Anyone feel pathetic by how little of a right they have to feel suicidal?

[merlinghost]

I have been on this sight long enough to read a lot of people's tales on this forum and see everything that people have gone through and I just end up feeling worse. Here I am, loving parents, above average accomplishments, and simply the feeling of never belonging accompanying me. The emotion that I feel at the moment could more or less be attributed to feeling like some kind of human-like android over being a person period. I can perform all of the functions of a normal adult but it is lacking the coup de graze. I wake up everyday with the impending feeling that not only will I seemingly never help anyone in life, but I seemingly lack the ability to selfishly enjoy life as a lot of others seem to be able to do. Is there some kind of reading or concepts that someone can point to for me?

 

[plast1c_sk1n]

I feel you, it's the same for me. My life has it's ups & downs like everyone else but overall I live a comfortable life, I have a loving family, I have lots of friends, I have many hobbies, dreams, & passions, I am in the top school for my field, I am having fun every day. And yet the feeling of emptiness & dread never leaves. I've often wished to have something horrible happen to me so that I could at least have a reason to be upset. Instead I'm just here pitying myself and making things worse for myself despite how lucky I've been to have the life I have.

 

[Hollowman]

If this place is making you feel worse maybe take a break.

 

[Quantum_Marten0302]

Not at all. Nothing matters but how you feel, the "above average accomplishments" are no accomplishments if they dont feel like that to you. I think this mindset of yours could possibly be a contributor to why youre feeling like this, also its normal to feel worse after reading this stuff. id suggest slowly trying to let go of your religious views and being more selfish. you already have a "right" to do everything that you are able to do, your ability to do it is the proof

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Never helping anyone in life is a choice. Perhaps helping others would make you feel something, or make you feel deserving of everything that you currently have difficulty enjoying. Idk, just a thought.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What kind of "right" is there to claim to one's own feelings?

Being suicidal is horrible and awful and nothing anyone needs to gatekeep.

Other people's lives being worse isn't relevant except inasmuch as that fact can afford you useful and healthy perspective.

 

[dying_kwik2000]

I feel like I cannot end my life because my life is ultimately not my own. Which makes me feel worse because I feel like I am basically trapped and forced to live. It's so insane. I never asked to be here but I can't leave on my own terms? Being alive is like hell in that sense. It's like the ultimate trap.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly no. I don't have the worst life by any means but, I don't think there should be an obligation to love and be grateful for our lives. If we do, or can then- great. We're likely to have a better time of it but, it simply doesn't feel like that for everyone. Why should we be forced to feel something we genuinely don't? Unless of course, you are able to guilt trip yourself into feeling happy.

Where I do relate is the guilt you feel- about not doing enough. Not being helpful enough and, not being able to relax either. I definitely experience those things. For me- I think it's mostly down to the strong work ethics that were instilled in me. Over everything. You work, you support yourself, you take a pride in your appearance and living environment, you do things for others, you are there for your family.

Some of those things, I was able to let go of- without feeling too much guilt. I'm alone enough for my neglected appearance not to offend anyone. My disgusting living environment only has me in it. Family and friends have mutually become estranged.

Work though- has remained. Seeing as I'm freelance, that can be sporadic. I generally have long periods of very intense work followed by sometimes weeks and even months of nothing. But, not only do family panic me and probably try to make me feel guilty, I do anyway. I've pretty much always felt like what I do isn't enough.

Weirdly, it's been developing ideation that has helped put more of an end to that. If I die early, I won't need a pension. I can afford to live more hand to mouth.

If your concern is not doing enough to help others though- could you maybe do voluntary work? To see if that makes a difference?

Be warned, it may not though. I've done all sorts. Worked full time in retail, done Head of Department roles, worked nights. Partly as some kind of proof I was a hard working, responsible adult but, none of it really worked. There was always something I wasn't doing. When I did non creative careers, I was wasting my education. When I was doing arty careers, I was failing financially. Or, working sporadically. I don't think we can always live up to the expectations instilled in us.

I wouldn't even say my upbringing was overly pushy or strict but those principles were and still are- there. An obvious hatred for people who don't pull their weight. So, I constantly feel the pressure not to become one.

But, without developing a hatred for your parents, maybe it's worth considering the expectations even subtly impressed upon you. I don't think we feel guilt out of nowhere.

 

[dogdrool]

Exact same for me. Loving family, I'm in university and I was doing well until I let my mental health get in the way. There's nothing explicitly wrong with my life, it's just me, really.

 

[pyamu]

Exact same for me. Loving family, I'm in university and I was doing well until I let my mental health get in the way. There's nothing explicitly wrong with my life, it's just me, really.

Me too exactly. I go to a great uni, am doing very well in my major, and I have a wonderful family. I never have to worry about money, food, or my future. It's making me go insane that I'm simply doing this to myself. It's embarrassing and pathetic. I wish someone else had the chance to enjoy the life I wasted. I did not deserve to get all the privileges I currently have. I am an emotional, mentally ill mess, and I can barely get myself to do anything and motivate myself. I have wallowed in suicidality for years and I can't emotionally handle the simplest of situations. My only job is to study, do well, and be happy, but I can't even do that. I can't even kill myself either because I'm too scared. Everything is my fault, and yet I refuse to solve my own emotional issues. I truly suck and am a disappointment to my younger self.