Venting Anyone have experience with being suicidal with a suicidal partner?

[imperfectcircle]

My partner of 2 1/2 years has major mental health issues, and has suicidal thoughts. Ive been in situations where I've had to stop him from choking himself, and hold him back while he is trying to cut his wrists. All that to say, I have become the therapist of the relationship. I also struggle, but I'm more high functioning and quiet about my struggles. I asked him yesterday, how much capacity do you have to talk about my struggles when things are bad? He said he didn't have any. All the while I had been sitting in my dark closet for hours and had practiced partial hanging with a belt.

I guess I just want to ask if anyone has similar experiences. I feel as though I am nothing, my struggles aren't even close to his. Yet here I am, on SaSu, and he doesn't even know. Shit if I told him I relapsed with self harm again, and practiced partial hanging, he'd probably freak out and flip the situation to him. I'm not sure if my struggles are real anymore, or if I just want the attention flipped on me. My sick head convinces me that ctb is the way to get out, to prove that my dramatics are sincere.

 

[U. A.]

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[imperfectcircle]

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Unfortunately it's complicated. I am in fact seeing a therapist, and am on medication (which so far has been pretty useless for me). He has had awful luck with the mental health system, and is trying to get help but failing to no fault of his own. That's why it feels pretty impossible. At least I have therapy, but 45 minutes a week doesn't necessarily help with the constant suicidal thoughts. I don't feel like I can leave him when he is already being failed by society. Messy situation, I know.

 

[U. A.]

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[imperfectcircle]

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Thank you for your words, I really do appreciate being seen. You're right, I need to use familial and friend support, I just struggle reaching out. Thanks for replying, I hope you are doing okay

 

[gunmetalblue]

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[imperfectcircle]

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Oh man, I cannot imagine also having emotional and financial responsibility as well. I am so sorry, it makes sense why you felt like you couldn't do it anymore. I am fortunate enough to be in completely different living situations. I'm grateful you're here, and I hope that you are doing alright.
It truly is heartbreaking, I hate seeing him decline and in turn it makes me decline as well. It's definitely a tough spot to be in, and it almost feels like a lose lose situation. I may try and reach out to people, and see what they say. I don't necessarily want to leave him, I just want to be recognized as struggling as well before I make a stupid decision. Thank you for your heartfelt reply, I really hope you are well

 

[BecomingDiamond]

My partner of 2 1/2 years has major mental health issues, and has suicidal thoughts. Ive been in situations where I've had to stop him from choking himself, and hold him back while he is trying to cut his wrists. All that to say, I have become the therapist of the relationship. I also struggle, but I'm more high functioning and quiet about my struggles. I asked him yesterday, how much capacity do you have to talk about my struggles when things are bad? He said he didn't have any. All the while I had been sitting in my dark closet for hours and had practiced partial hanging with a belt.

I guess I just want to ask if anyone has similar experiences. I feel as though I am nothing, my struggles aren't even close to his. Yet here I am, on SaSu, and he doesn't even know. Shit if I told him I relapsed with self harm again, and practiced partial hanging, he'd probably freak out and flip the situation to him. I'm not sure if my struggles are real anymore, or if I just want the attention flipped on me. My sick head convinces me that ctb is the way to get out, to prove that my dramatics are sincere.

I may not have a suicidal partner, but I have a suicidal brother who is probably the only other person I speak too irl.

It sucks because we both cancel each other out with our problems so one person (and its me) has to take most of it, I can't really go to him to say I wanna kill myself, but he comes to me and says it.

It's also kinda ironic when I think about it, because he talks about it so much, so often, that it's starting to annoy me. Because I offered that we ctb together, but he didn't want too, yet talks about it constantly.

Ig that's how a normal functioning person feels like with a suicidal person. idk.

 

[gunmetalblue]

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[imperfectcircle]

I may not have a suicidal partner, but I have a suicidal brother who is probably the only other person I speak too irl.

It sucks because we both cancel each other out with our problems so one person (and its me) has to take most of it, I can't really go to him to say I wanna kill myself, but he comes to me and says it.

It's also kinda ironic when I think about it, because he talks about it so much, so often, that it's starting to annoy me. Because I offered that we ctb together, but he didn't want too, yet talks about it constantly.

Ig that's how a normal functioning person feels like with a suicidal person. idk.

I'm sure it complicates things considering he is your family. It makes sense why you get annoyed, sometimes I feel resentment building in me because I just want to scream "hey dude, i want to ctb too!". I hear your pain, it's really tough to constantly be the "comforter" instead of the "comforted". Hang in there, even though we don't know each other, I care about your suffering.

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Thank you, your kind words mean a lot to me. That's why I am here, to be seen. Take care of yourself, I really appreciate you taking your time to write to me. You seem like a good person :)

 

[BecomingDiamond]

I'm sure it complicates things considering he is your family. It makes sense why you get annoyed, sometimes I feel resentment building in me because I just want to scream "hey dude, i want to ctb too!". I hear your pain, it's really tough to constantly be the "comforter" instead of the "comforted". Hang in there, even though we don't know each other, I care about your suffering.

Thank you, your kind words mean a lot to me. That's why I am here, to be seen. Take care of yourself, I really appreciate you taking your time to write to me. You seem like a good person :)

Thank you, I care for you as well, You got this. <3