anyone have tips on not taking boundaries too personally?

[iori011x3]

i'd like to think of myself as someone who is able to respect boundaries. i try to not cross them when i am made aware of it. however, when i started to feel more and more depressed, it's been hard not to take them too personally. i'd love to see boundaries as someone valuing the relationship enough where they'd want to stir me in a direction that won't hurt them, but all i can think about is how they're just sick and tired of me.

this kinda sprang up when i asked one of my friends (who didn't tell me they were taking a break from me but when shit went down, i told them i wanted a bit of time away) if they were comfortable with talking to me again and they said no. they said they wanted a few weeks. i can understand it and ofc i respected it but goddamn did it fucking hurt. i logically know that it's more about them than it is about me, but i just don't wanna start spiralling into dark thoughts again or feel hurt by it. i just can't help but think it's about me and how i've probably indirectly hurt them.

anything i can do? anything i can remind myself of? reaffirmations in the mirror? taking up a new hobby? exersizing? idek lmao. i mean, i guess this is something that takes time but i just dunno where to start :(

 

[Forever Sleep]

It really hurts to do but there have been a few friendships in my life where I have had to simply remind myself that I maybe need them more than they do me. Quite often because they have other people they are closer to- partners and the like. Or- they have been hurt in the past from betrayals in relationships- so, they simply aren't willing to be as open.

Either way, they have in some way rejected me at some point. Or- it has felt like that. It's felt awful but I've had to just tell myself- you can't rely on other people. Not completely. You can't be that needy. You're going to have to cope with some things on your own, and I guess I just started to get more used to doing that. A lot of people can turn out to be 'fair weather friends.' It's not that you can't still enjoy their company but I think sometimes you have to acknowledge that we can't depend on these people always.

It's not because you are a bad person though. Maybe some of us are kind of needy but, that's often because that love and care has been missing in other parts of our lives. It can feel amazing to finally experience that. The trouble is, people are complex. We're all dealing with stuff and sometimes, we just don't have enough strength to support one another. I've kind of been in both positions. I've had people not be there for me when I needed them but also- sometimes I've felt too overwhelmed with my own stuff to cope with other people venting about their problems. We're all only human.

I do know what you mean about feeling bad or feeling a nuisance but- it isn't your fault. You need some extra support at the moment- that's all. It's just that your friend doesn't feel in a place where they can provide it. We're all different too. Some people will help others no matter what is going on for them. Others find that harder to do. Try to forgive yourself and forgive your friend and hope that in time, either you'll feel better, they will or- you both will ideally.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Do you tend to vent a lot to them? As someone who's been on that side and the opposite side of this, changing how you externalize your depression makes things better. Sometimes you have to fake it, come off happier than you actually are, and know when it's appropriate to express some sadness and when it's not. Remember that mood is contagious, and sadness is too. Which makes people get emotionally burnt out if they need to support you too much;; it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't like you because they took the energy to support you, and it doesn't mean that you shouldn't ever be unhappy to them at all because friendship has an aspect of trust, but make sure it doesn't become your place to externalize all of your negative emotions.

 

[iori011x3]

Do you tend to vent a lot to them?

not this friend. i actually tried to pretend to be happy around them for the most part. i kept a lot of shit from them cuz i wanted them to rely on me like a proper older sister figure she didn't get to have.

Which makes people get emotionally burnt out if they need to support you too much;; it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't like you because they took the energy to support you, and it doesn't mean that you shouldn't ever be unhappy to them at all because friendship has an aspect of trust, but make sure it doesn't become your place to externalize all of your negative emotions.

thanks for giving me some perspective on this. now that i think about it, this definitely applies to other friendships that i fell out with. i'll try to heed your words if something like this ever comes up again.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

not this friend. i actually tried to pretend to be happy around them for the most part. i kept a lot of shit from them cuz i wanted them to rely on me like a proper older sister figure she didn't get to have.

thanks for giving me some perspective on this. now that i think about it, this definitely applies to other friendships that i fell out with. i'll try to heed your words if something like this ever comes up again.

I'm glad your taking his advice into account because its true. I won't delve into too much detail but I've had to cut off a friend due to the emotional drain he became over time. I know its probably disheartening that you tried to pretend to be happy for them and it still happened. My advice is to definitely respect the boundary she set, because not doing so might make this worse. Just give it time, she may begin to talk to you again in time. I wish you the best :)

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

i'd like to think of myself as someone who is able to respect boundaries. i try to not cross them when i am made aware of it. however, when i started to feel more and more depressed, it's been hard not to take them too personally. i'd love to see boundaries as someone valuing the relationship enough where they'd want to stir me in a direction that won't hurt them, but all i can think about is how they're just sick and tired of me.

this kinda sprang up when i asked one of my friends (who didn't tell me they were taking a break from me but when shit went down, i told them i wanted a bit of time away) if they were comfortable with talking to me again and they said no. they said they wanted a few weeks. i can understand it and ofc i respected it but goddamn did it fucking hurt. i logically know that it's more about them than it is about me, but i just don't wanna start spiralling into dark thoughts again or feel hurt by it. i just can't help but think it's about me and how i've probably indirectly hurt them.

anything i can do? anything i can remind myself of? reaffirmations in the mirror? taking up a new hobby? exersizing? idek lmao. i mean, i guess this is something that takes time but i just dunno where to start :(

I think maybe the thought that they're doing it to prevent something bad from happening between the two of you, as a form of "care" maybe valid? I'm not really sure about this, but I can understand having slightly witnessed something similar.
I think remembering it's not your fault that things end up like this is something nice to note. Also, you don't know all of the things that are going through their head, you can't expect yourself to know what they, truly, think about you.
Remember not to jump into conclusions you don't have an absolute confirmation of, since that can be harmful :( though I am someone who often does that a lot

But I won't say I don't understand where your thoughts are coming from. I often see that "I shouldn't speak too much with my friends, because I'll tire them"... and then end up not talking to anyone.

I'm not sure if it was really useful, if anyone said something similar, but.. I hope a new point of view might help you, even if just a little bit.

 

[iori011x3]

I think remembering it's not your fault that things end up like this is something nice to note. Also, you don't know all of the things that are going through their head, you can't expect yourself to know what they, truly, think about you.
Remember not to jump into conclusions you don't have an absolute confirmation of, since that can be harmful :( though I am someone who often does that a lot

thank you for reassuring me. it's definitely hard to not jump to conclusions, especially when i'm not in a level-headed state like rn, but i've been trying to reason it out and i think it's working...(i hope ???)

I often see that "I shouldn't speak too much with my friends, because I'll tire them"... and then end up not talking to anyone.

I'm glad you understand me! i've been tiptoeing around venting on my ig story and to my friends recently because of this entire thing. it's scary to open up now :( i can't blame them for setting boundaries but i'm getting scared at how this is affecting me.

oh well, one good thing that came out of it was interacting with this community more (?)

anyways, thank you for your words. it's nice to hear that someone understands a bit of how i feel while giving some perspective :)

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

thank you for reassuring me. it's definitely hard to not jump to conclusions, especially when i'm not in a level-headed state like rn, but i've been trying to reason it out and i think it's working...(i hope ???)

Even if doesn't work immediately, I think it'll do something at a long term.. but even if it doesn't in the end, what's important is that you're clearly striving.

I'm glad you understand me! i've been tiptoeing around venting on my ig story and to my friends recently because of this entire thing. it's scary to open up now :( i can't blame them for setting boundaries but i'm getting scared at how this is affecting me.

I do this several times on WhatsApp statuses.. there's around 16 people who see it, but mostly no one replies, so.. it does feel weird.

oh well, one good thing that came out of it was interacting with this community more (?)

anyways, thank you for your words. it's nice to hear that someone understands a bit of how i feel while giving some perspective :)

I'm glad I was able to help!