Anyone planning to ctb because of unrelenting, unending exhaustion and complete inability to function?

[BlazingBob]

Just wondering how many others are dealing with debilitating exhaustion.

 

[alonely]

I'm exhausted from life too. I've tried over and over and I'm back at 0 again. I don't have any fight left in me to keep going again.

 

[todiefor]

I am so tired and exhausted from this year of life. Just so tired and done. I wish I can sleep forever but always wake up after 8 hours.

 

[Clut]

I'm kind of exhausted most of the time whilst simultaneously still feeling myself go 100 miles an hour. I don't know how to explain it but it has to stop

 

[lsssrrr]

I started exercising and it seemed to help. Just 15 or 30 minutes a day at home with an instructional Youtube video. Sometimes it takes me 2 hours to do 15 minutes (pausing a lot), but it feels like it "cleans the cobwebs" out of my body.

But when the depression hit it became pretty impossible to keep exercising. I just think, what's the point?

 

[dogtired]

Yep, this is my only reason for wanting to CTB. I have ME/CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) and it's completely ruined my life. 12% of people with the condition die by suicide and I'm surprised it's not more. People who haven't experienced fatigue so all-encompassing that you can't live your life can never understand what it's like.

Have you had any medical tests done? You might have ME/CFS too in which case you're fucked bc there's no cure, but there are a bunch of other conditions that cause fatigue which can be treated so might be worth asking your doctor for some blood tests if you haven't already.

 

[BlazingBob]

Yep, this is my only reason for wanting to CTB. I have ME/CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) and it's completely ruined my life. 12% of people with the condition die by suicide and I'm surprised it's not more. People who haven't experienced fatigue so all-encompassing that you can't live your life can never understand what it's like.

Have you had any medical tests done? You might have ME/CFS too in which case you're fucked bc there's no cure, but there are a bunch of other conditions that cause fatigue which can be treated so might be worth asking your doctor for some blood tests if you haven't already.

I've had a ton of tests and seen over 40 doctors. No answers. Of course a lot of them said it's depression but none of the treatments worked including TMS, ketamine infusions, talk therapy, SSRIs, etc. I have two hallmarks of CFS/ME which are completely unrefreshing sleep and PEM. Like if I do even a little too much I'm screwed for days. My mom has it.

I have severe, refractory, idiopathic RLS, which definitely causes exhaustion. RLS is torture. Luckily for that I'm seeing one of the top specialists in the country if not world so my bases are covered on that front. He checked my iron and a bunch of other things and everything was fine.

I've tried so many things and spent myself into destitution and have nothing to show for it except worsening symptoms and absolutely painful, debilitating exhaustion. I used to run six to eight miles several times a week, lift weights, play sports, travel. Now just getting out of bed takes a herculean effort. I've been housebound for 5 years since I had to quit my job as a professor at a small private university. If I don't pull my shit together very soon I'm going to be living on the streets. I have nowhere and no one I can turn to. I get treated like complete dog shit where I'm currently living.

Just tonight my 22 year old car took a dump. I'm running out of money and majorly stressed out over how much it's going to cost to fix. I'd love to be working if I could. I've had enough and it's just not worth living like this. No kids, never been married, family of origin are a bunch of assholes. I'm just done. Sorry for the rant.

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm mentally tired, school and life has done a number on me, I just wanna sleep, I want this pain to go away

 

[dogtired]

I've had a ton of tests and seen over 40 doctors. No answers. Of course a lot of them said it's depression but none of the treatments worked including TMS, ketamine infusions, talk therapy, SSRIs, etc. I have two hallmarks of CFS/ME which are completely unrefreshing sleep and PEM. Like if I do even a little too much I'm screwed for days. My mom has it.

I have severe, refractory, idiopathic RLS, which definitely causes exhaustion. RLS is torture. Luckily for that I'm seeing one of the top specialists in the country if not world so my bases are covered on that front. He checked my iron and a bunch of other things and everything was fine.

I've tried so many things and spent myself into destitution and have nothing to show for it except worsening symptoms and absolutely painful, debilitating exhaustion. I used to run six to eight miles several times a week, lift weights, play sports, travel. Now just getting out of bed takes a herculean effort. I've been housebound for 5 years since I had to quit my job as a professor at a small private university. If I don't pull my shit together very soon I'm going to be living on the streets. I have nowhere and no one I can turn to. I get treated like complete dog shit where I'm currently living.

Just tonight my 22 year old car took a dump. I'm running out of money and majorly stressed out over how much it's going to cost to fix. I'd love to be working if I could. I've had enough and it's just not worth living like this. No kids, never been married, family of origin are a bunch of assholes. I'm just done. Sorry for the rant.

Since you have PEM and have had symptomatically similar conditions ruled out it does unfortunately sound likely to be ME/CFS. So sorry to hear this, your situation sounds so difficult. This illness strips you of everything that makes life worth living. I've also experienced RLS as part of opioid withdrawal and it was awful - can't imagine living with it permanently.

I've also spent thousands on treatments that haven't helped, seen one of the UK's leading fatigue specialists and I take 30 supplements a day with no improvements. Currently trying the Perrin osteopathic technique and the Optimum Health Clinic program (which seems like expensive bullshit so far) and just started low dose naltrexone which is supposed to help. I've been ill 4 years and if I reach 5 years with no improvements I'm committing suicide because that's supposed to be the point of no return in terms of hope for recovery.

I also used to love the gym and exercising was the main way I managed my mood/mental health struggles, and that coping mechanism is gone now. Main thing I've learned is to embrace rest and stop trying to push through it because all that does is permanently lower your baseline of functioning. I've had to shake the idea of exercise as something that can help with life's problems - it is for most people but not for us any more. Selling my beloved exercise bike a few months ago felt like giving up on ever getting better but acceptance is important I guess. Good luck with it all. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

[FinalFrontier]

Yes

 

[BlazingBob]

Since you have PEM and have had symptomatically similar conditions ruled out it does unfortunately sound likely to be ME/CFS. So sorry to hear this, your situation sounds so difficult. This illness strips you of everything that makes life worth living. I've also experienced RLS as part of opioid withdrawal and it was awful - can't imagine living with it permanently.

I've also spent thousands on treatments that haven't helped, seen one of the UK's leading fatigue specialists and I take 30 supplements a day with no improvements. Currently trying the Perrin osteopathic technique and the Optimum Health Clinic program (which seems like expensive bullshit so far) and just started low dose naltrexone which is supposed to help. I've been ill 4 years and if I reach 5 years with no improvements I'm committing suicide because that's supposed to be the point of no return in terms of hope for recovery.

I also used to love the gym and exercising was the main way I managed my mood/mental health struggles, and that coping mechanism is gone now. Main thing I've learned is to embrace rest and stop trying to push through it because all that does is permanently lower your baseline of functioning. I've had to shake the idea of exercise as something that can help with life's problems - it is for most people but not for us any more. Selling my beloved exercise bike a few months ago felt like giving up on ever getting better but acceptance is important I guess. Good luck with it all. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Exactly! Thanks for your response. You summed up my dilemma quite well. It sounds like we're in the same (sinking) boat. I'm sick of watching life go by while I sit here and rot. I'll be single and alone forever because I just don't have the energy, or money, to date or sustain any kind of relationship. Golf was a huge outlet. I've tried. Like you said all the things that make life worth living are stolen. I didn't know about the 5 year mark. If true that has came and went in my case. I'm planning on partial suspension or a nitro exit bag. The thought of hell still scares the crap out of me.

 

[dogtired]

Exactly! Thanks for your response. You summed up my dilemma quite well. It sounds like we're in the same (sinking) boat. I'm sick of watching life go by while I sit here and rot. I'll be single and alone forever because I just don't have the energy, or money, to date or sustain any kind of relationship. Golf was a huge outlet. I've tried. Like you said all the things that make life worth living are stolen. I didn't know about the 5 year mark. If true that has came and went in my case. I'm planning on partial suspension or a nitro exit bag. The thought of hell still scares the crap out of me.

Yeah, not being able to sustain a relationship is another big loss with this illness. I'm lucky I've managed to maintain some friendships but dating is out of the question, as is working. Been slogging away at my degree part time for years and even if I do miraculously finish it I won't be able to have any kind of career so struggling to see the point. Exit bag seems like a good painless method from what I've read. Doubt I'd be able to pull it off logistically so I'm going down the heroin overdose route when my time comes. Death scares me too but not as much as the pain I'll leave my family with. That's the main thing keeping me here atm. Big mental hurdle to get over.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yeah, I don't have the energy for anything at all. I just sleep all day …even going out for food is a chore… I have the unrealistic Fantasy of closing my eyes, and not waking up… it's been a lifetime of errors and delusions… when I took antidepressants for 20 years I gaslighted myself into believing I had a future… Would have been better if I had taken my meager inheritance, and saved every penny… Now I'm just killing time…

 

[bedtimebabe]

This is my situation as well. I have debilitating fatigue and exhaustion and I think it's chronic fatigue syndrome though they haven't diagnosed it. Doctors haven't been able to find anything else wrong with me.
I spend most of my time housebound and bedbound, can't work, don't have energy for my hobbies either, and have given up on love and romance which would be the main thing keeping me alive. And now I am severely depressed to go along with it.
Its been over five years for me :(
I'm too depressed to fight or try any longer, I just don't care anymore, too many years and opportunities lost. I just missed a close friends wedding because I wasn't well enough to go. I hardly make an effort anymore to have friends or take care of myself, I've just given up.

i didn't know that 12% of people with the condition commit suicide, that makes sense to me. That's my plan now.

 

[Kerrtu]

I'm not at complete inability yet - I plan to CTB before it gets to that point, which is rapidly approaching. I found out the results from my first ever colonoscopy - the letter arrived this past Saturday.

I turned 40 in May, and current US guidelines are BS when it comes to colon cancer screenings. If I "stuck it out" and hung on till the bitter end, I'd be…well, I don't want to go out that way. I have hung in, hung on long enough I feel.

I told my sister I love her so much, and that it's alright - whatever happens, I was so lucky to have had her for my sister.

The physical symptoms started in December - I had been vomiting blood for a week and happened to be in the bathroom retching when I got a text from my sister. I didn't want to bother her, or stress her out, but when she heard my voice she knew. We live many states apart but she called 911 for me and got that all sorted.

I rarely ask for help and I've learned…well, forget learned, I realize now, where it comes from. Why I am that way. Trauma.

Anyway, after 2 ER's, I left with an initial misdiagnosis of gastritis. In 2 weeks I had lost close to 15lbs, had an endoscopy done which showed no ulcers but bleeding nonetheless. The next procedure was the colonoscopy, which I had been waiting for since January. From December to now, I am a shell of myself. I've lost 50 +/- lbs, can barely eat.

I feel wiped the fuck out. It's strange to feel this exhausted - I used to be so active, loved to go for walks with my dog (that's my heaven if there is one), I rode my bicycle to school each day (I had entered into Nursing school at that time).

Last night through today have been particularly difficult. I tried to eat some toast with a bit of honey and it didn't work out. I was back to vomiting and more deep, dark digested blood coming out the other end. I have near constant pain mostly in my lower right abdomen. I've gotten used to it over these past months.

Of course, as things go sometimes, last night I received an email from someone in my past. This person was the girlfriend of the woman who raped me in 2014. I know it wasn't, but my head might as well have been spinning. This person essentially paid me off in a sense - she is married and was having an affair with the woman who raped me. She pretended to be a friend towards me once she broke up with ____. She bought me gifts and was generous towards me, though it felt…off. It felt off because it was off. She was likely grooming me then, and now…

She says she's been looking for me, trying to reach me, and I had a fucking break DOWN today. I was trying so hard to be able to log in today to be amongst familiarly, friends, support but haven't been able to log in till just a bit ago. I realize this has been an issue for a most if not all here.

I'm sorry I went so long here. When I was able to actually get back in the forum, I felt relief for the first time today. This attempt to shutter the forum, if this continues, it will have a more catastrophic impact than "pro lifers" and wannabe heroes realize.

Love to you all

 

[enough of this]

Just wondering how many others are dealing with debilitating exhaustion.

I'm dealing with it - tired from and tired of.

 

[jbear824]

I am exhausted from existing and I just want to go to big sleep

 

[tora]

I have a severe sleep disorder which makes me exhausted 24/7 so as soon as I'm back from work I fall asleep. my life is just going to work then going back to sleep over and over again, I'm so sick of it I have no energy to do anything but sleep. I just want to know what it's like to rest and wake up feeling energized and refreshed.

 

[nicotine_goblin]

Can relate, been dealing with constant physical and mental fatigue for a few months now since another episode of depression began. Barely being able to work, not taking care of myself properly etc makes me want to pull the plug. Just feel like a burden to coworkers and my family, especially since I was hospitalized recently for an attempt (cutting) and supposed to be getting better. I'll try to switch meds and see if anything can help for now

 

[enough of this]

Can relate, been dealing with constant physical and mental fatigue for a few months now since another episode of depression began. Barely being able to work, not taking care of myself properly etc makes me want to pull the plug. Just feel like a burden to coworkers and my family, especially since I was hospitalized recently for an attempt (cutting) and supposed to be getting better. I'll try to switch meds and see if anything can help for now