Anyone have everything they need to be "happy," but still aren't?

[Kybutter]

Hello, this is my first time posting on this board. I am a 28 year old male from the US. I have been battling severe depression since the age of 12. Suicidal thoughts and I are no strangers to each other, we are very much on a first name basis. I've never actually attempted to hurt myself, but I've come close to "pulling the trigger" on a few occasions. The only thing that stops me? The guilt.

Not the guilt of leaving behind those who care about me, they will be fine in time. Not the guilt of cheating myself out of my remaining days, that seems quite inconsequential. No. Not the standard reasons. I feel guilt because I have (had) everything at my disposal to be happy. I own a successful business. I drive a nice car. I go on incredible vacations. I have amazing friends and up until the last few months, an incredible wife. I had a relatively normal childhood where my dad had a great job and I never wanted for anything.

So where does the root of my depression come from? I'm not sure. I wish I knew the answer to that question. But the tremendous amount of guilt that washes over me daily says the same thing over and over: "You are a disgrace. There are millions of people who would kill to be in your position. Healthy and financially stable. Attractive and socially adept. If only they had what I had, they would do what you fail to every day: appreciate it."

I have a complete and total inability to extract joy from anything. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I am left with a complete sense of nihilism. Nothing matters. All of my efforts have been for naught. I will be in the same 6ft deep hole in the ground regardless of what happens. And the thought consumes me.

And I arrive again at the point that I have been at so many times. Thinking about ending it. The motivation to get up and do literally anything is painstaking at this point. Especially with the divorce from my wife, I feel completely devoid of purpose. My motivations for the last several years have been to try to give her everything she wants and to try to elevate her to become the best possible version of herself.

First off, I would like to apologize to those of you with circumstances out of your control. You deserve the health that I have so much more than I do. I wish I could gift it to you. I am in awe of the fact that so many of you still remain here on Earth with the deck stacked against you. I am envious of your willpower and fortitude, it is nothing short of spectacular.

Second, those of you here with depression who believe that money or financial security would solve all of your problems, don't believe it. It solves nothing and it means nothing. I hope you find something to bring yourselves peace, but I assure you, monetary wealth is not the answer.

And last, I would like to hear if anyone else here feels the same as I do? It seems to be a rare occurrence, to be inherently defective when you have everything you should need to "be" that ever elusive H word.

Thank you guys, I have found a lot of comfort in reading many of your posts over the last few weeks since I have found this forum. I look forward to learning more and getting to know you all.

 

[Symbiote]

Do you feel that the divorce of your wife led you down this predicament?

 

[yeahwellso]

Second, those of you here with depression who believe that money or financial security would solve all of your problems, don't believe it. It solves nothing and it means nothing. I hope you find something to bring yourselves peace, but I assure you, monetary wealth is not the answer.

What a fucking crock of shit. You wax poetically about how you can't gift the health that is wasted on you. Well, you can gift all of your money, your house and your possessions. So pony up. It's meaningless and doesn't affect your life. So give it all away. Why the hell do you still have it? If you really believe what you're saying, then it makes no sense that you still have your material wealth. Just give it away.

You're going to give away your financial security now, right? If not, why?

 

[Kybutter]

Do you feel that the divorce of your wife led you down this predicament?

No, not at all. The opposite in fact. This predicament led to the divorce. I don't blame her one bit for leaving. Kind of hard to love someone who doesn't love their own self.

What a fucking crock of shit. You wax poetically about how you can't gift the health that is wasted on you. Well, you can gift all of your money, your house and your possessions. So pony up. It's meaningless and doesn't affect your life. So give it all away. Why the hell do you still have it? If you really believe what you're saying, then it makes no sense that you still have your material wealth. Just give it away.

You're going to give away your financial security now, right? If not, why?

I donate quite a bit to various charities, mainly pancreatic cancer research foundations, as that hits quite close to home. The rest of what I've acquired I plan to leave to my now ex-wife. She was with me when I built what I did, she is the one who deserves it.

You're free to call me out, but I have lived on both sides of the coin. I was flat broke my first few years out of high school and the first couple years of building my business. I lived off of the dollar menu, Easy Mac and friends' couches for probably 5 years. And now with a near 7 figure net worth I can tell you, unequivocally, that it means nothing. It might buy you a couple of hours of numbing from the pain, but after that you still have to live with yourself and your thoughts. I remember the first year my store did REALLY well. My wife was so proud. All of our friends went out to celebrate with me for "making it." And all I could think? "This is it? It is exactly the same as before."

The best thing I could say to you is, be careful what you wish for. Not because you might get it, but because you are doomed not to want it anymore once you do.

 

[yeahwellso]

Is it supposed to be surprising in any way, or even mildly remarkable, that life in material poverty when just starting out as a young adult, having a concrete and overarching goal, is tolerable?

So the dream of succeeding with your business sustained you in exactly the phase of life where hustling to get on your feet is the norm, and then achieving the dream wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I'm not sure who that trite story is even supposed to be interesting to.

But yeah, adequate housing, adequate access to transportation, to opportunity to do things with friends, all of which costs money, are meaningless trivialities. After all, some Horatio Alger business kid felt empty after achieving success, so the material conditions that dictate every individual's ability to subsist or thrive are just frivolous afterthoughts. Weird how various addicts, for example, kill themselves after financially upending their lives. I mean, don't they know that having the ability to have a house, the ability to support a family, the ability to lay in bed without wondering how to pay the bills – that's like totally meaningless, man. The only real misery on earth, apparently, is having some ineffable Big Sad despite living in comfort.

 

[Kybutter]

Is it supposed to be surprising in any way, or even mildly remarkable, that life in material poverty when just starting out as a young adult, having a concrete and overarching goal, is tolerable?

So the dream of succeeding with your business sustained you in exactly the phase of life where hustling to get on your feet is the norm, and then achieving the dream wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I'm not sure who that trite story is even supposed to be interesting to.

But yeah, adequate housing, adequate access to transportation, to opportunity to do things with friends, all of which costs money, are meaningless trivialities. After all, some Horatio Alger business kid felt empty after achieving success, so the material conditions that dictate every individual's ability to subsist or thrive are just frivolous afterthoughts. Weird how various addicts, for example, kill themselves after financially upending their lives. I mean, don't they know that having the ability to have a house, the ability to support a family, the ability to lay in bed without wondering how to pay the bills – that's like totally meaningless, man. The only real misery on earth, apparently, is having some ineffable Big Sad despite living in comfort.

It was never a dream. It was a byproduct of knowing what I had to do to maintain a relationship with the woman I loved. I was perfectly fine scrounging up change for a tall boy and a McDouble. I never thought money would make me happy, and surely enough, it hasn't. I'm not sure why you are so combative. I apologize if you have money struggles, but at the end of the day, if you do, guess what? We are still here. Posting to the same forum and contemplating killing ourselves. Obviously money is not THE factor in separating the happy and the unhappy. I was privileged, and I got lucky AND I'm unhappy. Do with that what you will.

As far as surprising or remarkable? Of course not. Many people have done it at a far greater scale at a much quicker pace. But if I can do it, anyone else can as well, barring medical conditions that leave them unable.

You seem to be quite obsessed with money. Do you mind sharing why you haven't made more of it if you think it is honestly the only thing standing between you and happiness?

 

[Zoya]

Didn't you get to this point because of the monotony of your life?

 

[lost_soul83]

Hello, this is my first time posting on this board. I am a 28 year old male from the US. I have been battling severe depression since the age of 12. Suicidal thoughts and I are no strangers to each other, we are very much on a first name basis. I've never actually attempted to hurt myself, but I've come close to "pulling the trigger" on a few occasions. The only thing that stops me? The guilt.

Not the guilt of leaving behind those who care about me, they will be fine in time. Not the guilt of cheating myself out of my remaining days, that seems quite inconsequential. No. Not the standard reasons. I feel guilt because I have (had) everything at my disposal to be happy. I own a successful business. I drive a nice car. I go on incredible vacations. I have amazing friends and up until the last few months, an incredible wife. I had a relatively normal childhood where my dad had a great job and I never wanted for anything.

So where does the root of my depression come from? I'm not sure. I wish I knew the answer to that question. But the tremendous amount of guilt that washes over me daily says the same thing over and over: "You are a disgrace. There are millions of people who would kill to be in your position. Healthy and financially stable. Attractive and socially adept. If only they had what I had, they would do what you fail to every day: appreciate it."

I have a complete and total inability to extract joy from anything. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I am left with a complete sense of nihilism. Nothing matters. All of my efforts have been for naught. I will be in the same 6ft deep hole in the ground regardless of what happens. And the thought consumes me.

And I arrive again at the point that I have been at so many times. Thinking about ending it. The motivation to get up and do literally anything is painstaking at this point. Especially with the divorce from my wife, I feel completely devoid of purpose. My motivations for the last several years have been to try to give her everything she wants and to try to elevate her to become the best possible version of herself.

First off, I would like to apologize to those of you with circumstances out of your control. You deserve the health that I have so much more than I do. I wish I could gift it to you. I am in awe of the fact that so many of you still remain here on Earth with the deck stacked against you. I am envious of your willpower and fortitude, it is nothing short of spectacular.

Second, those of you here with depression who believe that money or financial security would solve all of your problems, don't believe it. It solves nothing and it means nothing. I hope you find something to bring yourselves peace, but I assure you, monetary wealth is not the answer.

And last, I would like to hear if anyone else here feels the same as I do? It seems to be a rare occurrence, to be inherently defective when you have everything you should need to "be" that ever elusive H word.

Thank you guys, I have found a lot of comfort in reading many of your posts over the last few weeks since I have found this forum. I look forward to learning more and getting to know you all.

Don't listen to @yeahwellso, he's just bitter and thinks that shitting on anyone that has more than he does will make him feel better about himself.

What a fucking crock of shit. You wax poetically about how you can't gift the health that is wasted on you. Well, you can gift all of your money, your house and your possessions. So pony up. It's meaningless and doesn't affect your life. So give it all away. Why the hell do you still have it? If you really believe what you're saying, then it makes no sense that you still have your material wealth. Just give it away.

You're going to give away your financial security now, right? If not, why?

And who do you suggest he gives his "wealth" to, you??

Is it supposed to be surprising in any way, or even mildly remarkable, that life in material poverty when just starting out as a young adult, having a concrete and overarching goal, is tolerable?

So the dream of succeeding with your business sustained you in exactly the phase of life where hustling to get on your feet is the norm, and then achieving the dream wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I'm not sure who that trite story is even supposed to be interesting to.

But yeah, adequate housing, adequate access to transportation, to opportunity to do things with friends, all of which costs money, are meaningless trivialities. After all, some Horatio Alger business kid felt empty after achieving success, so the material conditions that dictate every individual's ability to subsist or thrive are just frivolous afterthoughts. Weird how various addicts, for example, kill themselves after financially upending their lives. I mean, don't they know that having the ability to have a house, the ability to support a family, the ability to lay in bed without wondering how to pay the bills – that's like totally meaningless, man. The only real misery on earth, apparently, is having some ineffable Big Sad despite living in comfort.

Oh my fucking god! If you don't like it, then don't fucking read it!!!! Why don't you go crawl back under that rock and leave us all alone?

It was never a dream. It was a byproduct of knowing what I had to do to maintain a relationship with the woman I loved. I was perfectly fine scrounging up change for a tall boy and a McDouble. I never thought money would make me happy, and surely enough, it hasn't. I'm not sure why you are so combative. I apologize if you have money struggles, but at the end of the day, if you do, guess what? We are still here. Posting to the same forum and contemplating killing ourselves. Obviously money is not THE factor in separating the happy and the unhappy. I was privileged, and I got lucky AND I'm unhappy. Do with that what you will.

As far as surprising or remarkable? Of course not. Many people have done it at a far greater scale at a much quicker pace. But if I can do it, anyone else can as well, barring medical conditions that leave them unable.

You seem to be quite obsessed with money. Do you mind sharing why you haven't made more of it if you think it is honestly the only thing standing between you and happiness?

Thank you so much for posting. I am so sorry that things have been this way for you in your life. I too agree that money cannot solve all of someone's problems, despite what some people believe. I guess you could say I'm in the same boat. I've been bipolar and severely depressed since I was 11, but I grew up with everything I needed and had two loving parents. Now, I have a wonderful husband, an 18 year old son, a dog, my own home, I don't have to work, but I'm still depressed as shit and wanna ctb. I really do feel like I was born this way and that the genetic deck was always stacked against me. If you'd like to chat sometime you're welcome to PM me. Take care of yourself, as best as you can.

 

[voltage268]

But the tremendous amount of guilt that washes over me daily says the same thing over and over: "You are a disgrace. There are millions of people who would kill to be in your position. Healthy and financially stable. Attractive and socially adept. If only they had what I had, they would do what you fail to every day: appreciate it."

I know it's the default for your mind to feel guilt at feeling unsatisfied with your life but try not to ever beat yourself up about it. It just goes to show how mental illness can skew your brain - it's not your fault, it's the depression causing the anhedonia and constant dissatisfaction which you're aware of, not the other way around, but I'm sure you know what a vicious cycle it can be. What the wider world hasn't fully realised or acknowledged yet is the importance of being mentally healthy as a need - just like food, water, shelter, safety, if you're not mentally well then you're gonna feel depressed and unhappy no matter what you have - so don't blame yourself dude, it's a biological abnormality, if genetic (you say you've felt it your whole life with no environmental trigger) so going towards a better direction, please be kind and easy on yourself. The helpful attitude and advice you're giving is testament that you're doing a great job despite your circumstances, fighting to get through every day is damn hard for a lot of us here and should be worth something.

 

[Ghost2211]

Yes, money would solve all my problems. I can live with my health and disabilities, but it's quite harder to live with an abuser having all the money and holding all the cards. I would be fine if I had financial security. We all have different circumstances.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

"Living happily" itself is a myth. Nobody on this floating rock is consistently "happy" every single day unless there is something seriously neurologically wrong with them that makes them that way. Life itself is inherently suffering - this isn't some edgy edict, it's the fundamental nature of the human condition; we are animals, and moreso social animals, which, not unlike elephants, zebras, dolphins, cows, or donkeys, are biologically wired and adapted to chasing short-term fulfillment, and avoiding pain and suffering - to the degree we experience and remember negative feelings and experiences far, far deeper and longer than we do positive experiences. This is the telltale sign of our inescapable animal nature - the hardwiring that makes suffering so inherently unavoidable, and pleasure seemingly so elusive.

Boiling the phenomena of NEETdom down to "mental health" is a reductionistic fairy tale that completely ignores the context of modern life in favor of hyperindividualizing the consequences of that context down to the individual and leaving it there. Speaking of context - the factors you mention are not as much of an immunological force as you imagine. Our society is one rife with celebrity suicides, who so many see as the "winners" of our silly game - they have money, prestige, recognition, fulfillment, endless fancy toys and achievements - and yet still cannot escape the call to the void - which, if anything, speaks to the fact we spend our lives chasing things that really do not make our lives all that worthwhile in the end. Sure, it's nice to be clock in to your 9-5 every day and pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you're doing the right thing like everyone else, but this is the life of an obedient somnambulant - one we are conditioned for in this society. You know the script - go to school, work until you're old, save and scrimp the whole way through, retire, and go rot in an old folks home using the money you've hoarded your whole life. This might be a fulfilling life for an inanimate machine part that cannot feel and is not alive, but for a social animal that needs environmental enrichment and belonging and meaning to feel any kind of consistent fulfilment, it is a slow death.

This isn't to say NEETdom is some grand alternative - it is the final consequence of this meaningless life program - narcissized depression and almost total alienation, whereby one practically declares themselves dead to the outside world and escapes deeper and deeper inside themselves as a solace, until the crushing emptiness of isolation and loneliness destroys their ability to experience pleasure and often their will to live. This is typically because of the self-isolating shame that attaches itself to the status. As social animals, we need people in our lives to feel any degree of worthwhile. Interpersonal interaction injects our lives with a kind of meaning and fulfilment that all the technology, distractions and drugs cannot. Unemployment and NEETdom would not nearly be as bad if not for the immense social stigma, and if we could all expect to live in communities we felt a part of, or at the very least had friends who cared about us outside of our job title.

Unfortunately, this is not the nature of our hyperindividualized, materialistic, and vain society whereby one increasingly derives their (narcissized) sense of self-worth and status from their ability to consume and brag about said consumption. Instead, we live in a time where over half of the population reports always feeling lonely and having few if any friends, 1/6 of us are on psychotropic drugs, and the suicide rate hasn't been this high in 30 years. All the same - this doesn't make "successful" people failures. But it also doesn't make NEETs "failures", at least in any individual sense. The failure is society itself - in providing an insane sociocultural script that makes people incredibly sick; if I could call NEETdom anything, anything at all, I'd call it the canary in the coal mine for a society that is providing an age old lifescript that is no longer worthwhile, rewarding, or even meaningful in any sense - nor does it even guarantee the barest physical necessities for participation anymore; recall that wages have been stagnant for 40 years and we have wealth inequality levels that mimic those found prior to the Great Depression, what becomes all the more clear is that modern life is the new Great Depression. This is a dreadfully sick post-meaning society where mass shootings, panoptic surveillance, suicide, opiate abuse, loneliness, and alienation have become as commonplace as psychotropic drugs and psych diagnoses; which, if anything, says nothing more than that the very concept of "mental illness" is a desperate attempt by the system to hold on to it's collapsing validity by pointing at dissidents and shouting "they have some inherent biological illness that makes them this way!" As such, the realm of modern day psychology/psychiatry has become no more than another long arm of the corporatocratic, neoliberal police state, which has a part in allowing modern-day quality of life to continue it's decades long slow bleed to the sociopathic class - the wealthy and powerful.
We must think of NEETdom, depression, and a wide scope of psychological maladies as meaningful signals our bodies are sending us about the ways we conduct our lives nowadays, not as noise that is to be ignored and medicated away." -Stranger from the internet

 

[adam&eve]

I think @yeahwellso is maybe a bit harsh in his approach, but also offers a valuable perspective to @Kybutter .

If you, Kybutter would have a problem that would be solvable through money, you wouldn't be so quick to call it "not important". If you would be homeless that would just ADD a hardship to your overall depression list, as was the case with your wife divorcing you.

I say, instead of calling it "unimportant", spend that money and travel (when it will be possible again), find some spirtual teachers, explore the world, learn something, pamper yourself like you would a crying baby. Do anything you can to make yourself feel loved by yourself.
Find a hobby, something you like. Don't give up because you're fine.
Spend your money wisely, try to find the best teraphy for you- go to various theraphists- explore, again.
Don't give up. You have all. That doesn't mean life will not be hard. Life is a bitch. But you have so much, and use it to your advantage. You will find joy in your life. Money is not a concern, so why don't you start with a task of finding joy in your life. Why don't you make it in an adventure.

One might say "health doesn't make you happy", but the lack of health can be so much more painful and harder. Imagine being in a wheelchair- you wouldn't say that. It's the same without money.
Yes, ultimately, it doesn't make us happy, but we can surely call ourselves LUCKY to have it. Just try to give life another chance, you are still young, ...try to search for a theraphy, for an answer.... instead of killing yourself. Heck, try to reach Nirvana if you have no money to worry about.

 

[lost_soul83]

One might say "health doesn't make you happy", but the lack of health can be so much more painful and harder. Imagine being in a wheelchair- you wouldn't say that. It's the same without money.

My son is in a wheelchair and he's the happiest person I know. Maybe this person can't help that he's depressed. If you read the initial post he said that he's always been depressed and doesn't know why. Maybe he's not capable of being happy, some of us just aren't, no matter how much we have, no matter the circumstances.

 

[massiveblackhole]

Well arent like celebrities who are famous, rich and successful just as likely to ctb? so doesnt really matter how much money you have or how good your life supposedly is it depends on your mental state and what other demons you're dealing with.

 

[adam&eve]

My son is in a wheelchair and he's the happiest person I know.

I doubt he would refuse if someone offered him a deal in which he could walk. Which means, that health IS important. So many things can be achieved with healthy body that pepole in wheelchair just can't experience at all, so many highs, running as fast as you can just for the sheer pleasure of it...

 

[lost_soul83]

I doubt he would refuse if someone offered him a deal in which he could walk. Which means, that health IS important. So many things can be achieved with healthy body that pepole in wheelchair just can't experience at all, so many highs, running as fast as you can just for the sheer pleasure of it...

My son doesn't even realize that he's different from you or I and he is still perfectly happy, blind and in a wheelchair. Puts some of our "problems" into perspective now doesn't it?

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

My son is in a wheelchair and he's the happiest person I know. Maybe this person can't help that he's depressed. If you read the initial post he said that he's always been depressed and doesn't know why. Maybe he's not capable of being happy, some of us just aren't, no matter how much we have, no matter the circumstances.

Everyone's circumstances are different. Someone could be disabled in the exact same way as your son but might have a abusive family, live in poverty, or have a condition where they live in constant physical pain.

I think you have to live in some form of delusion and ignorance though to be happy in a place like this.

 

[lost_soul83]

Everyone's circumstances are different. Someone could be disabled in the exact same way as your son but might have a abusive family, live in poverty, or have a condition where they live in constant physical pain.

I don't disagree with you. He's just lucky enough to have two loving parents who take extremely good care of him. Everyone is different and I feel for those disabled people who aren't well taken care of.

 

[UselessMF]

Reading your post its almost a copy and paste of how I'm feeling guilt for the same reasons and our life seems to be similar.

I find @yeahwellso to be really rude with you. I'm always careful when judging other people feelings cause mind and thoughts are complex and nobody can really understand whats going on in someone else brain.

I know it's the default for your mind to feel guilt at feeling unsatisfied with your life but try not to ever beat yourself up about it. It just goes to show how mental illness can skew your brain - it's not your fault, it's the depression causing the anhedonia and constant dissatisfaction which you're aware of, not the other way around, but I'm sure you know what a vicious cycle it can be.

I think @voltage268 is right on

 

[Panna]

Yes I do have everything to be happy and yet I'm not, it's a sin to be honest. My brothers all love me, one even wants me to live with him and to quit college to grow crops for him. He makes very good money with his normal job, so I would want for nothing this way. At the moment I live with my parents and they don't care how long I stay with them, mainly since they know how bad my anxiety is. I have my own space, free time to do anything I wish and no real responsibilities. Yet I'm not happy. I can't appreciate anything and I don't have a clue how to begin. Aside from something crazy like wishing for their death so I can "appreciate" what I had, which is pretty nuts and something i'd never want, I just live my life in limbo day in and out.

 

[adam&eve]

My son doesn't even realize that he's different from you or I and he is still perfectly happy, blind and in a wheelchair. Puts some of our "problems" into perspective now doesn't it?

I am sorry to hear that.
But if you say that he doesn't know the difference is he then mentally challenged? Then he would easily be in ignorance as @EmbraceOfTheVoid said...

But I'm glad that at least he's happy. God bless his soul.

 

[yeahwellso]

Reading your post its almost a copy and paste of how I'm feeling guilt for the same reasons and our life seems to be similar.

I find @yeahwellso to be really rude with you. I'm always careful when judging other people feelings cause mind and thoughts are complex and nobody can really understand whats going on in someone else brain.



I think @voltage268 is right on

Just a tip, @UselessMF: If you put a period between the "@" and the "yeahwellso", then it doesn't ping me. Your comment pinged me, and I obviously couldn't give a fuck about your worthless opinion. If you write something like @.yeahwellso, then whoever you're talking to will understand who you are referring to, but the person you're talking about, who is not interested in your opinion on anything, won't get a notification.

 

[WornOutLife]

I have everything to be happy, well, I had. You know, money, a nice girlfriend, cool friends, a beautiful family, a good job and profession, etc.
However, there's something which I always lacked: a healthy mind.

 

[UselessMF]

Just a tip, @UselessMF: If you put a period between the "@" and the "yeahwellso", then it doesn't ping me. Your comment pinged me, and I obviously couldn't give a fuck about your worthless opinion. If you write something like @.yeahwellso, then whoever you're talking to will understand who you are referring to, but the person you're talking about, who is not interested in your opinion on anything, won't get a notification.

Thanks for the tip and sorry for giving my worthless opinion...

 

[lost_soul83]

Just a tip, @UselessMF: If you put a period between the "@" and the "yeahwellso", then it doesn't ping me. Your comment pinged me, and I obviously couldn't give a fuck about your worthless opinion. If you write something like @.yeahwellso, then whoever you're talking to will understand who you are referring to, but the person you're talking about, who is not interested in your opinion on anything, won't get a notification.

Good cuz we don't give a shit about your worthless opinion either. Good day!

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Lately I have found a lot of things going in my favor but my mental state continues to decline. I feel weak, it seems like I am being low key encouraged to live but I don't have the capacity to reach out and take any opportunities anymore. Nothing makes me happy, I just want to sink into the floor.