Discussion Anyone have kids?

[Breelia]

I have 2 biological kids and one step son. They are all very much dependent on me. My husband has another partner, so they will still have a 'mum' I guess.

Is it wrong to leave them? It's literally the only thing holding me back.

There are some legal issues too. My eldest was conceived through rape, so she is not my husband's biological daughter. I'm scared that if I go...my rapist will be given access to her. I don't know how to seek legal advice about this. Maybe I could lie and say I have a terminal illness?

My life has been full of difficulties. I'm on the high functioning end of the autistic spectrum, I look and appear normal but I never feel like I fit in this world. I'm also easily led and misunderstand situations which has led to sexual abuse on multiple occasions starting at just 3 years old. I just feel that 30 years has been long enough, I need out.

Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.

 

[creatureoflight]

Sure it's not right to leave them and they will be affected in many ways. Have you done your utmost to stop this difficulties and is there maybe an option to kill yourself in a couple years?
I would be more concerned about your biological kids than the step son-he has others family members to take care of him.
But it's your own choice, of course!!

 

[Breelia]

The step son's mother has very little contact. I worry about him the most actually. He is already showing signs of depression and has suicidal thoughts himself. I worry that by killing myself he might follow me. He is really smart, he wants to be an engineer and he would be great at it.

In a couple of years the youngest will be 7 years old. I'm not sure that's any better.

I guess I'm a pretty awful person for wanting to do this to them. I mean, I don't want to intentionally....it's just that I can't keep doing this.

I'm in therapy, but I feel like therapists just want to turn me into someone I'm not.

 

[throwaway123]

You have created life and you are responsible for it. If they suffer it is directly your fault because you could've prevented their suffering.

In the end it is your choice but if I was you I would never even create life in the first place. I'm an antinatalist . I also believe that if you chose to have kids that you have a responsibility for them and you can't run away from it. It was selfish of you to give birth to them it is even more selfish of you to abandon them. They'll be left thinking it was their fault.

In the end it is still your choice.If you decide to end your life please make sure they have the best possible future after your death.

 

[creatureoflight]

You have created life and you are responsible for it. If they suffer it is directly your fault because you could've prevented their suffering.

In the end it is your choice but if I was you I would never even create life in the first place. I'm anantinatalist . I also believe that if you chose to have kids that you have a responsibility for them and you can't run away from it. It was selfish of you to give birth to them it is even more selfish of you to abandon them. They'll be left thinking it was their fault.

In the end it is still your choice. Just make sure they have the best possible future after your death.

Wow, that's really harsh of you to say. Not every parent can foresee their own suicidal thoughts and depression. I also think a mother shouldn't leave her kids except in the harshest of circumstances but we don't know what she is feeling and what happened to her.

 

[creatureoflight]

The step son's mother has very little contact. I worry about him the most actually. He is already showing signs of depression and has suicidal thoughts himself. I worry that by killing myself he might follow me. He is really smart, he wants to be an engineer and he would be great at it.

In a couple of years the youngest will be 7 years old. I'm not sure that's any better.

I guess I'm a pretty awful person for wanting to do this to them. I mean, I don't want to intentionally....it's just that I can't keep doing this.

I'm in therapy, but I feel like therapists just want to turn me into someone I'm not.

Your struggles are absolutely relatable-you are human too. Please don't listen to the harsh words of the post before me. I can't really tell you what to do, but I would try my best not to end it all. Maybe it is easier for them when they are so little because they won't really remember you all that well.

 

[Breelia]

Wow...did did you read the part where I said my first was conceived through rape, I was not even legally an adult and due to abortion laws here by the time I found out I was too late. I did not choose to create her, I was raped. Due to family pressure I was not allowed to give her up for adoption and I was too young to choose myself.

I'm sorry i came here for support, I guess I'm not welcome.

 

[creatureoflight]

Wow...did did you read the part where I said my first was conceived through rape, I was not even legally an adult and due to abortion laws here by the time I found out I was too late. I did not choose to create her, I was raped. Due to family pressure I was not allowed to give her up for adoption and I was too young to choose myself.

I'm sorry i came here for support, I guess I'm not welcome.

Honestly, in my eyes you are so strong because you survived rape. I can't even begin to imagine what that must have been like for you. People really have no idea what rape survivors go through.

 

[Tiburcio]

Even if you think they will forget you, a mother loss always is tragic. I would endure for them who probably love you and you will love them too.

 

[Definitelyworried]

A lot of people here who have kids get the guilt trip.
I understand that you had your first through rape.
Suicide is not easy for anyone.
I'm sorry that you are going through all this.
I too know what it feels to be suicidal.
Have you attempted before?

 

[Ashpac]

If it was me I would not feel guilty about doing suicide giving your circumstances.
Rape never leaves your mind, it haunts you every single day and eats at you.
Its you who has to suffer the memories, no one else.
Your kids would understand when they were old enough what you went through.
It will hurt at first but once they're grown up they will say to themselves im glad my mother is not suffering anymore.
I dont think its right people saying its selfish if they have kids. you can say you disagree but you dont have to make them feel worse.

 

[creatureoflight]

If it was me I would not feel guilty about doing suicide giving your circumstances.
Rape never leaves your mind, it haunts you every single day and eats at you.
Your kids would understand when they were old enough what you went through.
It will hurt at first but once they're grown up they will say to themselves im glad my mother is not suffering anymore.
I dont think its right people saying its selfish if they have kids. you can say you disagree but you dont have to make them feel worse.

Suicide is difficult in any situation, for me it is difficult because I am leaving elderly parents behind and that is probably almost as hard as leaving kids behind

 

[Ashpac]

Suicide is difficult in any situation, for me it is difficult because I am leaving elderly parents behind and that is probably almost as hard as leaving kids behind

I know suicide is difficult in any situation but some circumstances are more tragic than others and for me rape is one of them.

 

[creatureoflight]

I know suicide is difficult in any situation but some circumstances are more tragic than others and for me rape is one of them.

I am lucky that I have not been raped but I want to kill myself because of chronic pain and that is equally tragic as being raped. Suffering should not be compared-all suffering is equally bad.

 

[Tiburcio]

Your kids would understand when they were old enough what you went through.
It will hurt at first but once they're grown up they will say to themselves im glad my mother is not suffering anymore.

It would be good... but unfortunately tgings doesn't work like that. Sadness goes beyond rational thought, for more convinced they are of that's the best all the bad feelings are unavoidable, sadly.


Rape is horrible, orphanhood is horrible too. It's a very tricky and hard situation to be in.

 

[Definitelyworried]

The kids are likely never to understand unless they become suicidal themselves, but even then they might blame their suicidal ideations on you, if u end up killing yourself.

https://www.npr.org/2018/08/24/6412...u-a-mother-opens-up-after-her-suicide-attempt

 

[Ashpac]

For me personally I would say sexual abuse at the age of 3 like the original poster said is more tragic than other cases to commit suicide even though every person who committed suicide is still tragic.

Am I the only one who feels rape is worse than some cases of suffering? not all cases but some. Just curious.

 

[lv-gras]

For me personally I would say sexual abuse at the age of 3 like the original poster said is more tragic than other cases to commit suicide even though every person who committed suicide is still tragic.

Am I the only one who feels rape is worse than some cases of suffering? not all cases but some. Just curious.

understand your thoughts, but personally

have been raped and assaulted or violated in other ways, and the otherways were worse. they felt like rape too but can't call them that.

they think if you are "mentally ill" or disabled they can do whatever they want to you

 

[Breelia]

I don't really know what is worse.

I have a chronic health problem too which causes a lot of pain. The health problems cause a lot of suffering for me too. I feel like a failure at everything I do because my health will get in the way of most things I try to achieve.

The emotional damage due to rape is more like a silent yet vicious agony which lives deep inside me. So deep that i can't see it most of the time yet it effects everything I do. It's a very difficult pain to describe.

I think everyone experiences their suffering differently and it's all relative from person to person. You can't compare the suffering of one person to another and try to determine what is worse because of the way our individual minds work.

 

[Ashpac]

understand your thoughts, but personally

have been raped and assaulted or violated in other ways, and the otherways were worse. they felt like rape too but can't call them that.

I didnt know that about you, sorry to learn that but let me say youre a brave and strong person for still being here.

I guess we all have things in life that trigger us or make us show more empathy towards different issues. For me, its rape victims, where other people will probably hate politics, domestic violence, etc. Its what makes all of us different I guess.

EDIT - Thats what makes this forum awesome because people are supportive. We all understand and know what its like to be in pain. Best forum ive ever been on.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I don't I am too socially inept to know how to get close to anyone really, for what it's worth perhaps I inherited some issues as my mother who had been an alcoholic for years had me at 39 and in three years she was getting a stint put in for her liver so I suspect I inherited some issues beyond just environmental, I think partly it's genetic why I'm this messed up as my older siblings are more able to live life I started out well but I just kind of faded lol. I guess I'll keep walking but *giggles* I mean I don't know lost my train of thought. Oh yeah so yeah no kids for me though I'm antinatalist though I don't judge or try not to judge those who have kids.

 

[RitaM]

Breelia, I am so sorry for what happened to you. I have been raped, too, though it did not result in pregnancy. You were still a child and had your choices taken away from you. I understand your pain and the tug of war with suicide. I know what you mean about that pain deep inside.

Of course it would cause irreparable damage to your children if you were to go through with suicide, but your reasons for doing so would be understandable and would not be deserving of harsh judgement given the circumstances. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice to give, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in these feelings. I hope that you can find a way to continue. You deserve to be happy, after all that you've been through.

I don't think I've been a member long enough to use the PM function, but if you'd ever like to talk then please feel free to try to find a way to contact me x

 

[Crazycatlady72]

I have 3 children but they are grown. 25, 21 and 20. They already hate me. My death will come as no surprise to them. They will be sad but not devastated. It's almost expected. It will even be a relief to them in some ways. They have their own troubles due to me and their own decisions.
I'm sad that you and others are suffering. I hope that you may find peace and other options but I completely understand the desire for pain to end.

 

[great-ape99]

Sorry but your going to have to stick around for the kids. I believe in freedom of choice when it comes to suicide but I also believe even stronger in taking care of the life you started.

 

[Psychosa]

I'm a mom too. I don't want my kids to just watch me suffer through my mental illness. Theyre young so I doubt they will remember me and im sure their father can find a new wife/mother for them. I don't care anymore. yeah I gave birth to them but I know theyll be better without me.

 

[Breelia]

Okay, so after reading the comments...I felt like I should do the responsible thing for my kids and seek help.

I told two people...a friend who is an ED doctor, his response was, "why are you having a pity party?"

The second, my husband seemed concerned, threatened to call my parents but then just went on like normal.

I don't know how I can go on without some kind of help. I really don't think I have any options left.

 

[Marystevenson1001]

Okay, so after reading the comments...I felt like I should do the responsible thing for my kids and seek help.

I told two people...a friend who is an ED doctor, his response was, "why are you having a pity party?"

The second, my husband seemed concerned, threatened to call my parents but then just went on like normal.

I don't know how I can go on without some kind of help. I really don't think I have any options left.

Breelia,

I have kids too and I've told people who have not helped either. People just think this is a choice and I am either strong enough to fight it or selfish for even thinking it. I just wanted to say that I'm here if you want to talk. -M

 

[Ashpac]

Good on you breelia. I dont know about the rest of the people but I support your decision either way. If you are going to stay alive you will need help as you have admitted. Thats a good start. If it works then thats even better and your kids get to be with you as they grow up.

I wish your family all the best through this tough time.

 

[Smilla]

Good on you breelia. I dont know about the rest of the people but I support your decision either way. If you are going to stay alive you will need help as you have admitted. Thats a good start. If it works then thats even better and your kids get to be with you as they grow up.

I wish your family all the best through this tough time.

Really lovely post.

 

[Volatile]

That umbilical cord is still attached whether you know it or not. Suicide is off the table