![Suicideisnirvana](/data/avatars/l/1/1533.jpg?1557091693)
Suicideisnirvana
Specialist
- Aug 4, 2018
- 312
It's weird but i've noticed lately that since i've planned my suicide, i lost my ability to feel suffering. To be fair, it's just because I'M SURE i will CTB soon, so i can't use that new power to go on living, the moment any doubt is instilled in my mind that CTB isn't an option, panick, fear, and depression will come again.
I think meditation did help a bit, but also a realization i made, it's a very simple realization, so simple it seems dumb, the only difference is that this time i didn't realize it intellectually, but intuitively, at the gut level.
This realization amounts to this "Whatever i'm going through, even in the worse circumstances, even if i'm a serial killer full of guilt/suffering and fear purchased by the police and risking life in prison, there is a way to make the suffering worse, and a way to lessens it, overthinking always make it worse, worrying always make it worse"
So i feel a kind of lasting peace now, my mind realizes this and try to present me some anxious/depressing thought, but strangely it doesn't work anymore, since i know it's temporary, it losed its power over me. I can watch movies, read books and go out on walk in complete peace not despite planning a suicide soon, but mainly BECAUSE i'm planning suicide soon. It's very hard to explain but i realized i don't have to let my ideas and plans feel dramatic/important, i can plan suicide and smile and watch a movie before it, all i have is continue tricking myself till i drink Nembutal, and then no suffering anymore, and so far it's working like a charm.
I think meditation did help a bit, but also a realization i made, it's a very simple realization, so simple it seems dumb, the only difference is that this time i didn't realize it intellectually, but intuitively, at the gut level.
This realization amounts to this "Whatever i'm going through, even in the worse circumstances, even if i'm a serial killer full of guilt/suffering and fear purchased by the police and risking life in prison, there is a way to make the suffering worse, and a way to lessens it, overthinking always make it worse, worrying always make it worse"
So i feel a kind of lasting peace now, my mind realizes this and try to present me some anxious/depressing thought, but strangely it doesn't work anymore, since i know it's temporary, it losed its power over me. I can watch movies, read books and go out on walk in complete peace not despite planning a suicide soon, but mainly BECAUSE i'm planning suicide soon. It's very hard to explain but i realized i don't have to let my ideas and plans feel dramatic/important, i can plan suicide and smile and watch a movie before it, all i have is continue tricking myself till i drink Nembutal, and then no suffering anymore, and so far it's working like a charm.