Discussion Anyone feel like CTB will be like being your own hero?

[Forever Sleep]

I remember once, someone posted that they thought about suicide as a method of self care. I think I do see it like that. Not that I do have multiple personalities- that I'm aware of anyway- but I feel like the part of me that (hopefully) goes through with killing me will be saving the rest of me from a future that I just don't want to face. Ironic that to 'save' myself, I will need to kill myself. I simply can't see any future being good though.

In that way, I see myself as my own hero in a way. Obviously, it won't be so good if it lands me in hell- but hopefully that's a myth.

How about you? I'm guessing most people want to CTB to either free themselves from the pain they are in- or- the pain they see coming for them. Of course- you could just as well 'save' yourself by finding a way through all this and finding that life was worthwhile again. Suppose it just depends on how likely you feel recovery is. Either way- it's that same desire to be out of suffering I suppose.

 

[starbright2155]

When I was suicidal, I felt it was the only solution, that it would free me from the pain of existence. I also didn't see my future being good enough to justify living. However, I believe this was the case because my mind was racing, and my mindset was smaller than ever. All I could focus on was my current situation and my death. However, the world -- and existence, for that matter -- is far bigger than you think. There is great suffering but also great joy, and it's hard to see the latter when you're hyperfocused on the former.

Eventually, I decided I had two options: to kill myself or live. I embraced my SI and decided to try living again. What helped me was a safer, healthier form of self-care: focusing on my basic needs, addressing things that cause suffering, and finding life and beauty in everything (and everyone) I encountered. It fucking sucked. The process felt so silly, so contrived...wouldn't killing myself just be easier? However, after spending some time establishing these habits, I regret nothing.

I've said this before, but I believe suicide as a form of self-care is akin to treating dandruff by decapitation. It will work, but it will cause great harm. I understand why people CTB, but as someone who has been there, it is not the ideal solution, especially when all alternatives haven't been considered.

 

[BrailleTogepi]

I remember once, someone posted that they thought about suicide as a method of self care. I think I do see it like that. Not that I do have multiple personalities- that I'm aware of anyway- but I feel like the part of me that (hopefully) goes through with killing me will be saving the rest of me from a future that I just don't want to face. Ironic that to 'save' myself, I will need to kill myself. I simply can't see any future being good though.

In that way, I see myself as my own hero in a way. Obviously, it won't be so good if it lands me in hell- but hopefully that's a myth.

How about you? I'm guessing most people want to CTB to either free themselves from the pain they are in- or- the pain they see coming for them. Of course- you could just as well 'save' yourself by finding a way through all this and finding that life was worthwhile again. Suppose it just depends on how likely you feel recovery is. Either way- it's that same desire to be out of suffering I suppose.

That's an interesting perspective. Might even help to tell myself stuff like that when I'm fighting SI in my head.

From my perspective, I've always loved archives. I've always wanted to preserve everything I love and ensure that it never gets lost to time. Perhaps it's somewhat fitting that I want to drink a preservative...

...

Also, will pro-lifers kindly get the fuck out of the Suicide Discussion threads? It's utterly inappropriate and doesn't help any of us. If I wanted to hear that stuff I'd go to the Recovery threads. It just comes off as self-righteousness and bragging when you're talking to people who don't believe in their ability to improve their lives.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide certainly is self care and I would view it as being the best and most ideal thing possible to finally free myself from this horrific world, as it would prevent unnecessary years spent here in an existence not worth enduring. I don't really believe that anyone can "save" themselves by continuing to exist, as existence is something that is harmful with all of the risks involved as chance determines everything after all, with unlimited potential for us to be tortured.

And after all, life is such an useless concept that leads to nothing and nowhere apart from our inevitable deterioration and death, this is something which is completely undesirable and unappealing to me and it makes sense to want to leave for me, in fact the thought of non existence comforts me as I believe that to die solves all problems and there are no disadvantages to being dead. It's certainly always preferable to me, to not exist, so of course suicide would be saving myself from the thing that I despise which is existing. I see suicide as being the solution to the thing that I have a true problem with which is life itself and I simply have no interest in suffering.

 

[Forever Sleep]

When I was suicidal, I felt it was the only solution, that it would free me from the pain of existence. I also didn't see my future being good enough to justify living. However, I believe this was the case because my mind was racing, and my mindset was smaller than ever. All I could focus on was my current situation and my death. However, the world -- and existence, for that matter -- is far bigger than you think. There is great suffering but also great joy, and it's hard to see the latter when you're hyperfocused on the former.

Eventually, I decided I had two options: to kill myself or live. I embraced my SI and decided to try living again. What helped me was a safer, healthier form of self-care: focusing on my basic needs, addressing things that cause suffering, and finding life and beauty in everything (and everyone) I encountered. It fucking sucked. The process felt so silly, so contrived...wouldn't killing myself just be easier? However, after spending some time establishing these habits, I regret nothing.

I've said this before, but I believe suicide as a form of self-care is akin to treating dandruff by decapitation. It will work, but it will cause great harm. I understand why people CTB, but as someone who has been there, it is not the ideal solution, especially when all alternatives haven't been considered.

I appreciate your response- and I'm glad you found your way through your ideation to better times.

I personally feel that we all experience ideation differently. My thoughts aren't racing at all. I've had ideation for 33 years (since the age of 10.) I feel like I know myself pretty well. I'm not saying I can't be 'fixed'. I actually think I could take a reasonable guess at what would help me... I'm just not prepared to put in the effort though!

It's not to say I NEVER enjoy life. Thankfully- I can still see beauty in things and experience joy. I know I'm messed up though. Some childhood crap lead me to become focussed on art as a coping mechanism. It has been my crutch and purpose throughout life so far. That in itself isn't very healthy I realise- but there we go.

My interactions and dependance on people have been far less reliable- they have either died, or gotten their own lives and families and we've lost touch. I don't think you CAN rely on other people.

My creative 'career' has faultered financially now- so I'm at the point of having to start a more stable job. I've already done 10 years in a non creative job. I know what it's going to do to me... All of this is kind of irrelevant anyway because I know I can't kill myself while my Dad is still alive.

I shall actually try to do EXACTLY what you said as much as I can- just to function through this limbo period- I'll try to see the best in things. I'll likely still try to be creative when I have the time. Who knows? Maybe something truly unexpected will happen and everything will turn around. 43 years experience makes me doubt that though.

Horses for courses though- I think if ANYONE has the slightest wish to hang on to life- they should certainly go for it and good luck to them.

 

[TapeMachine]

I see what you mean, @Forever Sleep, and I agree with you. I think I view my ctb as a sort of self deliverance.

I also relate to your concerns for your dad. I worry greatly about how my absence will affect both my mom and my dad (they are not together.)

Actually, I had a tough time falling asleep last night because I couldn't get them out of my mind, my mourning for them because they'll be mourning me...

But if I remain here...just to make them happy?...well, I just don't think that's possible, tbh.

So I sit here with their imagined emotions welling up inside of my stomach and my chest, and my body feels heavy as lead; but my brain is too full, feels like an over-filled balloon on the precipice of bursting. It's hard to explain what I mean here, but..whether I stay or go, somebody is going to end up rather unhappy.

 

[missingpeace]

Yes, absolutely.. I came rationalised it, I came to terms with it, I researched it, I procured everything I needed with backup solutions and noone helped me, I am now ready to go.. Thank you so much for the people on here, SaSu, who were with me in my last days and with whom I could talk to about my very firm and serious decision would not have gained any kind of wanted response in the real world. Thank you, again.

 

[itsallpointless]

It is self care but nobody wants to admit it. When ur hungry u eat. When ur tired u sleep. When u have an instinct telling u to ctb?

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I totally agree, I save myself from old age and a nursing home were I am not allowed to die. And furthermore I save others from me being a burden.
I totally agree, I save myself from old age and a nursing home were I am not allowed to die. And furthermore I save others from me being a burden.

 

[WeighAnchor]

Sort of, although I'd put it in a different way. I view CTB as something I'd do completely for my own sake. Like, when I ask myself what I truly want, and try to be as honest as I can with myself, I find the urge to die. So it'd be a way of treating myself, regardless of how it would affect others. It's something I'd do just for me.