I KNOW some people have it SO much worse than me. Just because I feel sorry for me- doesn't mean I also don't feel sorry for them. I think we all got a shit deal. I CAN also be grateful for certain things but only to an extent. If the cake is rotten, how grateful are you really going to be for the icing?

I don't think I feel like the world owes me anything. I do unfortunately envy people but I try to be realistic about it. A lot of people succeed because they put so much effort in. I used to think they had a natural advantage because maybe they had more confidence, a naturally positive attitude and weren't battling things like social anxiety. Still- I found when I talked to them- they WERE afraid, they just made themselves overcome it.

Still- I do kind of refuse to feel that guilty about being depressed. I try and avoid people for the most part- to avoid inflicting it on them. For the people I can't avoid- my family. It's hard to totally disguise that I'm unhappy but honestly- all I allow them to see is the tip of the iceberg. They may think and say- 'try and be more grateful.' I also think- perhaps you should be grateful I'm not burdening you with the worry of JUST how bad this is!

 

[aforestfire]

totally not the only one. my life is considerably good now than it was when i was a child and had a reason to be miserable, but i wasn't. now that i apparently have no reason to be miserable, i am. that only leads me to destructive and self-sabotage behavior because i want to give myself a reason to be depressed; i often wish i could give my life to anyone that'd live it better.

someone, somewhere, will always have a life worse than ours, it's a "competition" that no one wins and die in the end.

 

[Rob1984]

I don't hate myself. Serves no purpose, i couldn't handle my fears before and now i can. It's as simple as that. Now was i weak? Yes. Should i be ashamed? I don't think so, our society doesn't really promote mental toughness, nor explain how to achieve it.

You make it sound a little too simple and black&white (imo). Nobody here is hating themselves because they think it "serves a purpose" or is a productive/fruitful behavior. It's not like a light switch where we wake up and go "omg, all this time I've been hating myself has been such a waste of time, I'm going to just stop doing it from now on" and so we turn off the switch in our brain. Maybe I am misunderstanding what you said (so by all means correct me) but when you say you don't hate yourself because it serves no purpose to do so, it kinda comes across like all the people struggling with low self esteem just haven't realized it's a waste of energy to do so. It really isn't as you said "as simple as that"

 

[Himalayan]

You make it sound a little too simple and black&white (imo). Nobody here is hating themselves because they think it "serves a purpose" or is a productive/fruitful behavior. It's not like a light switch where we wake up and go "omg, all this time I've been hating myself has been such a waste of time, I'm going to just stop doing it from now on" and so we turn off the switch in our brain. Maybe I am misunderstanding what you said (so by all means correct me) but when you say you don't hate yourself because it serves no purpose to do so, it kinda comes across like all the people struggling with low self esteem just haven't realized it's a waste of energy to do so. It really isn't as you said "as simple as that"

I don't care if it's simple or not. There's no alternative, therapy is a joke, pills are worse, if you give up on yourself you're dying. I didn't try to impose this on you, you live as you want.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

Absolutely. I know despite some circumstances, I've had a relatively ok life. There are people that care for me as much as they can and love me as much as they're able. But it just doesn't feel like enough. I haven't lived a particularly hard or cruel life, just one that's immensely unfulfilling. I just feel like I'm kind of there and getting emptier as time goes on. But then I feel guilty because I know people have it much worse than me.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I hate that I am weak and my brain doesn't work. I hate that I'm defective. I hate that I'm a failure.

 

[Jimblue]

I hate myself so much and I can not give up the idea that if I destroyed myself that my husband would recover from his illness and reach the happiness

 

[throwawayyy]

Yup add ADD and anxiety!

 

[Wannagonow]

No. I absolutely don't feel guilty about being depressed. That would imply I have control as to whether I am depressed. I feel sad and angry about it but no guilt.

 

[CowsAgainstCapitali]

Absolutely. I feel guilty for feeling hopeless. "What right do I have to be depressed? First world problems? That's your emotional weakness" I'm privilegedAF. Why don't I just be happy with what I have, which honestly is a ton? I wish I could somehow donate my body to someone who could use it. Someone who would be grateful, unlike me.