D
darkdarkdark
Member
- Feb 8, 2023
- 42
(My english is not great)
I live in South Korea. I've had clinical depression for about ten years now and things have never gotten better for me.
Well, they actually did get better sometimes but I always ended up ruining things.
I had a job, a career that looked somewhat promising but I messed all up.
I don't even feel like talking about it because it was too painful.
My friends left me because I am selfish and egocentric.
My parents are tired of who I am and just wants to me to live a normal life.
But the only thing that is in my brain is how to ctb.
I've searched hours on end how to ctb.
It seems impossible to get N or SN in Korea.
It was painful to accept that I am trash. I can't even pay the rent fee for my apartment so my parents do it. I am back to getting monthly allowance from them.
I can feel how much they disdain me. I can't imagine raising a kid to be this kind of selfish monster who cannot even clean up her own mess.
I feel sorry for them... and to others around me who had to deal with me.
I really wish I can ctb and get freedom.
I know for sure that people around me will be better off without me.
Yes, there will be grief but it's much better than me deteriorating their life day by day...
I've been thinking of jumping into Han River but that has become too hard to do it and I don't want to risk being alive with any permanent damage after my attempt.
Since it's impossible for me to get N or SN, partial hanging seems like fitting.
But I have not found the sweet spot yet so I have failed.
I wish I was someone else. Like, had I known that I would be like this, I wouldn't have been born.
I live in South Korea. I've had clinical depression for about ten years now and things have never gotten better for me.
Well, they actually did get better sometimes but I always ended up ruining things.
I had a job, a career that looked somewhat promising but I messed all up.
I don't even feel like talking about it because it was too painful.
My friends left me because I am selfish and egocentric.
My parents are tired of who I am and just wants to me to live a normal life.
But the only thing that is in my brain is how to ctb.
I've searched hours on end how to ctb.
It seems impossible to get N or SN in Korea.
It was painful to accept that I am trash. I can't even pay the rent fee for my apartment so my parents do it. I am back to getting monthly allowance from them.
I can feel how much they disdain me. I can't imagine raising a kid to be this kind of selfish monster who cannot even clean up her own mess.
I feel sorry for them... and to others around me who had to deal with me.
I really wish I can ctb and get freedom.
I know for sure that people around me will be better off without me.
Yes, there will be grief but it's much better than me deteriorating their life day by day...
I've been thinking of jumping into Han River but that has become too hard to do it and I don't want to risk being alive with any permanent damage after my attempt.
Since it's impossible for me to get N or SN, partial hanging seems like fitting.
But I have not found the sweet spot yet so I have failed.
I wish I was someone else. Like, had I known that I would be like this, I wouldn't have been born.