Discussion Anyone One Here Lived In Group Homes or Foster Care System Growing up?

[Dawn0071111]

Is anyone here think that growing up in foster care/system/homes played a part in your decision to CTB?

One of the things I forgot about is living in 25 different instututons. Between age 11-18. I was taken from my "Mommie Dearest" psycho, very sick Mother who beat me every, day told me I was reason her life failed, and treated me with the most contempt, hatred.... I started having tamtrums and screaming fits... So I just kept getting moved from instituion, to group home.... I went from being a legitimate victim to a "juvenile deliinquient" all this time my "disorder" was setting in..... All those people. Staff, social workers... I never had therapy. No one addressed my abuse. It all about control. Then at age 18. I was giving a scholarship to go to college with no support or life skills. I dropped out 2 years later after going though hell on my university campus. Homeless, a scavenger trying to make it. That was 22 years ago. I was not able to be the Oprah success story. I failed. I lost.

And I realize now, that even though I wanted to leave ti behind and not blame the pat for where I am now. we are shaped by our upbrining. These were people who went to school to study how to help kids. They even sent me back to my mom at age 14. WHERE I HAD MY FIRST SUICIDE ATTEMPT. MY MOTHER IS SO COLD BLOODED THEN WHEN SHE GOT TO THE HOSPITAL I WAS ALL TUBED UP (TOOK PILLS FROM BATHROOM CABINET). SHE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO TOUCH ME. SHE REFUSED TO HUG ME BECAUSE I WAS BAD AND I HAD DISGRACED HER. So yeah.. Now that I am planning my REAL CTB. I have to take all of my lifes exerience into account.

The foster care system is a trauma of its own. I just now am seeing that. I went from one trauma to another. And now.... As I comtemplate it all. It make sense that I would ctb. The abuse scarred me at the core level. At the developmental level. I was NEVER treated with dignity, respect or love as a child or teen. Anyone in my life who can't get why I committed suicide is just being dishonest.

 

[gingerplum]

I haven't personally, but if I decide to stick around I'd really like to foster a child. Not sure if I could deal with a teenager, but I would love a baby or a younger kid. Being a mom is one thing I'm really good at.

 

[Empty Smile]

I have. I was in a group home and juvenile detention center because after my depression and anxiety kicked in, I was doing criminal mischief. I guess it was my way of trying to deal with it.

I don't think being in those places influenced my decision to ctb. I do think it prolonged my decision because I was around other kids my age, and needless to say, some of those days were pretty entertaining.

 

[gingerplum]

@EmptySmile & @Dawn0071111, were your experiences in foster care good? Were they kind to you? Finally, in an ideal situation, what could the foster parent(s) have said to you to make you feel welcome and safe?

 

[Empty Smile]

@EmptySmile & @Dawn0071111, were your experiences in foster care good? Were they kind to you? Finally, in an ideal situation, what could the foster parent(s) have said to you to make you feel welcome and safe?

For the most part, the group home I was in the staff were good folks. You had your occasional staff member who was a prick. So all in all for me, I'd say the staff were nice 95% of the time.

As far as feeling welcome and safe, they do the best they can when dealing with a bunch of pain in the ass teenagers.

I don't know that they "welcome" you to the place, other than giving you a tour, the rules, and where your bed is located.

Safety was not an issue where I was at. We didn't have Intruders or outsiders breaking in and harassing us. As a bunch of teens living together in one building, tension did occasionally flare up and a fight would break out, but staff usually got that under control pretty quickly.

But I would say my experience with going through the system in my teens was not bad. Any trouble I ran into was usually my own doing.

 

[gingerplum]

For the most part, the group home I was in the staff were good folks. You had your occasional staff member who was a prick. So all in all for me, I'd say the staff were nice 95% of the time.

As far as feeling welcome and safe, they do the best they can when dealing with a bunch of pain in the ass teenagers.

I don't know that they "welcome" you to the place, other than giving you a tour, the rules, and where your bed is located.

Safety was not an issue where I was at. We didn't have Intruders or outsiders breaking in and harassing us. As a bunch of teens living together in one building, tension did occasionally flare up and a fight would break out, but staff usually got that under control pretty quickly.

But I would say my experience with going through the system in my teens was not bad. Any trouble I ran into was usually my own doing.

Thank you! I didn't read your initial post carefully enough; I thought you had been in a private home at some point. I'm so glad you were overall treated well.

 

[Empty Smile]

Thank you! I didn't read your initial post carefully enough; I thought you had been in a private home at some point. I'm so glad you were overall treated well.

Well I failed to mention I was in 2 foster homes at one one point. But because of me being a rebellious teen, I was never at one for long.

As well as with the group home, the foster parents treated me very well and were very nice people. Safety was not an issue at either of them, and they made me feel welcome by allowing me to stay in their homes.

 

[gingerplum]

Well I failed to mention I was in 2 foster homes at one one point. But because of me being a rebellious teen, I was never at one for long.

As well as with the group home, the foster parents treated me very well and were very nice people. Safety was not an issue at either of them, and they made me feel welcome by allowing me to stay in their homes.

That's great to hear. Basically I'm fishing for tips & ideas for myself because if I decide I'm going to stick around, it's always been a dream of mine to foster ;).

 

[Empty Smile]

That's great to hear. Basically I'm fishing for tips & ideas for myself because if I decide I'm going to stick around, it's always been a dream of mine to foster ;).

As I got older I considered it as well, returning the favor so to speak. But with my mind frame, I don't think it would be a good idea. I wouldn't hurt any of the kids, but I don't want to have any kids there if on sudden impulse I decide to ctb. They are already going through enough, I wouldn't want to add that to their problems.

 

[INWonderland]

That's great to hear. Basically I'm fishing for tips & ideas for myself because if I decide I'm going to stick around, it's always been a dream of mine to foster ;).

I was both a foster child and in group homes (10-17) and a foster parent. Older teens only my last child just started college and lives on campus. Thr one tip I can give you is consistency and security. Especially with the older children. Most of the kids get passed around so often that they feel that you will eventually pass them to the next home. Eventually if you are consistent and provide a safe secure home they will hopefully feel safe enough to open up and break down their walls. So I advise patience as well. It wouldn't harm anything to brush up on some DBT and CBT coping skills I incorporated those in my home when my kids needed it and it did diffuse tensions at times.

 

[gingerplum]

I was both a foster child and in group homes (10-17) and a foster parent. Older teens only my last child just started college and lives on campus. Thr one tip I can give you is consistency and security. Especially with the older children. Most of the kids get passed around so often that they feel that you will eventually pass them to the next home. Eventually if you are consistent and provide a safe secure home they will hopefully feel safe enough to open up and break down their walls. So I advise patience as well. It wouldn't harm anything to brush up on some DBT and CBT coping skills I incorporated those in my home when my kids needed it and it did diffuse tensions at times.

These are great tips, thank you! I'm actually a fan of CBT; I've heard of dialectical but I don't really know what it means, so I'll research it. I just love that you were in foster care and went on to foster yourself. I'm actually tearing up right now trying to imagine a 10 yr-old being taken away from her parents... that's rough.

 

[INWonderland]

These are great tips, thank you! I'm actually a fan of CBT; I've heard of dialectical but I don't really know what it means, so I'll research it. I just love that you were in foster care and went on to foster yourself. I'm actually tearing up right now trying to imagine a 10 yr-old being taken away from her parents... that's rough.

It was the better option for me. I believe it was harder on my mother at least I do now. And I repect her for being able to make such a tough call. We have a healthy relationship now and I am certainly a stronger person after those experiences. Even the bad experiences allowed me to be there for others and give back in a way that I am at least able to look back and say that I was productive in my years here. I love my kids like they were my own and I am so proud of them. I don't know if I would have chosen that path without my mother giving up custody.

 

[gingerplum]

It was the better option for me. I believe it was harder on my mother at least I do now. And I repect her for being able to make such a tough call. We have a healthy relationship now and I am certainly a stronger person after those experiences. Even the bad experiences allowed me to be there for others and give back in a way that I am at least able to look back and say that I was productive in my years here. I love my kids like they were my own and I am so proud of them. I don't know if I would have chosen that path without my mother giving up custody.

Wow, that is really powerful.

 

[Dawn0071111]

@EmptySmile & @Dawn0071111, were your experiences in foster care good? Were they kind to you? Finally, in an ideal situation, what could the foster parent(s) have said to you to make you feel welcome and safe?

I was never with a Foster family this is one of the huge misconceptions about when children are removed from the home with DCFS basically what happens is you get put into a group home situation usually it's some people who have a license and they have a whole bunch of kids living in one house. Adoption is a completely different system but if you're taking away from your parents most likely 99% of the time you go into a system where you get thrown around living with all kinds of strangers and people where there's rate molestation beating starvation and all kinds of craziness what I went through in one of those places was enough to traumatize me let alone 25 LOL. Long story short it is long as it's something you want to do from the bottom of your heart you feel like you have the capacity to love a child and guide them I say go for

 

[INWonderland]

Wow, that is really powerful.

If you do choose that path I won't lie to you and say that it is easy. It will be hard and heartbreaking at times. Some nights you will cry, or want to scream, or burn the entire system to the ground (especially when you are forced to give one of your babies back to a dysfunctional home) but I can promise you that it's worth it. You will learn more about yourself than you ever expected. And you seem to be a very compassionate person from your comments that I read on here. You may truly excel in that path.

 

[gingerplum]

If you do choose that path I won't lie to you and say that it is easy. It will be hard and heartbreaking at times. Some nights you will cry, or want to scream, or burn the entire system to the ground (especially when you are forced to give one of your babies back to a dysfunctional home) but I can promise you that it's worth it. You will learn more about yourself than you ever expected. And you seem to be a very compassionate person from your comments that I read on here. You may truly excel in that path.

Thank you SO much, Wonderland. I know I will have to prepare myself for some massive frustration from some potentially very closed off, resentful kids, but I'm at a point in my life where I'm pretty patient & realistic. Sending a child back to a dysfunctional home will probably be the most difficult; I guess you just remind yourself that maybe you made a difference, helped them in some small way. And really, it would be such an honor to love another mom's child, if only for a short while.

Question: What happens when the child is 18? I'm sure it varies by state, but what kind of safety net and services are in place?

 

[INWonderland]

Thank you SO much, Wonderland. I know I will have to prepare myself for some massive frustration from some potentially very closed off, resentful kids, but I'm at a point in my life where I'm pretty patient & realistic. Sending a child back to a dysfunctional home will probably be the most difficult; I guess you just remind yourself that maybe you made a difference, helped them in some small way. And really, it would be such an honor to love another mom's child, if only for a short while.

Question: What happens when the child is 18? I'm sure it varies by state, but what kind of safety net and services are in place?

Usually a child is covered via medicade until 21, Fafsa covers college. Usually a child transfers placement to an independent living situation either independent living grouphomes or apartments with sliding scale payments to teach budgeting, cooking, how to search for employment or other life skills. That transition usually occurs around 16-17. Other children reconnect with family or choose to phase out and decline the services offered. It's unfortunately a system that could use improvement. My kids stayed with me until 18. One decided to get on disability (which is very easy as a foster child if done before 21) two chose college. One reconciled with family. Other foster homes may cut off a child entirely after they leave the home. Others like me remain involved after they graduate the system. There are some nets but unfortunately not enough to catch those that fall through the cracks. I know of many kids who when they turn 18 who choose to phase out and unfortunately that means they are turning down most of the services offered to help them in adulthood.

 

[gingerplum]

Usually a child is covered via medicade until 21, Fafsa covers college. Usually a child transfers placement to an independent living situation either independent living grouphomes or apartments with sliding scale payments to teach budgeting, cooking, how to search for employment or other life skills. That transition usually occurs around 16-17. Other children reconnect with family or choose to phase out and decline the services offered. It's unfortunately a system that could use improvement. My kids stayed with me until 18. One decided to get on disability (which is very easy as a foster child if done before 21) two chose college. One reconciled with family. Other foster homes may cut off a child entirely after they leave the home. Others like me remain involved after they graduate the system. There are some nets but unfortunately not enough to catch those that fall through the cracks. I know of many kids who when they turn 18 who choose to phase out and unfortunately that means they are turning down most of the services offered to help them in adulthood.

Well I'm glad to know that there are transitional services, insurance, and housing available. As for budgeting, cooking, and job searches, I wish every middle school and high school had a mandatory class called "Life Skills 101" that covered all that.

 

[INWonderland]

Well I'm glad to know that there are transitional services, insurance, and housing available. As for budgeting, cooking, and job searches, I wish every middle school and high school had a mandatory class called "Life Skills 101" that covered all that.

I have been saying that for years. I also believe there should be mandatory week long apprenticeships in highschool where the children can shadow different professions before college and going into debt for a career they will hate.

 

[gingerplum]

I have been saying that for years. I also believe there should be mandatory week long apprenticeships in highschool where the children can shadow different professions before college and going into debt for a career they will hate.

100% agree, my friend.

 

[SweetMelody]

Dawn you are quoting my life story. Complete with a mommy dearest psychopath as a mother to the grouphomes.