Venting anyone here think they are actually insane

[mrpeter]

I've done so many weird things in the past and I think i'm actually unhinged. Idk why I'm like this ,it can't just be autism. I have so many regrets that its been eating me up for years, every bad thing I do I will remember and cringe about it over and over again. I'm too scared to talk about anything here, because I'm scared people will judge me. I legit hate myself now, I want to die so badly, because I feel like I'm cursed beyond repair. It's not like forgiveness is an option.

Technically I haven't hurt anyone, its just the fact I'm so weird that bothers me, and thinking if people knew everything I did they would hate me. My family would hate me. My friends would all leave me. It's legit scary to think about. Self hatred is the worst feeling I've felt. I get panic attacks thinking about past things I've done, than I have to try my best in my mind to make up excuses, so that I feel better. It's really annoying. Wish I could suppress my memories, forgetting would be the only way to move on.

 

[katara]

somewhat yes, the way i live my life is not in any way normal. I have no friends, didn't finish high school. Never done anything normal people do like go to prom, date, any normal milestones are inexistent to me. I don't know how to do anything and i feel like a broken person. It makes me angry, i have always hated myself. Sometimes i wonder if forgetting my past would fix me, or if i'd end back up in the same place again.

 

[waistcoat]

i'm pretty sure i am, and by some clinicians metrics i already am.

i routinely find myself achieving things that are- by every metric -objectively great, but find zero joy from completing them. i see my life as a list of checkboxes to cross out, rather than something to experience.

my work, my studies, talking to friends, eating, sleeping, playing games, traveling: nothing excites me, nothing gives me a sense of joy.

it's not a desire for more, it's a lack of emotional capabilities, a day filled with 'fun' activities, and a day spent doing absolutely nothing are equal to my brain, there is no ability for me to process emotions, literally none.

it kinda sucks, but i guess it has its upsides: i don't feel 'depressed'; i just lack any enjoyment out of life, and would rather end my free-trial of existence early. the only reason i haven't already died is because it would affect those around me to know my death was preventable: they would rather watch me die a slow and painful (literally) death.

every time i cross the street i hope a car runs me over, that way no one will blame themselves, well, i guess the driver would, but i don't care about them.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I was undeniably insane during my last manic episode. I had a psychotic break that I barely remember, but people tell me I was yelling incoherently and trying to eat rocks. I got picked up by the police 3 times for erratic, dangerous behavior and sent to the involuntary psych unit at the hospital. I experienced a religious awakening where I thought I was a buddha and communicating directly with God. Some of it was intensely euphoric, other parts were a hellish nightmare. It destroyed my life.

Now I'm in a depressed episode, not sure if it counts as sane or insane. All I can think about is CTB and I have nothing left to live for. I feel like I'm rational, not delusional, because objectively I lost so much and my brain is so fucked that there's no hope of substantial recovery. On the other hand, my mind no longer feels like it's fully under my control, and some people would probably consider someone as intensely suicidal as I am to be insane by definition.

 

[Surai]

My fear is that I lose myself so much that I dont even realise it or is concious of who I was. Im forgetting ofh who I was I get these thoughts that I lost myself

 

[Overwhelmed52]

I feel like I've made so many mistakes all the time. I get more obsessed with it because I spend too much time alone, and I guess I'm kind of off-putting because I'm stuck being alone. In my case, I know there are family members and former friends working against me and getting other people to stay away from me. And, honestly, my mistakes against the ones working against me aren't even that bad-- basically, I didn't want a relationship with them anymore so I cut them off and now they're spreading stories about me so just about everyone has cut me off. Some people are just really good at that kind of thing. Meanwhile, some people that I really did let down (said some things I didn't mean, wasn't there for them when they needed me) were actually pretty cool about it when I reached out, until the ones working against me got to them. So, I don't think it's really about specific mistakes as much as it is about whether people like you in general and whether you have the right people in your corner. If your family and friends like you now, chances are they'll be glad to forgive your mistakes. A lot of people actually like to forgive.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Honestly I think it is autism, or at least that's my theory of why it can be harder to let go of past mistakes and hurt. Being harsh towards yourself over past mistakes and obsessing over them due to the impact they've had on you and their intrusiveness in your life is a tendency that almost comes with the territory, because our brains are wired towards developing obsessive fixations compared to the neurotypical mind. It's harder to move beyond past regrets when your mind wants to replay them and fixate on those bad memories by default.

There are many other similar tendencies I have as an autistic person that make me feel 'insane', for example having extremely rigid interests, not experiencing emotions in the same ways others do, and being unable to handle relationships and responsibilities. It seems so.. effortless how neurotypical people can speak and communicate without these barriers all the time, barriers that are an inherent facet of the autistic experience.

If you've always had views and mannerisms that are different from the grain, the weight of making mistakes seems to hit a lot harder, because we are often so aware how we don't fit the mold. Being open to forgiveness is something I would hope people you care about would possess though, especially if they know you are autistic and struggling with social conventions and guilt too.

 

[Electra]

 

[dontwakemeup]

i'm pretty sure i am, and by some clinicians metrics i already am.

i routinely find myself achieving things that are- by every metric -objectively great, but find zero joy from completing them. i see my life as a list of checkboxes to cross out, rather than something to experience.

my work, my studies, talking to friends, eating, sleeping, playing games, traveling: nothing excites me, nothing gives me a sense of joy.

it's not a desire for more, it's a lack of emotional capabilities, a day filled with 'fun' activities, and a day spent doing absolutely nothing are equal to my brain, there is no ability for me to process emotions, literally none.

it kinda sucks, but i guess it has its upsides: i don't feel 'depressed'; i just lack any enjoyment out of life, and would rather end my free-trial of existence early. the only reason i haven't already died is because it would affect those around me to know my death was preventable: they would rather watch me die a slow and painful (literally) death.

every time i cross the street i hope a car runs me over, that way no one will blame themselves, well, i guess the driver would, but i don't care about them.

You've just explained me perfectly! As I was reading you're reply, I'm thinking yes that's me!! Can I ask what dx do you have? I have never been able to correctly describe this to the people that needed to hear this! The best dx that was close was dysthmia. Dysthmia was close but not the only thing that explains this.
People would be shocked to know I excelled in college. I never went to my own graduation because I didn't see any pleasure in it. But basically you summed it up.
You know the definition of insanity, so that's you're start.

Whatever you have done to people, it's never too late to ask for forgiveness. Now, if they accept it or not is not your concern after that.

We are always harder and more critical on ourselves than others. Perhaps because we know ourselves better or we tend to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves.

I agree with your post, I feel I'm insane sometimes myself. I keep expecting different results and doing the same thing. I don't feel I fit in with society and it's norms and I'm ok with it but society has told me I'm different.

At this point in my life, I'm not apologizing anymore. I don't care if I'm different. I'm done explaining why I want to leave this place. I'm tired of everyone, so I simply stay to myself and refuse to allow people inside anymore. If I can't be my true authentic self then, I'd removed myself from everyone's life.

People are funny. They can complain about the same things for decades and I listen, offer advice, listen again and repeat. People can add on as many new issues they want and I listen. But soon as I say I want to ctb, it's uncomfortable for them, certainly not for me. They feel this superman complex and strong desire to fix me, but I'm not broken. I feel I'm justified in wanting to ctb. I'm stuck here and feel I have completely lost touch with reality. I guess I am insane.

 

[Tig]

I've got an invisible Karate
Monkey, does that count as insane ?

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

yes most of my brain is insane. i believe in the 1000 brains theory book . there are different programs and models of things in the brain. for example is it rational for me to sit there all day watching youtube videos that don't solve my problems and don't move my goals forward while everything is on fire as in the meme? no that's totally insane that's "me" all my life. even the last 5 years i've had SN and haven't been able to do it mainly because i wasted most of my time on youtube TV internet social media youtube distracted addicted to that .

A New Theory Of Intelligence: Review of “A Thousand Brains” by Jeff Hawkins

To me, the most interesting observation in the book is not about brains – it’s about how an intelligent species could make its presence known across the vast distances of space.

www.forbes.com

 

[Forever Sleep]

I used to feel like I was different to other people. Mostly social awkwardness I suppose but maybe also my general view on/ approach to life. As to how my brain works though, I think it's probably fairly normal. I'm able to live a fairly normal life. I think the actual 'normies' ought to be more worried by that though really. I don't think it would be correct to blame my suicide (if I actually do it) on mental illness.

They ought to acknowledge that a percentage of people commit simply because they hated life. That means a lot more people they supposedly care about are at risk because life is hard for a lot of people.

 

[Namelesa]

With some of things I have done and thought of I do kinda think I am insane (technically I am not but still think I am). I probably going to feel guilt for these for the rest of my life and I know so many people are going to hate me for it. I get panic attacks about what I have done too and are part of the reason I want to ctb.

If you technically haven't hurt anyone, I would understand and forgive you. We gone through so much pain that we are going to do things out of desperation that we are going to regret. The one thing we can do is to learn from it. You feel guilt from these things so you are not a bad person.