Anyone here genuinely know their life won't be getting better so no matter what, they'll ctb?

[thetwilightzone]

I feel there are some people here that don't really have the drive to die now, in a few weeks, months or even years but you know that you're reminded by how shit it is.

I've always heard the anti-suicide argument "What if you're life gets better?". I am CERTAIN it won't happen. Okay not really, it can get better but NO WAY I'm waiting that long.

For me, not only will things not get better but my parents are threatening to kick me out. They even involved the police here in Ireland. I achieved 6F's and 1E in my HS exams (giving me 20 points, a fail) because my mind wasn't in the place to study or even retain information. I can't get a job probably due to that but more importantly, having no work experience whatsoever. And I'm sure you older users know, the less you have, the longer you go without a job and the worse off you are.

I don't really have much to fall back on. My family sucks (they think I'm spoiled because they give me unnecessary gifts instead of focusing on my mental and physical health). Their extremely close minded and pretty much don't get along. I don't have any social circle whatsoever. I have a terrible appearance (I was bullied racially by both lighter skinned black people and white kids in my school but they made fun of my teeth).

It's funny to be accused of "wallowing in self pity". None of the fuckers that say this will do anything to help me so they're useless.

I'm not going to be dying by suicide in the next week, few months, or even a year. But trust me, with the way things are going, I'm eventually going to get some heroin, xanax/valium and decide "this is my last day".

 

[frank630]

There are many things about you that I can relate. I want to go because no one can understand me (except for some people here who are also suicidal) and there are things that we cannot control that have effects in the way we live.

 

[CRM]

I have Asperger's among other things. It's impossible for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. First considered suicide seven years ago and have felt depressed since I was old enough to think for myself.

Hate the idea of getting a job but go to interviews anyway, and I'm always declined. Jobs and life are all about bullshitting other people, and I cannot do that.

So no, shit isn't getting better. People who tell me otherwise are damn fools. There has not been an ounce of success in my life, and everything about me points to dying "before my time." I think it's past my time.

Sorry, that turned into a rant. Yes, no matter what, I am going to die by my own hand.

 

[thetwilightzone]

I have Asperger's among other things. It's impossible for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. First considered suicide seven years ago and have felt depressed since I was old enough to think for myself.

Hate the idea of getting a job but go to interviews anyway, and I'm always declined. Jobs and life are all about bullshitting other people, and I cannot do that.

So no, shit isn't getting better. People who tell me otherwise are damn fools. There has not been an ounce of success in my life, and everything about me points to dying "before my time." I think it's past my time.

Sorry, that turned into a rant. Yes, no matter what, I am going to die by my own hand.

I have Aspergers too and the services in my country (Ireland) are really shit.

 

[CRM]

I have Aspergers too and the services in my country (Ireland) are really shit.

Nobody gives a shit about people on the spectrum. It's untreatable. I've accepted that.

 

[thetwilightzone]

Nobody gives a shit about people on the spectrum. It's untreatable. I've accepted that.

Well I take 3mg of risperidone, an antipsychotic which is supposed to help with the irritability of people who have ASD.

 

[Deleted_9cKnXB34QG]

It won't get better because to get better would mean I'd have to get a job and spent another 40 years as a wage slave. I don't want that and I can't do anything anyway, I have no education and zero real life skills.
My schizoid PD won't ever get magically cured either, I will always be my shitty, retarded self - unable to form any kind of meaningful relationship or enjoy life in general.

I know that suicide is the only way, I can feel it, like something is pulling me towards it and saying it's time.

 

[thetwilightzone]

It won't get better because to get better would mean I'd have to get a job and spent another 40 years as a wage slave. I don't want that and I can't do anything anyway, I have no education and zero real life skills.
My schizoid PD won't ever get magically cured either, I will always be my shitty, retarded self - unable to form any kind of meaningful relationship or enjoy life in general.

I know that suicide is the only way, I can feel it, like something is pulling me towards it and saying it's time.

Why do you then think that some people then feel suicidal (like the ones on reddit's /r/depression) but get guilt-tripped out of it so easily by looking at a family who has been 'devastated' by it, being told their selfish etc...

Do you think these people must not be at the 'breaking point' in their lives? I'm not trying to dismiss their problems as well but it seems really eays for people to condemn suicide when they've just had a bad spell in their life and have family/friends to take care of them, an okay job and things will be going okay for them.

When you're about to be kicked out, having an abusive family/friends, suffer racism/lookism, have health problems then IMO, people are more open to suicide and less likely to condemn others for it.

I'm not also implying that having a bad life means suicide is the better option but in my opinion, people who are on the actual brink of serious problems, seem not to spew out the "but there are people who care about you b.s."

 

[frank630]

Why do you then think that some people then feel suicidal (like the ones on reddit's /r/depression) but get guilt-tripped out of it so easily by looking at a family who has been 'devastated' by it, being told their selfish etc...

Do you think these people must not be at the 'breaking point' in their lives? I'm not trying to dismiss their problems as well but it seems really eays for people to condemn suicide when they've just had a bad spell in their life and have family/friends to take care of them, an okay job and things will be going okay for them.

When you're about to be kicked out, having an abusive family/friends, suffer racism/lookism, have health problems then IMO, people are more open to suicide and less likely to condemn others for it.

I'm not also implying that having a bad life means suicide is the better option but in my opinion, people who are on the actual brink of serious problems, seem not to spew out the "but there are people who care about you b.s."

This is so true

 

[shadow11]

What if it never gets better

 

[Smilla]

Not only will it not get better but it will get worse, for me at least.

 

[FadedMemory]

I have traumatic memories I can never erase, I have panic attacks every day, and I can't create meaningful relationships due to social anxiety disorder.
Youth means nothing when you're scared to even go outside.
So yeah, I've been waiting for twelve years for life to get "better", now it's time to stop.

 

[Comatose11]

Yes. When I was in the mental hospital they'd go on and on about how it can get better and life is beautiful. So I stuck around and decided to try. Nope. Still miserable. I just want to get through a family member's birthday (less than 3 weeks away) and I'm going to ctb the day after.

 

[RoloTomasi]

Yes, I doubt it'll get any better with time nor more effort. I already gave it a shot but my body just keeps on finding new ways to betray me. I cannot "accept" anymore, a man can only take so much. Time to die soon.

 

[wanttodie]

no my life won't get better

 

[shadow11]

I have traumatic memories I can never erase, I have panic attacks every day, and I can't create meaningful relationships due to social anxiety disorder.
Youth means nothing when you're scared to even go outside.
So yeah, I've been waiting for twelve years for life to get "better", now it's time to stop.

I have panic attacks and cant go outside either

 

[randomguy]

I need to go because I feel I'm loosing my mind to mental illness. It's terrifying and last night I felt I was cracking like a cookie. So bad, I would like to be a normal person but I just can't. I depend so much on other peoples caring but nobody cares at all. I know I'm stupid. Just need courage and and let everything in position to ctb.

 

[CRM]

Well I take 3mg of risperidone, an antipsychotic which is supposed to help with the irritability of people who have ASD.

I haven't responded to any type of treatment, unfortunately. But ASD is still something that will be around for our entire lives, so it hardly matters in my opinion. It's basically like cancer treatment without remission.

 

[akosineenee]

Here's the thing. It doesn't get better. There are periods where life is good and things are looking up and you feel that maybe just maybe life can be tolerable. But those periods are few and far between; plus they rarely last long enough for you to believe that maybe there's something to live for. At the back of your head there is always the thought of something terrible about to transpire--just around the corner, waiting, lurking ... In my case I let my self-sabotaging behaviors interfere with my life and my goals too many effing times I fear that I've burned too many bridges and wasted opportunites that I cannot go back or fix anything anymore. Sorry for the rant. No, it doesn't get any better.

 

[throwaway123]

I feel there are some people here that don't really have the drive to die now, in a few weeks, months or even years but you know that you're reminded by how shit it is.

I've always heard the anti-suicide argument "What if you're life gets better?". I am CERTAIN it won't happen. Okay not really, it can get better but NO WAY I'm waiting that long.

For me, not only will things not get better but my parents are threatening to kick me out. They even involved the police here in Ireland. I achieved 6F's and 1E in my HS exams (giving me 20 points, a fail) because my mind wasn't in the place to study or even retain information. I can't get a job probably due to that but more importantly, having no work experience whatsoever. And I'm sure you older users know, the less you have, the longer you go without a job and the worse off you are.

I don't really have much to fall back on. My family sucks (they think I'm spoiled because they give me unnecessary gifts instead of focusing on my mental and physical health). Their extremely close minded and pretty much don't get along. I don't have any social circle whatsoever. I have a terrible appearance (I was bullied racially by both lighter skinned black people and white kids in my school but they made fun of my teeth).

It's funny to be accused of "wallowing in self pity". None of the fuckers that say this will do anything to help me so they're useless.

I'm not going to be dying by suicide in the next week, few months, or even a year. But trust me, with the way things are going, I'm eventually going to get some heroin, xanax/valium and decide "this is my last day".

When you're about to be kicked out, having an abusive family/friends, suffer racism/lookism, have health problems then IMO, people are more open to suicide and less likely to condemn others for it.
"

I'm in a very similar situation. I can't focus let alone learn anything. I'm suprised I even got this far but now it's all falling apart. I'm going to have to do it soon. I envy your calmness about this whole situation.

 

[lv-gras]

I haven't responded to any type of treatment

Well I take 3mg of risperidone, an antipsychotic which is supposed to help with the irritability of people who have ASD.

: /
man, antipsychotics can be worse for ASD people. like we get worse effects.

 

[Sayo]

: /
man, antipsychotics can be worse for ASD people. like we get worse effects.

Yes! I wish more people knew and cared. If they think it's statistically likely to improve your demeanour and make you manageable, it's good, and that's generally the only metric it's evaluated on, even though it can interact badly with our biochemical profiles and cause severe health problems for no real improvement in the autistic person's life...

One of the saddest things in my life has been the experience of being autistic (and other disabilities), pretty much no one cares what you experience or even thinks of you as sentient relative to the eugenics-shaped burden you're supposedly inflicting on society.

 

[StarDust]

I know mine will not get better. I won't go into detail about it but I can say, I lost everything in one go. And I do mean everything, everything/everyone that was ever important to me was taken in an instant; and there is no getting that back. To lose your life so completely that way....no words. Just everyday you wake up to some stupid happy blue sky and you think....DAMN I'm still here.

 

[wezel]

I am no longer interested in waiting for some light at the end of the tunnel, i am too exhausted.
So ctb is all that's left for me, and it will happen within the next weeks, the exact time depending
on rather trivial practicalities.

 

[MissZombie]

I agree with you on most things. I find myself in a similar situation, without real friends, without work (without expectations to achieve it). Without a stable family nucleus and full of problems. Fortunately, I do not see myself on the street, at least for now. Of course the situation may change, but I've been waiting so long for it to change and it does not happen.

At this point, if you have nowhere to go and you have no choice but to endure it. Try to make it as easy as possible, do not argue with your relatives, ignore their words, reproaches or whatever.
Think of them as strangers with whom you are forced to live, period.

As for physical appearance, unfortunately society is very superficial. But, physical appearance is something that you can improve if you try hard to do it. Many people change, I have done it and you can do it too.
Although that at least has brought me unwanted attention and superficial people, and it's not what I want.

Bullying is crap, I've been through that. But never forget, that these people are despicable, they see something in you that they envy or that they want to destroy to increase their self-esteem or their pathetic and miserable lives.


To be honest, if in a few years my situation does not change, I think that just like you, suicide resolves me the best option.
While you live, do it for you. Find things that you love and think of the rest as extras in your life and give them to everyone, if they do not appreciate you.

 

[SnowyDreams]

I have failed college and didn't graduate, only had like 2 jobs in my life so no experience therefore nobody wants to hire me. Also, I'm 27. Even if I got treatment for the depression and various disorders I have, I'd still be miserable because I am worthless without a job or career. I'll possibly be homeless soon. I wasted everything. There's no way to fix it now.

 

[HateFeelingFeelings]

The thing for me is that no matter how successful or how much money etc. I could have or potentially have I guess. It will never take away the suffering I feel I can't describe it sometimes I feel like I'm about to go insane trying to fight it. It's really hard to explain and nobody seems to get it. However even if I didn't feel the way I do what is the point? We work our lives away and there's so much we can't control but are expected to just deal with. Sorry if I got off topic..

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

It won't get better because to get better would mean I'd have to get a job and spent another 40 years as a wage slave. I don't want that and I can't do anything anyway, I have no education and zero real life skills.
My schizoid PD won't ever get magically cured either, I will always be my shitty, retarded self - unable to form any kind of meaningful relationship or enjoy life in general.

I know that suicide is the only way, I can feel it, like something is pulling me towards it and saying it's time.

I have the same problem … no skills no brain to learn anything that pays well. At this point nothing could pay well enough that I would want to stay anyway.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Here's the thing. It doesn't get better. There are periods where life is good and things are looking up and you feel that maybe just maybe life can be tolerable. But those periods are few and far between; plus they rarely last long enough for you to believe that maybe there's something to live for. At the back of your head there is always the thought of something terrible about to transpire--just around the corner, waiting, lurking ... In my case I let my self-sabotaging behaviors interfere with my life and my goals too many effing times I fear that I've burned too many bridges and wasted opportunites that I cannot go back or fix anything anymore. Sorry for the rant. No, it doesn't get any better.

I know. Last night I was having dinner with my sister and she was trying to put a happy face On things by going on about what a wonderful day we had… And I was just thinking we're sitting here in this restaurant terrified of spending money And so we actually ended up walking away hungry and dissatisfied and I thought to myself… This is the rest of my life? Lying to myself and pretending that Life doesn't suck …
A family friend got diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my sister said we really need to count our blessings… Sure of course we do… Yes it could be worse… Yes it will get much much worse… Doesn't mean the present situation is tolerable in the slightest…

 

[vinie]

It is true that life has its own set of beauties; cuddling on rainy days, birds flying high in the morning, beaches hidden in forests, ect. Yet, when your life has been a tragedy ever since the day you were conceived, these beauties make no sense, at least to me. I will never be able to appreciate what I have been given due to the amount of pain that I've seen over the years. Though the universe is astonishing, the misery that hides behind its distracting colours is far more prevalent to me. At the end of it all, things will get more difficult with each day that I keep on existing. Even those previously mentioned beauties have brought me a tremendous amount of mental suffering. I want to hope, yet hope is such a bleak term.

May everyone find peace within <3