MeltingHeart
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2019
- 2,151
This is part vent/ part discussion - but I have confession that I am envious of (I don't like the word jealously but I guess it the kinda the same thing end of day) all these members saying they have guilt to ctb because of how upset their family would be- I KNOW I have no right to say say or think this for 1. Just because I don't have that - I also don't have their problems i.e physical pain or a long term mental health thing or grief (though I would say mine is a form of grief) & 2. You could argue atleast this is one factor I don't need to worry about (guilt) in ctb and the upset that may cause those I leave behind. But seeing as this is all about honesty on here- whether or not it is right or wrong I am so upset when I hear people speak of how bad they feel to do this to their family- I know it's so self absorbed but I just can't believe I don't even have to worry about that- and I know in my final moments - I was never wanted, never really loved & just had the v.v most basic level of care and only up till a certain age. It may seem ridiculous to be the age I am (heading toward 40) and to be so consumed by childhood neglect/ abuse & shouldn't i have moved on by now- but the knock on effects were so huge & I did try REALLY hard to not let it! I wanted to progress, move on, make my own life, not dwell on/ blame the past etc. Be strong, make my own life what I wanted it to be as I got older - I tried my best. But I guess this lack of any family love/ support just left me struggling for so many years & kind of broken hearted in someways that without wanting to blame them exactly- I can not help but say- it is certainly a factor in me reaching this point now. Seen so many posts about people worrying about how their family will feel- just wondered if their is anyone that doesn't feel this, due to having not being loved by them? (not because they have passed themselves which is of course painful yet different kind of pain/ grief)
Last edited: